You’re my wonderwall

The version of this Oasis song by Ryan Adams is my favorite (not like there’ve been a bunch of covers. Still.) because it’s trippy and haunting at the same time.

And for some odd reason, it reminds me of Lauren.

“And all the roads we have to walk were winding, and all the lights that lead the way are blinding …”

I learned the hardest way possible that you cannot walk someone else’s journey for them no matter how much you want to. I prayed and prayed and prayed that I would be allowed to carry this for her and let her be the one to have a long life. And time and again, I was told by my Guides and Teachers that this was a choice made by her soul for purposes that are not mine to know. My part was to walk that path with her and I did that in the best way I knew how.

“There are many things I’d like to say to you but I don’t know how ….”

One of the many, many blessings among her journey with cancer is that there was time to say everything I wanted to say. She knew, without question, how very much I loved her and what she meant to me. She knew. She always just knew. From the moment she was born, we just had this bond that I’ve never had with anyone else. There was nothing but love there, always.

“And maybe, you’re gonna be the one to save me ….”

I can’t even explain it but this line always chokes me up. She’s not my savior nor do I desire saving but … still. There’s an element of truth to this that I haven’t yet unpacked.

“And after all, you’re my wonderwall ….”

Because I like to know stuff, I looked up the definition of the word ‘wonderwall’ (here it is for your edification):

“According to Noel Gallagher (songwriter), the song describes “an imaginary friend who’s gonna come and save you from yourself “. And since the only ‘you’ in the song goes on to become the ‘Wonderwall‘, it must refer to something/someone who will always be there for you, and well, save you.

I don’t think I needed saving but since hers was the first voice I heard from the great beyond, I think she was instrumental in helping me on my path. So maybe she ‘saved’ me from a life forever in financial services? :)

This is one of those songs I can dive into and get lost. The words and music have deep, deep resonance for me and I can swim in it all day long.

Do you have a song like that?

(Gal, I know you do. My guess is Stoney End and Tears Dry on Their Own?)

All the things I just cannot with

There’s so much ‘stuff’ on FB these days – noise, sadness, arguing, etc. that I can’t overly add to that without feeling like I’m just dumping so I’ll do that in my safe space here. Take that as fair warning that this will be a whiny-ass post and read or move along as suits your needs. (Thank you.)

I just cannot with the following:

  • Noise. Oh my God! OH MY GOD. I do my best work in silence and it also restores me so having none of that and in fact, quite the opposite of that, has thrown me off kilter hard-core. Not only is there noise, but there is no space for me to go in the house where there is quiet. All the spaces available have Duty, television, dogs, a cat and noise. I used to retreat to my bedroom for that but since it’s under construction, no can do. So, this girl is feeling it big time. I’ll live and yes, first world problems but dang. It’s messing with me.
  • Work. Remember mama saying last time that she’s bitten off more than she can chew? Mama has bitten off half a damn cow! This is good in that it’s forcing me to create priorities but it’s also stressing me out at a time when that’s really not helpful to said work at all. Routine is/will be/has to be my friend. The office space I’m using temporarily isn’t the best but it will do for now. The only difference really between it and the quiet room in the library is that I can bring coffee in there if I want and also do phone calls.
  • Dogs. This is why I probably would have made a shitty mom because I am over my dogs and their incessant barking, whining and general neediness. Most days, I can hold space for that but minus the quiet, add the chaos and overwhelm and you’ve reached my limit. It’s my fault they are spoiled, I know. Again, mama-suckage in full-view.
  • Chubs. Yes, I’ve abandoned taking care of myself so fast, it was just a blur. Yesterday, I ate cereal for breakfast and lunch. (It could be worse, I know. Still, poor choices.) Again, again and again, I go away from my body because it’s too much effort when I know – I KNOW – that it’s going to hurt me in the end. I don’t know how to love myself into less of me. I don’t know that I know how to take up space without all the space I take up. I just don’t know.
  • Connection. One of the ways I’ve allowed people into my space is neediness. If they need something, I. AM. THERE. Then, after a while, where that’s all that exists, I am very unhappy and begin to dislike them. (Which is shitty, because this is not their fault at all. I’ve allowed it. Just like with the dogs.) There are some people who I connect with in a different way where they own their stuff, I own mine, we talk and laugh and keep moving. But those relationships are few. Still, they feed me. And I have been starving myself (possibly why the cookies fill a need, you know?)

Okay, that’s it for now. The banging and drilling has begun in earnest and the dogs are on high alert and my peaceful is now not peaceful any longer. There is a rainbow, however. The new bathroom will be magnificent when it’s done and I’ll be able to move around in the shower, flush the toilet less than 30 times for one pee, my bedroom will no longer be a paneled space and the energy will be different. That’s a good thing.

(Thanks for reading. Maybe this is what The Whine Line site should be. Just me and my whining so you only go there if you are ready for that.)

 

Chaos abounds!

After many months of farting around on my own time, things are moving and shaking on a couple fronts.

To wit:

  • Bathroom demo and reconstruction starts today. After many fits and starts and dates pushed back and other stuff, the construction begins. I’ve been sleeping on the couch in the sunroom since I got home from Utah and I actually don’t mind it, per se, but it will be nice when the room is done and I have a bed again. Bonus: I’ll have a usable bathroom too! The one that came with the house was barely acceptable – the previous owner just tossed it in there so he could say it was a two-bathroom house. We are upgrading it because it’s needed AND it will add value to the house when we eventually sell it rather than detract from it.
  • Working outside the house for a change – because of the bathroom demo + barking dogs 24/7, I rented some space in my friend’s office to have quiet time to do the calls/video stuff. Now that we’re moving into full swing on Angella’s program, I’ve got to be on those calls as well as doing the monthly coaching calls with each client. Thus, quiet time is needed. Plus, I work better when I’m in a dedicated space for 2-3 hours. We’ll see how it all plays out. Yesterday, as I was on a Zoom video call (think: Skype but much better), the wireless network there decided to do some serious lagging so I had to get on my phone and do it from there. It threw me off my center and I was not as present as I wanted to be. C’est la vie, eh?
  • Taking care of my own clients – always a priority and I see I can’t juggle a whole lot of them AND Angella’s too so have to be mindful of who I work with and the scope of the work. People are asking me for copywriting stuff and I’m not sure I really want to do that. I like editing but not the actual writing. Oh, who knows?
  • Mama has bitten off more than she can chew, yo. I’m learning that I don’t have to move immediately into an opportunity because I feel a nudge. Right now I’ve got my business, working with Angella, Profiling work, Crisis Text Line training, copywriting and various and sundry other things. (Toss some vacation at the beach in there (YEY!) and that’s a lot.) No more taking on new stuff for the rest of the year (or a week, whichever way the wind blows).
  • What would a post from me be without complaining, right? (And if you’re reading this, this complaint is not about you because this person doesn’t know this blog exists): Dear Person,  I was taken aback in our very short interaction yesterday to see your narcissism in full bloom. I knew it was always bad and rankled me but when you don’t have that energy in your world, even a short dose of it feels like being struck by lightning. Jesus, are you self-centered and to a degree that is breath-taking. The whole conversation (well, monologue by you) left me feeling suffocated and desperately looking for a way out. Yeah, we’re not doing that again. Ever. I’m out. I have space for one narcissist in my life and that post is taken so …. Bye Felicia!

 

And now for something completely different!

followers

 

 

Who does this belong to?

whoLast night (well, most of the day yesterday) I was angry. At what, I do not know. Just plain angry. That’s a feeling I don’t experience much. Pissy? Yes, I’ll have some of that, thankyouverymuch. But anger? No, not really.

The other day I did some healing work for Duty. I was the energetic proxy for him since I know he’s not about this kind of thing but it’s needed. (Yes, I checked with his higher self before I did it.)

It’s called “Emotion Code” healing and it was hella powerful. That evening, I felt like someone had run my ass over with a truck. I was exhausted on every possible level. Thing is, I can hold A LOT of big energy. Work like this doesn’t usually take me down. But this did. And I was just the proxy! Holy hell.

Anyway, I think the anger was Duty’s because I knew it wasn’t mine. When you’re feeling something that isn’t yours, you don’t know how to process it because it doesn’t even belong to you. You know what finally worked? 9:30 at night I was vacuuming and clearing off the counter of a zillion papers and detrius. I could not take that any longer.

After that, there was a palpable WHOOOOSH! of energy and the anger disappeared.

I can feel it creeping back in today so I’ve decided that returning to the gym is a good way to dissipate that ickiness.

Also too: I need to get back into a routine. Especially because things are really ramping up between new biz/old biz, Angella’s lead coach stuff, BIG assignment from profiling work and I’ve picked up something else to do – volunteering on a Crisis Text Line.  The training alone is 43 hours! I told my Guide team that I was done with new adventures for a while. I think that’s enough on my plate (in addition to gearing up for the “Be who you are, dammit!” tour coming soon(ish?)).

I was born to be on a stage

Lisa on stagePretty sure I was considering it was the first time I’ve done that in this kind of way and I was pretty damn awesome, gotta say.

(Toots own horn)

I was scared to pieces and Wee Spirit Animal had to give me a ‘Come to Jesus’ chat about being visible. FOCUS!! That should be his middle name but damn if he didn’t help and it didn’t work beautifully.

What I think was most interesting to me is that it took more energy for me to remain invisible than it does for me to show up and be me. While I was tired from 3 full days of interactions, I was not the kind of exhausted that comes with these kinds of things for me in the past.

So many awarenesses and so much goodness to come. Join me on the “Be Who You Are, Dammit!” tour with special guest, WSA, won’t you?

More in a day or two. Mama seems to have overloaded herself a bit much. Jeepers.

Deep Thoughts

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