You know, I am such a tool sometimes. I latch onto something and get all pissed about it when really, it’s not a big fuckin’ deal.
After it is resolved, I think “What was the big damn deal, Lisa?”
Such is my life at YOPOE.
Decisions are made that are, IMO, stupid as shit. Inconvenient, not efficient and just downright dumb. Again, IMO. Yet another reminder that I am a very poor corporate cog. I don’t think I’ve ever been a good one but it’s gone from mediocre to very very bad cog.
A reminder that this is a place at which I do not belong. (As if I needed another reminder of said state.)
Two months on September 7th and it feels like a lifetime gone by.
Is it only when you have enough money coming in that you have the luxury of following your deep desires? What if this were the only way I had to create an income? Would I suck it down and shut up? Would I find another way?
For 30 years, I was okay doing this work all the while knowing that at some point, I’d leave for whatever my passion was. Building a business on my own wasn’t on the radar (or at least it wasn’t in my plan) and now that I am doing it, I can’t go backwards.
Which is good, if you think about it, because it’s that much more incentive to make PI work and work big.
I have a lot of guilt about being able to make a living doing work that feeds my soul when all around me I see those who are not (able to) do(ing) this.
Recognizing that it’s an individual choice and that not everyone’s soul work comes through their employment, still I feel bad. (For what?? And how does this feeling bad even serve me? Short answer: it doesn’t.)
It was guilt that motivated me to take this job again at YOPOE. I felt bad that Duty had been carrying the bulk of our finances for a while, that I hadn’t contributed when I said I would, that he’s sucking it up and doing work he hates so I can do the work I love, etc. I hated seeing him feeling so bad about being laid off despite it not being through any fault of his own and so I jumped in to assuage his sadness and to let him know that I would carry things, too.
In doing so, I messed things up big time. Giving YOPOE a year commitment (when they didn’t ask for that) out of guilt, staying there, hating every second (out of guilt), generally making myself miserable for that time and spreading the misery over on Duty who still feels his own guilt about my “having” to go back to a day job. We are just an unhappy twosome these days.
There’s a way through this, I know. I have to trust that it will show up.
So for today, I’ll enjoy a day at home to work on PI, maybe go to Starbucks and get a #PSL and be glad my ass isn’t in a cage.