Gone but never ever forgotten

My always and forever JGP

My always and forever JGP

Those of you who are friends with me on FB might have seen the post about my friend Kim. I just learned that she died in 2007 and it hit me like a ton of bricks. Now and again, I’d search for her on Facebook or online wondering where she had gone and what she was up to. Last night I found a people search site and it showed her as deceased.

I sat there and cried for about a half hour, not believing what I read. How could this be true? How did it happen so long ago and I didn’t know?

I met Kim when we worked together at an investment firm back in Richmond, circa 1989. We bonded pretty much immediately and soon I was hanging out at her house on the river in Gloucester and going with her to all kinds of events. She was one of the most social people I had ever known, thriving in crowds of people.

We had adventures, oh yes we did. She was completely uninhibited and mostly didn’t give a flying fuck about anything. Even her weight never held her back much. We used to call each other JGP for “Jumbo Gal Pals” (a headline we saw on some gossip rag about Delta Burke and someone else).

She was the one who had gastric bypass surgery in 1996 and when she told me about it, I thought “You are out of your friggin’ mind!” but when I saw her? Holy shit! She was gorgeous! (She always was but she gained a lot of confidence when she lost the weight and pretty much glowed.) Seeing her changed my mind on it and I looked into the surgery. “Only this surgery and only this doctor” she said.

I followed her advice and made one of the best decisions in my life. She supported me every step of the way.

It really would be hard for me to overstate her positive influence on my life in so so many ways. We had fun, we had secrets, we trusted each other unquestioningly.

She got married at her house on the river in 2000 and my first date with Duty was her wedding. We lost touch a bit after that but I knew that the marriage was a rocky one.

I just found the last email she wrote me in 2007 – the year she died. I wonder if her husband did it

“It’s nasty. Mar. 3rd this yr was the last time Ron held a gun to my head and instead of killing me “because I love you so much” he instead shot a bullet thru a window. Been trying to get to this spot since Aug ’04. I’m strong, fine, great faith and inner strength. I’m also now safe, had alarm system reconnected, phones, electricity, locks changed, ya-da. Began writing my novel, should be a best seller!! :-) New friend is married to a cop who specializes in domestic violence, big help. Gloucester County has a wonderful program where Chesterfield had NONE. I love Ron or who I would like for Ron to be very much but, we can’t safely live together. He took everything!! I had to file for Chapter 13 bankruptcy which I hope I can stop before going into the bankruptcy program so that I don’t lose any potential for future investment career. YIKES!! But, I’ve come this far and lived thru it!!

I’ve been running with the wind since having him removed from my home on July 5th by a protective order trying to save my life, animals and home and learn about LAW and divorce. Gotta listen good to people.”

She did not live an easy life at all and I won’t be surprised if she died by his hand. I’ve been searching and searching for an obituary or something that would give a clue. I did find that he died in 2010.

“Live fast, die young ….” She did that for sure.

I know it seems weird to miss someone you (obviously) haven’t been in contact with since 2007 but it’s true. Kim was such a huge part of my life in Richmond and it’s like she’s frozen in time with that part of my life.

Oh my one and only JGP, I miss you. And I look forward to hearing from you now that I know where you are. :)

Gone from the physical but never ever forgotten.

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I choose me

Choose meThis mantra is one that I kept reflecting back to a friend who is struggling to end a terribly co-dependent relationship.

My co-dependent relationship is with guilt. And it’s time to let that shit go.

Currently, the guilt centers around leaving YEPOE, as you know because I whine about it all the time.

Why am I even staying? I’m not happy, it’s not a good fit for me, and I have a feeling I’ve pissed off the higher-ups by wondering aloud about why things aren’t done in an expeditious way.

Just today, in fact, I was told (in very nice words) to fuck off because I pushed the point of something that seems ridiculous to me. (It has to do with procedures when I’m not there and backup logins and crap.) This is actually the second time I’ve been told that (again, in polite words but the energy is very clearly “Lisa, just shut the fuck up about this”) and it’s such a loud reminder that I do not belong there.

My feeling guilty about having a job when someone else doesn’t, about telling them I’d stay for a year and wanting to leave two months in, about toughing it out to please Duty – serves NO ONE. Least of all me. It’s time I decide what I want to do and pursue it with a vengeance.

Hear me now, Universe, one way or another, I will be done with it by my birthday in October.

Big plans for PI biz that I’m ironing out this week in Utah so that I can launch it in October.

I will not feel guilty for doing this. And YOPOE will go on without me.

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Wrapping myself in a never-ending loop of WTFness

You know, I am such a tool sometimes. I latch onto something and get all pissed about it when really, it’s not a big fuckin’ deal.

After it is resolved, I think “What was the big damn deal, Lisa?” dude-wtf

Such is my life at YOPOE.

Decisions are made that are, IMO, stupid as shit. Inconvenient, not efficient and just downright dumb. Again, IMO. Yet another reminder that I am a very poor corporate cog. I don’t think I’ve ever been a good one but it’s gone from mediocre to very very bad cog.

A reminder that this is a place at which I do not belong. (As if I needed another reminder of said state.)

Two months on September 7th and it feels like a lifetime gone by.

Is it only when you have enough money coming in that you have the luxury of following your deep desires? What if this were the only way I had to create an income? Would I suck it down and shut up? Would I find another way?

For 30 years, I was okay doing this work all the while knowing that at some point, I’d leave for whatever my passion was. Building a business on my own wasn’t on the radar (or at least it wasn’t in my plan) and now that I am doing it, I can’t go backwards.

Which is good, if you think about it, because it’s that much more incentive to make PI work and work big.

I have a lot of guilt about being able to make a living doing work that feeds my soul when all around me I see those who are not (able to) do(ing) this.

Recognizing that it’s an individual choice and that not everyone’s soul work comes through their employment, still I feel bad. (For what?? And how does this feeling bad even serve me? Short answer: it doesn’t.)

It was guilt that motivated me to take this job again at YOPOE. I felt bad that Duty had been carrying the bulk of our finances for a while, that I hadn’t contributed when I said I would, that he’s sucking it up and doing work he hates so I can do the work I love, etc. I hated seeing him feeling so bad about being laid off despite it not being through any fault of his own and so I jumped in to assuage his sadness and to let him know that I would carry things, too.

In doing so, I messed things up big time. Giving YOPOE a year commitment (when they didn’t ask for that) out of guilt, staying there, hating every second (out of guilt), generally making myself miserable for that time and spreading the misery over on Duty who still feels his own guilt about my “having” to go back to a day job. We are just an unhappy twosome these days.

There’s a way through this, I know. I have to trust that it will show up.

So for today, I’ll enjoy a day at home to work on PI, maybe go to Starbucks and get a #PSL and be glad my ass isn’t in a cage.

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You know what I love?

Online marketing – I love to learn about it, listen to people talking about it and ways to implement it.

Right now, I’m listening to Ray Edwards, a really awesome copywriter I found by listening to a podcast by Amy Porterfield.

I’m not good at it (yet) but, like with anything I dig, I absorb it quickly.

It makes me happy.

As does Pumpkin Spiced Lattes (now at a Starbucks near you), the song YEAH by Usher (it’s my go-to “get your ass in gear” song) and snuggling with my doggies.

There ya go. A happy post by yours truly.

Mark yer calendars!

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Shaking and baking

I love germanyWell, we almost moved to Germany. Something was floated in front of Duty and it’s been one of his dearest wishes to go to Germany so I told him if it came to pass, I would move.

This is huge for me.

I cannot tell you how huge because of my top 100 places to visit (much less move to), Germany does not make the cut. At all. But why not, you know? We both admit we are a rut and don’t do anything about it and this felt like an interesting choice. I don’t know that it will come to pass but the important thing is that we decided to move if the right thing shows up. And that’s all the Universe needs to know to shuffle things around.

In other news:

∞ It’s back to Utah for me in September to sleep in a tall bed, eat the best turkey sammiches and soak wayyyy down in a big ass tub. Oh! and to hang with other entrepreneurs and my wonderful coach, Angella. I had such a super time there last May and then shook my whole world up that it will be interesting to see what happens now.

∞ I think I’ll write a post on Practically Intuitive about why I think Dick Cheney is a Divine Being. Really. I do think that. I believe there are some souls who come for the express purpose of teaching us something in a way that really effects change on a whole different level. Cheney, by seeming to be (to me and most of the sentient world) evil personified has allowed us to see just how craven our nation has become.

He is responsible (along with a host of others) for where we are today and I cannot shake the feeling that this is part of his soul’s path. I’ll never know for sure because I don’t go traipsing through people’s Akashic Records without their express permission but it’s a hunch I have. (So much of my intuitive ‘knowing’ is things I cannot prove or quantify. I just know in my heart of hearts they are true and I don’t see to justify them to others. I used to try but there’s no point.)

∞ Speaking of hellishness, boy, things are just a mess out there in the world. I don’t watch television news and am very picky about where I get my facts but I do try to read different sides of an issue. The shooting in Ferguson, the beheading of that man by ISIS, whatever the hell is going on in the Middle East …. a time of enormous unrest. It feels to me like something is brewing under the surface. It’s going to break wide open soon enough, if we’re not there already.

(I wanted you all to know that I am aware of what goes on in the world at large and that I’m not just consumed with my own stuff. You’d never know that reading this here blog, though, would ya?)

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Alive and with bonus attitude adjustment!

Y’all should know by now that when you don’t hear from me, I’m too grumpy to be around. I wrote a long, pissed-off, sad post last week and it was hideous. I couldn’t press PUBLISH on you, I just couldn’t.

So, I waited.

Thankfully, a session with bestest coach ever really helped re-orient me and I took some big action right after so things shifted a lot. I feel better about being at YOPOE knowing that the time will come in the not too distant future when I’ll depart.

Gratitude time:

1) Thank you, Universe for a nifty gizmo called Karma - it’s a WiFi hotspot where you pay for the data you use rather than be on a ‘use it or lose it’ plan. Why do I have this? So that I can do some of my PI stuff when it’s slow. I’ll bring my iPad and check in and do other stuff that I just can’t do on the tiny iPhone screen. I was getting peeved that there was a lot of down time with not much to do and here I have all this other stuff that needs doing. POOF! Done!

2) Thank you, Universe for new revelations that really just affirmed what I actually knew on some level.

3) Thank you Universe for teachers all over the place.

and 4) Pumpkin Spice is coming! ermahgerd_keltis_instagram

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Just stab me in the head, whydontcha

Grr Stupid Chrome browser lost all my damn bookmarks and now I can’t function AT ALL. Yes, I’ve googled how to fix it and tried that. Even tried a system restore but noooo ….. Dammit. It was my own fault but I thought I was just unhooking my login from chrome in another machine and somehow managed to wipe myself out completely across all iterations.

(le sigh)

Also too: it rained like the biggest dog in the Universe today and since Miss PJ doesn’t like to get her dainty paws wet, she opted to stay in the car as Brogan and I stood in the rain like idiots trying to coax her out. But nooooo. I had to run him in the house, get a towel and go back out for her. Even with an umbrella and a towel, I had to almost drag her out of the car. (I hated doing that but she wouldn’t get out, the stubborn wench.)

Ugh.

Otherwise, I’m fine. Moving along, as one does. I’m no longer angry at myself and the Universe for manifesting this day job. Making peace with it and working around it, planning my departure sooner rather than later.

What’s up with you goofballs?

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The One & Only SnarkyPants

Boring the hell out of youse people since 2002.

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