Ruminations on Grief and Bigness

13083124_10208993827059928_5616378354827714045_nI have been feeling really bad about “spamming” everyone’s FB wall with my sorrow and grief over Prince. I know that’s my smallness talking – it’s the part of me that is scared to take up space with my stuff.

(Interestingly, this is work I am doing in a life-changing program and the question he asks us to look at is “Are you willing to be seen? Are you willing to take up space?” Coincidence? Naw.)

My BIGNESS says that maybe my openly processing what’s going on with me helps someone else. I know I’ve been helped when others share their emotions, even if I don’t always understand it.

It’s a process. One step. It’s a process. One step.

Thank you, Mira Jacobs, for this. I needed to hear it.

I’ve been noticing a funny phenomenon of some of my friends being embarrassed by the intensity of their grief over Prince. I didn’t know him, they say. It’s not like we were friends. I’m sorry I’m so emotional. They act like they’ve co-opted their sadness, like they’re squatting in a feeling that isn’t theirs to inhabit. Which, I just want to say, as lovingly as possible, is total bullshit. Of course you knew him. Of course you are shattered. That’s the whole deal with art—it doesn’t give a shit about the boundaries of flesh. You never held Prince? So what. The way he spoke to you, the way he shaped you and transformed you into someone you couldn’t have imagined is just as real and vital as any relationship you will ever have. I mean listen, if we as a people need to apologize for something, I will gladly nominate global warming, or the Kardashians, or fat-free cream cheese. But loving and grieving a man we never touched? That is us at our very, very best. No apology necessary. – Mira Jacobs

From this article: Middle Aged White Lady Mourns Prince

“The power of joy in Prince’s music is almost as integral to it as its sexiness. When you sing along to “Baby, I’m a Star,” you believe it, you become a star, if only for a few minutes in your kitchen while cooking dinner. Prince made me connect with that sexy motherfucking star inside myself. And, better yet, he made that sexy, motherfucking star in me as accessible as the on/off switch to the stereo.”

Personal Reflection Part the thirty-seventh

I can tell I have come out of my grief haze as I’ve been singing and dancing around the house this morning, much to Duty’s chagrin. (He is not a fan of my “stellar” voice, let’s just say.)13096133_10156805111380092_8958272902742617105_n

Later today, I’m headed to the flotation tank for some grounding and a chat with Wee Spirit Animal. He’s been hanging around since Thursday afternoon when I sent him away because I could not deal with it at that point. Last night, I said “Alright, let’s do this” and we have been in communication.

Lest you think I am the only one who he came to, be disabused of that notion.

He told me on Thursday that he was with all of those who are grieving his transition so don’t be surprised if you hear about more of these kinds of things. Those on the other side can be everywhere at once which is pretty damn cool, if you ask me.

Maybe a new feature on my page: Journeys with my Wee Spirit Animal.

I live such a fascinating life, don’t I? Yes, I do.

This fangirl’s heart is in pieces

I know you’ve heard the news and if you know me at all, you know how devastated I am. I’ve loved this quirky dude since I was 19 and first saw him on Midnight Special.

There’s a lot of grief processing that has to happen before I can write more on this. But yeah, I’m in a puddle on the floor (yesterday, almost literally).

It’s a breakout year, I think!

2016 is turning into a year of one revelation on top of another. And I think I have finally found a way to bring all of me into everything I’m doing.

See, this has been an issue a good part of my life. Show this person part of you, that person a different part and a completely other part to everyone else. I think I’ve mentioned that there is ONE person (seriously) who has ever seen all of me and that’s my long-time pal Charlie.  The older I’ve gotten, the more I felt I needed to tuck parts of me away. Parts I didn’t think others would like or feel comfortable with.
And while I’ve been doing that inner work to bring the pieces together for years, much of who I am has stayed in its own compartment out of fear. I didn’t know that I wanted to show it all or even how.

dare to be powerfulThanks to the Coherence Lab (plus all the inner work), I have FINALLY come to a place where I can not only make sense of all this but begin to allow the fear to wash away and allow love to take its place.

I know what my work here is focused on now much more clearly and am figuring out ways to take it out there in the world in a bigger way than before. And it’s all about what I’ve been seeking to do all these years.

Back in the day, when I was with an ex-boyfriend, I used to tell him “Just be who you are!” when he would pad his resume with things he had not accomplished. When you are fully you, people can see that and appreciate it.

That phrase has been running through my head over and over and over. It’s been the cornerstone of what I’ve been working on with my coach for many years. How to be fully who I am in this world? What would it take to remove the relative safety of those compartments and let people see all of me?

And voila! It seems to have come together with lightening speed since the great bronchitis debacle of 2015.

Spiritual practices I did in 2004-2005 have come back to me, sort of like they just floated back in. The piece about criminology and detective work swooped in and fell into place. And the key piece to my business (be who you are) got locked in (finally!) because I was ready to own it in my own life.

There are still so many other joyful things that have yet to be revealed but I feel like I’m showing up and being me (not parts of me). Snarkypants has always been one outlet but I do censor what I write here because sometimes I can think crappy things about people I love and it’s not something for public consumption. I realized, though, that I do have a lot that IS open to public consumption and that I’d like a wider audience.

So, that’s what I’m doing. I set up a public FB page (not a personal profile but one for me as a way to share more openly than my personal profile has) and you are welcome to check it out and see what’s what. I’m just getting started so mostly sharing deep thoughts, songs from my BIGNESS playlist and some other stuff. As time goes on, I’ll talk about the mystery novel I’m plotting, life as a profiler-wannabe and other stuff.

I’m even considering writing a story to post on Medium.com about how Making a Murderer led me back to my real self.

Who knows? But I finally feel that I am settling into the me-ness of ME. LOL and it’s all good.

(It dawned on me that, unlike other blogs I read, mine focuses on ME and my growing pains and sekrit boyfriends and whatnot. Thanks for reading all this time. Witnessing someone’s inner journey can be a tedious process so know that I appreciate those who check in now and again, leave comments and generally love me as I am.)

 

Tons o’catching up to do!

As usual, right? I’ll just use my FB statuses and augment as needed.

On meeting sekritboyfriend 2 (Dean Strang from “Making a Murderer” Saturday)

You know, here’s the thing: the first time I met #sekritboyfriend? 1 back in 2008, I did have a wee meltdown. Now, it’s just happy times but not melty times.

So, at least I know now that when meeting future #sekritboyfriends, first times are melty times. All the rest are cake. (I love that I can laugh at my 12 year old fangirl self. Otherwise, I’d be so so so embarrassed.)

It was an interesting and engaging discussion, they were candid and forthcoming about the case, answered a lot of questions and we had some good laughs. Funny to know that Dean had to sometimes restrain Jerry when the latter got into heavy “discussions” with Kratz. LOL #nerdfun #lawyerswithintegrityaremyjam

Augmentation: oh you guys, I totes embarrassed myself by blurting out “I just love you” to Dean. Like, my adult self was all “What are you saying?????” and my 12 year-old wanted to kiss his head like 47 times. Jeepers. Like I said, good thing I have a walloping sense of humor about myself; otherwise, I just wouldn’t bother going out of the house. (It was nice meeting him and Jerry. Admittedly, Jerry is the funner one, goofing with us on Twitter and all but there’s something about Dean I adore. He’s more my type, looks wise, so perhaps that’s part of it. Who knows?)

Oh! And how I got said backstage passes? Like I said, friends on the Twitters with Jerry and he messaged me and asked if I’d like backstage passes. Uh, yes??? He’s a sweetheart.

Oh! (part 2) one of the members of my entourage was the dude from Reddit who gave me a hard time about my woo abilities back a few months. Turns out, he’s really nice, apologized for said hard time and was actually pretty curious about things. A good time was had by all.

On becoming an author at some point in the nearish future

Book idea just showed up as Duty and I were talking. The Psychic Profiler series! (It’s a cozy mystery, fyi). It involves me (of course), and a wiener mobile, a portal in a neighbor’s garage, said neighbor (you all know who) and solving crimes no one else can. heheheh

Might have to add in special appearances by #sekritboyfriends 1&2!

I am so tickled by this! Even just planning it out makes me happy.

#findsherowselffunny #musingsofadork

Augmentation: This showed up because every time I mentioned my profiling studies to Duty, I’d add “She’s a psychic profiler! Dun Dun Dun!” and then the proverbial light bulb went on over my head and a book appeared! This is the perfect genre for me: fiction, funny, not mired in forensic details but more about character development.

The crime-solver in a cozy mystery is usually a woman who is an amateur sleuth. Almost always, she has a college degree, whether she is using it or not. Her education and life’s experiences have provided her with certain skills that she will utilize in order to solve all the crimes that are “thrown her way.” The cozy mystery heroine is usually a very intuitive, bright woman. The occupations of the amateur sleuths are very diverse: caterer, bed and breakfast owner, quilter, cat fancier/owner, nun, gardener, librarian, book store owner, herbalist, florist, dog trainer, homemaker, teacher, needlepoint store owner, etc. These are just a few examples of what the amateur sleuth does…. When she’s not solving crimes, that is!”

Me, right? LOL (well, a me that lives in my head!) I’ve got chapter one written and have to learn to take constructive criticism because Duty, who has never once read a cozy mystery, said it’s too short. Feh. Anyway, I’ll keep on going and, of course, circle back to edit. Perhaps Gal and Kwiz, who are very knowledgeable in said genre will give me honest feedback at some point?

That’s some of the big haps – still going to the gym and seeing my mother’s upper arms in the pictures with #sekritboyfriend2 gave me so much pause and reinforced my desire (which has shown up big time) to do something about this weight NOW because this is not where I want to be and how I wish to show up.

(Also, Duty’s doc suggested a heart-healthy low-carb, higher protein diet and he’s gonna hard core it and see how it changes his triglycerides so I’m all in not only to support him but for me. My body is happier when I am eating fewer carbs (my inner child is the one throwing tantrums) so I’m right beside him on this.)

More about coherence and other stuff soon. And it’s big big stuff so I’ll be back to share.

(Coherence as defined by the program I’m in is this: All of you pointed in the same direction. Meaning, no compartments, aligned and showing up as who you are in every space you’re in. This has been work I’ve been doing for years and it’s just coming together now. Life-changing. And scary.)

 

Currently …

Memeage from Sunday Stealing

Currently, I am…

Reading: Random junk online when I should be doing my profiler homework

Writing: here on the blog to avoid doing said profiler homework

Playing: Exploding Kittens on my phone (a game created by dude who does The Oatmeal) and it’s sort of like Uno but with cats.

Watching: PJ sleeping on the puffy chair

Trying: Not to whine about feeling grumpy

Cooking: hahahah yeah, no

Drinkinga small cup of coffee and hoping there’s more for tomorrow morning

Callingwhut? I call 2 people: Duty and my Aunt Connie.  And currently, neither one am I calling.

PinningNothing, at present – last week I did an experiment looking for things that ZINGED me and came up with some interesting pics.

Tweeting: about #Makingamurder and being part of the #Jbutes crowd (you don’t know what any of that is and it’s okay)

Crafting: hahahahahahaahhahah (wouldn’t you be more shocked if I was doing something crafty?

Doing: anything other than what I should be doing

Going: to the gym tomorrow (I am now on week 6 of going 3x a week! WOOOO HOO!)

Lovingwhen that nebulous switch flips and I can go from not going to the gym once between May 2015 and January 2016 and then out of the blue, start going 3x a week and managing to keep it up. Go me!

Hating: when my brain shuts off and I’ve got stuff to do

Re-discovering: feeling accomplished

Enjoying: having Duty back in the house after his week in Florida

Thinking: How come Exploding Kittens is more enticing than doing profiler work?

Missing: Lauren, who keeps showing up in my dreams

Hoping: I get over my Cheetos fetish soon

Listening: to Fabeku Fatunmise talk about Money Mojo – I’ve known about him for a while but am just now in a place to ‘hear’ him.

Celebrating: my back-to-back wins in Exploding Kittens

Smelling: nothing at present although PJ has been known to spritz her ‘doggie perfume’ now and again

Thanking: my body for helping me relax in the flotation tank

Considering: more time in said flotation tank

Starting: to need more time off-line

Deep Thoughts

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