I’m a chicken-ass

No, I haven’t given my notice yet.

Yes, I’m a big chicken despite all my bluster here. Inside me resolutely resides a girl who almost cannot bear to disappoint her really nice boss.

Isn’t that sad?

I know I have to do this. I know I have to go in and give notice – not because we’re moving to Germany (which we’re not) or some other Hail Mary pass excuse – but because I stake a claim for myself.

Thing is: it’s not that big of a deal. People give notice all the damn time. And as soon as I do it, doors will open, I’ll breathe easier and things will be 100% better.

And yet.

Here I sit. Rooted to this couch, running the conversation over and over and over in my head.

Why is this so damn hard?

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Farting around is not an income-producing activity

Did you know that? I’m learning it.

I’ve been doing a lot of farting around lately and my income shows it.

get stuff doneI’ve only part way written my copy for the Certification course (gotta blend levels 1 and 2 into one program), rename the Divinely Guided Biz Makeover and re-tool the description, finish my opt-in, have the bare-bones of my mastermind program done …. Jeez. I suck. I have like 100 excuses for why but that’s all they are. Excuses.

Anyway, we are officially finished the wedding season with two on Duty’s side and one on mine. Now we move into baby season with two on my side (Cousin O’Cool apparently only produces boyz so that’s what’s coming!) and none (yet) on Duty’s side. I do so loves me some babies so long as they ain’t mine.

There was a time when I was sad that I didn’t have a child but that faded fast and I realized how much I love and need my freedom. I chafe under any kind of restriction and we all know raising a child is all about restriction. But love. They’re about love, too. I get lots of that from Luke and Peter and Christine (Niece of Artsy-Fartsy). I am totes awash in the lurve.

Countdown to leaving YOPOE has started. Woot! (And then I must catapult myself back into the life of an entrepreneur!)

Anyway, I’m here. Farting around, counting days, doing bitty stuff here and there, playing lots of Cookie Jam (and that could be construed as some naughty love game me and sekrit BF are playing but it’s not (dammit!)) and did I mention counting days? Yep, lots of that.

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Letters I’ll never send – Part two

shareasimage (4)In part two of a semi-recurring series on Letters I’ll never send, I submit the following entries:

Dear Men who come into the lobby for an appointment,
Be like the women who come in. State your name, who you are here to see and then sit your ass down. Don’t be trying to walk into conference rooms where others are already meeting. Don’t pace around the lobby area, talk loudly on your phone, or demand I make copies of shit for you. Come in, announce yourself and sit the fuck down. Jesus. I just cannot with you morons. Love, she who really, really isn’t cut out to be a receptionist.

Dear person who seems to thinks they can pick my brain for biz advice despite not giving one shit about me, my life or my business,
Just go away, already. How much of a narcissist can you possibly be? I’m not your mom or your cheerleader. I’d say something to you about it but I just don’t care enough to do that. I’d like you to just go away. Signed, she who wants to hit you with a fly swatter.

Dear Neighbor Greg, please please please hack up a lung on the other side of your porch. It is just plain gross listening to that first thing in the morning as I’m drinking my coffee. As a highly clairaudient person, even the slightest retching sound seeps into my pores and makes me feel like barfing and that’s not how I like to start my day. You’re getting too old to drink and smoke like you’re 19, dude, and your body is trying to tell you that. Signed, she who acknowledges her own aches and pains are telling her something to which she is not listening either.

Sweetness and Light, that’s me.

Happy news! Cousin O’Cool found herself unexpectedly (and happily) pregnant so Luke and godson Peter are going to be big brothers! Fingers crossed for a girl this time. :) More behbeys for me to hold and love! Wheee! And Cousin O’Love is going to be a grandmother! (These two events are happening at around the same time – babies everywhere! Woot!) I can’t wait to hold them all. (the babies, not the cousins)

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Still here, yo

Yes, I am still here.

I’ve tried to write 3 posts in the last week and have abandoned each in turn for unknown reasons. Mostly, though, I have much to say and not enough words to say it – or not enough of the RIGHT words to say it.

I loved my trip to Utah, land of magnificent tubs and real turkey sandwiches, my wonderful coach Angella and all the ladies who come to these masterminds, willing to do what it takes to grow their business but more importantly, grow themselves in the process. It’s such a change from the energy at YOPOE and it’s really a nice place for me to be.

I came back desperately wanting to end the day job by October 1st and thinking I had dropped enough hints to Duty that it wouldn’t shock him out of his skin. Let it be known that when you’re married to a WYSIWYG kind of guy, hints don’t work. You’d think I’d know this, being married to him for almost 14 years, right?

Nope.

bombAs the Gap Band sang “Girl, you dropped a bomb on me” and I think it sent him off to another planet. All I said was “I can’t stay there any more. I have to leave.” and that went over about as well as you can imagine. He said I was going back on my promise to YOPOE, to my promise to Duty (which, no, because we agreed to talk about it in October and it’s almost October), etc. etc.

There was enormous tension in the house and the Universe didn’t open the door for me to have to “I’m leaving” convo with the bossman. Tuesday, Duty and I had a heart to heart (which he initiated, to his credit) and even though it was hard for me to say (again) “This is what I have to do”, he listened. We agreed that I’d put notice in so that Oct 31 is my last day.

I’m okay with that.

In the meantime, I have SO SO SO much to do for PI and feel like I am just running around in circles. And most days at YOPOE it’s quiet as hell and of course, I can’t do anything much there. Bleah.

(Pulls out calendar and starts marking off the days.)

So yeah. Here.

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Gone but never ever forgotten

My always and forever JGP

My always and forever JGP

Those of you who are friends with me on FB might have seen the post about my friend Kim. I just learned that she died in 2007 and it hit me like a ton of bricks. Now and again, I’d search for her on Facebook or online wondering where she had gone and what she was up to. Last night I found a people search site and it showed her as deceased.

I sat there and cried for about a half hour, not believing what I read. How could this be true? How did it happen so long ago and I didn’t know?

I met Kim when we worked together at an investment firm back in Richmond, circa 1989. We bonded pretty much immediately and soon I was hanging out at her house on the river in Gloucester and going with her to all kinds of events. She was one of the most social people I had ever known, thriving in crowds of people.

We had adventures, oh yes we did. She was completely uninhibited and mostly didn’t give a flying fuck about anything. Even her weight never held her back much. We used to call each other JGP for “Jumbo Gal Pals” (a headline we saw on some gossip rag about Delta Burke and someone else).

She was the one who had gastric bypass surgery in 1996 and when she told me about it, I thought “You are out of your friggin’ mind!” but when I saw her? Holy shit! She was gorgeous! (She always was but she gained a lot of confidence when she lost the weight and pretty much glowed.) Seeing her changed my mind on it and I looked into the surgery. “Only this surgery and only this doctor” she said.

I followed her advice and made one of the best decisions in my life. She supported me every step of the way.

It really would be hard for me to overstate her positive influence on my life in so so many ways. We had fun, we had secrets, we trusted each other unquestioningly.

She got married at her house on the river in 2000 and my first date with Duty was her wedding. We lost touch a bit after that but I knew that the marriage was a rocky one.

I just found the last email she wrote me in 2007 – the year she died. I wonder if her husband did it

“It’s nasty. Mar. 3rd this yr was the last time Ron held a gun to my head and instead of killing me “because I love you so much” he instead shot a bullet thru a window. Been trying to get to this spot since Aug ’04. I’m strong, fine, great faith and inner strength. I’m also now safe, had alarm system reconnected, phones, electricity, locks changed, ya-da. Began writing my novel, should be a best seller!! :-) New friend is married to a cop who specializes in domestic violence, big help. Gloucester County has a wonderful program where Chesterfield had NONE. I love Ron or who I would like for Ron to be very much but, we can’t safely live together. He took everything!! I had to file for Chapter 13 bankruptcy which I hope I can stop before going into the bankruptcy program so that I don’t lose any potential for future investment career. YIKES!! But, I’ve come this far and lived thru it!!

I’ve been running with the wind since having him removed from my home on July 5th by a protective order trying to save my life, animals and home and learn about LAW and divorce. Gotta listen good to people.”

She did not live an easy life at all and I won’t be surprised if she died by his hand. I’ve been searching and searching for an obituary or something that would give a clue. I did find that he died in 2010.

“Live fast, die young ….” She did that for sure.

I know it seems weird to miss someone you (obviously) haven’t been in contact with since 2007 but it’s true. Kim was such a huge part of my life in Richmond and it’s like she’s frozen in time with that part of my life.

Oh my one and only JGP, I miss you. And I look forward to hearing from you now that I know where you are. :)

Gone from the physical but never ever forgotten.

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I choose me

Choose meThis mantra is one that I kept reflecting back to a friend who is struggling to end a terribly co-dependent relationship.

My co-dependent relationship is with guilt. And it’s time to let that shit go.

Currently, the guilt centers around leaving YEPOE, as you know because I whine about it all the time.

Why am I even staying? I’m not happy, it’s not a good fit for me, and I have a feeling I’ve pissed off the higher-ups by wondering aloud about why things aren’t done in an expeditious way.

Just today, in fact, I was told (in very nice words) to fuck off because I pushed the point of something that seems ridiculous to me. (It has to do with procedures when I’m not there and backup logins and crap.) This is actually the second time I’ve been told that (again, in polite words but the energy is very clearly “Lisa, just shut the fuck up about this”) and it’s such a loud reminder that I do not belong there.

My feeling guilty about having a job when someone else doesn’t, about telling them I’d stay for a year and wanting to leave two months in, about toughing it out to please Duty – serves NO ONE. Least of all me. It’s time I decide what I want to do and pursue it with a vengeance.

Hear me now, Universe, one way or another, I will be done with it by my birthday in October.

Big plans for PI biz that I’m ironing out this week in Utah so that I can launch it in October.

I will not feel guilty for doing this. And YOPOE will go on without me.

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Wrapping myself in a never-ending loop of WTFness

You know, I am such a tool sometimes. I latch onto something and get all pissed about it when really, it’s not a big fuckin’ deal.

After it is resolved, I think “What was the big damn deal, Lisa?” dude-wtf

Such is my life at YOPOE.

Decisions are made that are, IMO, stupid as shit. Inconvenient, not efficient and just downright dumb. Again, IMO. Yet another reminder that I am a very poor corporate cog. I don’t think I’ve ever been a good one but it’s gone from mediocre to very very bad cog.

A reminder that this is a place at which I do not belong. (As if I needed another reminder of said state.)

Two months on September 7th and it feels like a lifetime gone by.

Is it only when you have enough money coming in that you have the luxury of following your deep desires? What if this were the only way I had to create an income? Would I suck it down and shut up? Would I find another way?

For 30 years, I was okay doing this work all the while knowing that at some point, I’d leave for whatever my passion was. Building a business on my own wasn’t on the radar (or at least it wasn’t in my plan) and now that I am doing it, I can’t go backwards.

Which is good, if you think about it, because it’s that much more incentive to make PI work and work big.

I have a lot of guilt about being able to make a living doing work that feeds my soul when all around me I see those who are not (able to) do(ing) this.

Recognizing that it’s an individual choice and that not everyone’s soul work comes through their employment, still I feel bad. (For what?? And how does this feeling bad even serve me? Short answer: it doesn’t.)

It was guilt that motivated me to take this job again at YOPOE. I felt bad that Duty had been carrying the bulk of our finances for a while, that I hadn’t contributed when I said I would, that he’s sucking it up and doing work he hates so I can do the work I love, etc. I hated seeing him feeling so bad about being laid off despite it not being through any fault of his own and so I jumped in to assuage his sadness and to let him know that I would carry things, too.

In doing so, I messed things up big time. Giving YOPOE a year commitment (when they didn’t ask for that) out of guilt, staying there, hating every second (out of guilt), generally making myself miserable for that time and spreading the misery over on Duty who still feels his own guilt about my “having” to go back to a day job. We are just an unhappy twosome these days.

There’s a way through this, I know. I have to trust that it will show up.

So for today, I’ll enjoy a day at home to work on PI, maybe go to Starbucks and get a #PSL and be glad my ass isn’t in a cage.

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The One & Only SnarkyPants

Boring the hell out of youse people since 2002.

My sekrit boyfriend

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