Gratitude for all that is


Every single post I tried to write this week was full of whining and pissing and moaning. So, I wrote published nothing. As you can imagine, I am not at all happy about where I find myself. Not at all.

There is nothing for me to do but give thanks for this lesson. And some other stuff.

I give thanks to the Universe for everything below


❤ Duty’s job that keeps his mind engaged and gives him focus.

❤ Spending the day surrounded by people I truly like

❤ My students and clients who roll with me through this new space

❤ My coach Jaelin who knows I have it in me to get through this piece even if I don’t

❤ Zinfandel + Diet Sierra Mist (It sounds gross and Jersey-shore and I don’t care. I like it.)

❤ The love of my doggies

❤ All those who hold me in their loving space as I work through this.

I wish I could share all the 100000 things that are going through my head – for one thing, there’s a heaping helping of GUILT that I have a job with a steady income and all I want to do is toss it away. (Trust me, if I could give it back to the nice cage lady along with my salary, I’d do it so fast your head would spin watching me.)

There’s anger at myself for creating this scenario for reasons I don’t yet know.

And I’m tired of being tired and unhappy.

Whenever you see me write a gratitude post from here on, it’s a way of shifting my vibration.

If you’re still reading this blog through all the whining and complaining and bitching, I thank you. ❤

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Determined to make a better week

Despite how much I whine and complain on here, I am not a fan of drama. And being pulled back into it (and it looming large) has really thrown me off my center.

So, I’m pulling myself back to that space because that’s how I must move forward.

I’ve cut the energetic cord of attachment between me and YOPOE so that there’s no more tugging of emotions back and forth. I will go in, do the work I’m paid to do and hold a higher vibration. When the Universe deems the time to be right to open the door to leave, I will go. My intention is to be shorter than a year and I’m holding to that.

PI will survive and thrive because it IS my work – not this. I won’t allow anyone or anything to pull me off that space. Duty and I had a talk the other night and I don’t think he sees this as a real business, despite my protestations to the contrary. I understand why he feels that way and I also understand that it reflects back to me ways *I* don’t take it seriously.

Time to (wo)man up and keep the ship moving in the direction I want to go. Not sure yet how that looks but that’s okay.

Onward (again).

(Thanks to Gorky for the pep talk and the reminder that I control how PI shows up and it’s entirely MY decision to remain in my center.)

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“Corporations are people, my friend”

And if that’s so, Mittster, they are mean, shitty, short-sighted people.

Here’s a quiz:

When’s the best time to lay someone off?

A) never
B) never
C) a week after they’ve had damn near close to a heart attack

If you guessed C, you’d be a candidate for management in YOPOE. Because that is what they did. They laid off the nice cage lady yesterday. A week after her heart scare. Nice, eh?

And now, yours truly finds herself full-time in the cage with no backup. So, that’s smart thinking, right?

All so they can bring in two people who do not know the system – AT ALL – to fulfill whatever “vision” they have for how to do things. Conveniently forgetting that I’ll be leaving in 50 weeks. (And if you don’t know I’m counting those days on a big calendar marked with X’s like in prison, you don’t know me at all.)

I hate corporate America and am so glad that this is temporary because I will never, ever go back to it. This is it for me. I will make PI work as a full-time income decently producing work if it kills me because this? This abomination? I. just. cannot. Everyone in the branch was stunned and angry on her behalf. This is a woman who is living in an extended stay motel with no car and desperately needed the job. And they knew that.

I do not understand why they’d let someone highly competent at her job – a very detail oriented, has-to-run-smoothly-or-shit-gets-fucked-up-everywhere job – go to bring in morons (no offense to said morons) who have to be trained, thus doubling the work of EVERYONE on the already-stressed-out support staff. For what? They were paying nice cage lady shit. I saw what they paid her. It’s shit.

If you can’t tell, I am highly agitated over this.

Yes, I knew it was a possibility and had even talked to my boss about how to keep her and show them things would be fine but since he’s been rendered completely impotent, I may as well have been talking to the wall. He chooses to suck it down and get run over and everyone else pays the price. Isn’t that lovely? And the branch rakes in money hand over fist that doesn’t go to anyone but …. the big-wigs.

I so want to just say ‘fuck it’ and quit but I made a promise and I am choosing to live up to it. I regret, with all my heart, saying yes and only did so because I felt we had no choice.

Now, things are in upheaval there, I’m stuck where I do not want to be, it’s costing us $600/month for the dogs to go to daycare (would have been $800 but she cut us a break) all for what?

And, on top of that, PI may soon be flailing because I can’t keep up with it all.

A bright spot is that several of the brokers in the office have sent out word to see if anyone they know has job openings and there were a couple indications of interest for her so fingers crossed, she gets something. YOPOE gave her a month’s severance so she has a wee bit of breathing room but not much. I am so angry at them for doing this now. Stupid asses. Can’t see past the next damn day, making decisions that affect everyone in a negative way in a place where there’s already a shitstorm of unhappiness and unrest.

Sigh. This is corporate America. A place I refuse to ever return to if I have any choice.

Oh Universe. This is NOT what I wanted. (And yes, tiny first world problems, etc. I know. I get it. I still can feel pissy about what is going on in my life.)

This is fucked-up and bullshit and this is my life right now. (Duty is taking it hard and there’s nothing I can do about that. I can’t hide my sadness over all this. (I tried.))

So, there you have it. No cheery coating, friends. None. Shit is fucked up and bullshit.

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Lessons from a week of chaos

First, the happy news: DUTY GOT A JOB! Woo hooo!  

And this one was only $10,000 less than he was making instead of $40,000 like a couple of earlier offers.  Interestingly, it’s with the same company but under a different government contractor.  (Don’t ask. This is all weirdly convoluted shit.)

Good thing, too, because this week has been his hardest yet.  I was starting to get worried about him falling into a  depression ditch. I know he feels relieved on a lot of different fronts.  I get how hard it is for someone who lives the energy of  “dutiful” to be in a place where you can’t express that.  (Or at least express it in a way that feels right and aligned.)  

He took really good care of me this week by packing my lunch and fixing dinner and generally corralling the dogs so I could do my work at night.

Which brings me to the chaos portion of our show:

Where to start?  Let me count the ways.

1.  I learned that I actually DID do a lot during the day that I didn’t realize because when I tried to cram it into two hours at night, it wouldn’t fit.

2.  I didn’t adjust my schedule to fit the notion that 8+ hours of my day would be dedicated to something that was going to fry my brain so that coming home and trying to write a free offer and record classes was doubly hard. (I did it, though.)

3.  As you remember, part of my duties included backing up the cage area.  I left all that behind 2+ years ago and the times I’ve gone back to YOPOE have been in different roles.  The good news is that my brain remembered most of the processes that had to be done in there as if I left yesterday.  The bad news is that some of it has changed and I had to wash out the old and add the new.  But that’s okay because I would ease into it gradually, amirite?

4. NO! I am not right.  Why? See #5.

hair on fire5.  Nice cage lady commences to have chest pain and shortness of breath.  I call 911 because I learned you don’t mess around with that.   I hold down the cage.  For 2 1/2 days.  When I don’t know what I’m doing.

6.  Brain fry to infinity.

Fortunately, she is fine (angina attack) and will be back Monday and I managed to get a hold of what I needed to do in the cage so the deep dive into the waters was successful.

New info for me: I don’t want to run that cage.  I really, really don’t want to do that.  I know I said I’d go where the Universe puts me but I have to rescind that now. In fact,  had a chat with my angels and said this was not how I wanted things to go and could they help in some way.   And they did because I learned on the DL that nice cage lady’s job will be safe (pretty sure) and that I only have to fill in as backup. (WHEW!)

Until things calm down and I figure out how to manage both jobs, I can’t take on any more new clients. Which sucks because I have two in the wings and have to figure out how to apportion my time much better in order to do all I’ve got on my plate.

It will all work out and things will be fine. (Right?) Deep breath. On to a better, less spastic week.

Today is my nephew’s wedding to the only girl he’s really loved (and dated, I think). I’ve known Justin since he was 10 and he’s a wonderful young man. (He was very close to Lauren and had a HUGE crush on her for several years and was with us all through her illness and death, standing next to me at her graveside, holding one hand while Duty held the other.) I’m looking forward to watching this next chapter of his life unfold.

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It’s all good

Re-entry into the world of office work has been easier than I thought.

I brought my sekrit boyfriend picture in to put on my desk (it’s an in-joke there) along with a pic of me and Duty and doggies.

My predecessor was known for decorating her area like it was her coffee table at home with books (of the coffee-table variety), stuffed animals, trinkets she had collected in her travels and so much stuff that it was easy to feel suffocated.

Me? One pic of family, one of sekrit BF and I’m just peachy.

drama catTeh dramz unfolds however – predecessor was not a fun person.  She had been demoted from a position where she supervised all the client associates in six offices to being one of the ones she previously supervised.

They brought in someone in her place that’s quite different (and not in a way where you’d say hurrah! but in a way you’d say “uh, okay” – different is not always better).

Preds was bitter about how it was handled (not well, of course) and walked around with a HUGE black cloud over her head all. the time.

Anyway, Miss (Un) Happy sprinkled her (un) happiness flakes everywhere and they all-too-often landed on the head of the nice woman working in the cage.  Who was thrown under the bus any time one drove by.  Consequently, she got more black marks on her record than she deserved.

One of the reasons I have been brought in to try to right the ship that fell apart with predecessor and in doing so, help this nice woman rehab her rep.  She does a fine job considering she had NO training because she got caught in transitions between predecessor and HER predecessor.  I like her and we work together very well.

And that may not be enough to save her job.  (Which she desperately needs.)

I’m a FIERCE advocate when I am moved to be and for some reason, this one has me moving.  It’s not that I care about being back in the cage because kids, I’ve surrendered and am going where the Uni takes me.  It’s that she’s done pretty much nothing (that I can tell) to warrant the treatment and was in the wrong place and mixed with the wrong person.  I’ve had that happen and it sucks.

So, I’ve asked my Angels to help me with this: if there is anything that is mine to do, I asked to be shown that and have the courage to speak.  If it’s mine to get out of the way, I asked for that as well and for the courage to stand by and hold the space.  (I don’t think I’d like to be the kind of psychic that can see what’s coming.  What very little I do know has made me sad.)

More as it unfolds.

PS:  our car is in the shop so Duty has been driving me to work every day and today he even made me lunchies! This spoilage won’t last long but so far, I like it! hehe Feels so much like Mr. Mom.  (Schooner Tuna FTW!!)

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A new chapter begins




Back to YOPOE tomorrow and I’m just fine with it.  Truly. It will give me lots of blog fodder and that’s good for youse people, amirite?

Wish me luck!

PS: Duty said he’ll be taking on the cooking duties but that I have to eat whatever he fixes.  HELL YEAH, dude! I’m down with that! :)  What a guy, huh?


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Nothing much to say, actually

So, say that I shall, right?
After Mercury went direct (yesterday), we’ve had some movement on the job front for Duty.  Alas, at salaries 40% lower than he was receiving.  If he takes one of these positions, a good portion of my salary at YOPOE will have to cover the differential.  Yey?

Répétez après moi, Lisa: this is the new normal.  This is the new normal.

And now, random musings (ha! as if this whole blog isn’t, right?)

I`dont-like-youLetters I’d like to send:

1. Dear Motorcyclist: I really do try to watch out for you and take extra care not to get in your way but when you ride that machine like a big dickhead, you make it hard on nice people like me.  For fuck’s sake, stop snaking in and out of lanes, riding on the shoulder and zooming along the highway like it’s your own personal Autobahn.  I cannot watch out for you when you’re doing that.  The best I can do is get out of your way and pray you don’t get hurt and that if you do, I’m not anywhere near it. Sheesh. Men, must you do this kind of thing? Must you?

2. Dear insecure person: I’d rather see your heart than your ass.  Translation: stop bragging.  All it does is show how insecure you are underneath all of the noise and energetic clutter.  Maybe someone who isn’t a skilled intuitive won’t pick up on it but that’s not me.  Reminds me of that broker I worked for several years ago who would puff out his chest and make a lot of noise to get what he wanted.  All I saw was a ten-year-old boy saying “please notice me, please don’t forget me, please don’t leave me out”. Unfortunately, that little boy was walking around in the body of a huge shithead whom everyone actively disliked.  Don’t be that person, okay?

3.  Dear Evengelical Christian nation: forcing your beliefs on everyone else isn’t endearing you to others, not that you care, I would imagine.  I doubt if you’d be so quick to get behind a rule that elevated a religion other than yours to as lofty as place as you have. What is so damn hard about keeping your beliefs YOURS and respecting that others may believe differently? And that, according to our constitution, we are all (supposed to be, hahah) equal under the law.

 (This is one I could rant about for hours so I will stop right here.)

Peace out for now, kids.


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Boring the hell out of youse people since 2002.

My sekrit boyfriend


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