Wherein our heroine goes from fear to euphoria to breakdown to breakthrough.
Jeebus, it’s been a week, yo. I went to bed at 8:30 last night because I am just emotionally exhausted from everything.
As you all know, it takes everything I have to go in and tell bossman I gots to go. Putz around on Monday but refuse to let myself off the hook on Tuesday and it. is. done! Woooo hoooo! Co-workers in tears “how will I make it here without you?” and “You’re the reason I even show up in the morning most days” and tons of love and support.
I am triumphant and shall be FREE! Celebrations all around!
Bossman messages me and says “Can you come see me when you get a chance?” – Never a good thing (except once when he gave me a gift certificate to Nordstroms!) and so I make my way down the long hall to his office. He tells me he just got off a conference call with Complex Director, Assistant Complex Director and Administrative Complex Director, (Uh oh) They’d “like” me to stay until the end of the year.
WT everlivin’ F?????
All sorts of wailing and gnashing of teeth ensue (mostly by me) and bossman and I discuss this. There are several reasons they give (bogus at best) and it’s more the energy of things I’m reading. It’s a long (LONG) story but there are two very big personnel issues going on that they are loathe to deal with and they would flare up like big dogs if I leave and the nice woman who would step into my position did just that. I suspect it’s two parts that and one part “but she promised a year!!” sort of thing. (Which I did and knew that as the words came out of my mouth, they were not true. But I kept saying them – why????)
I asked for time to consider it, knowing that they can’t force me to stay and I have a choice.
Call Duty and cry to him. To his credit, he is fully behind me on whatever I want to do. (As he always is after his initial blustering.) Cry and cry and CRY about it to co-workers who love me (and wonder why I’m crying).
Decide that I will stay after considering several things:
1) End of year bonus (approx $2500 +/-) will pay down a credit card nicely
2) Holidays at the office are fun and things are S L O W
3) The extra 2 months of income will release me from having to get PI making money NOW! during a quiet season.
4) This gives me time to get things all aligned and ready to go come January 1.
Tell Bossman okay but through tears. I wonder why, when it took me EVERYTHING I HAD to even say what I wanted and claim my work, that I’m thrown this curveball. Is the Universe telling me I have to REALLY want it? (I do, for fuck’s sake! Why do I need to keep proving it??) Sad, angry, emotionally exhausted … I am all of those things. And I am glad that I’ve not had client calls those nights because I had NOTHING left to give.
INTERMISSION – take a moment to go pee or get a drink and meet me back here in a few minutes! :)
Finally tell my wonderful biz coach about it knowing she’ll help me find a way through even as I’ve agreed to continue on for the next 60 days. We talk for an hour Thursday night and as we’re talking, my Guides come rolling through with a message: “This was the next step. You just couldn’t see it coming until you took that first one. It doesn’t look AT ALL like what you thought, we know. Trust us, this is the right step.”
Once I understood that I wasn’t caving in to fear but making the decision from a conscious place (vs. the one I made out of fear to take this job when Duty got laid off), I felt like a big weight was lifted.
Here’s the piece I needed: Last week, my other (equally wonderful) coach and I discussed how to shine my big light in a place that shuts down ANYONE shining. And I was reminded of Caroline Myss’s comments about how it’s easy to listen to your intuition when it’s quiet and all is well. Much harder to do it in swirling chaos when there’s noise everywhere.
Question: Can I shine my big light no matter where I am?
That’s my challenge and one I’ve taken up with zest. YES! I will shine bright (like a diamond!) and practice this.
Act Six (Final Act)
There are so damn many lessons in all this that it makes my head swirl. I was beating myself up so hard about feeling like I caved (AGAIN! As usual!) that I wouldn’t let go to see the gifts here. I am lucky to have support from my 37 coaches (ha!) that helps me find my way.
Just a few of them for your edification:
1. I did the thing that I feared for over a month – I spoke my truth even when others would be disappointed and/or inconvenienced by it. This is a huge win for me, regardless of anything else.
2. Extra income means I can lay out 2015 the way I want to and not out of “Oh my God! I have to get this money in now!” energy. Angella and I have a two-hour call next Sunday to do just that. Things shifted when I found out some Akashic Record info (long story – no need for details, just trust) and I am moving in a direction of shorter, more frequent classes for PI.
3. As I said, end of year bonus means a big bill for new doors can be paid off completely. This makes Duty happy (and by extension, me).
There are more that will unfold, I know.
Bottom line: I did claim myself and PI as my work. That’s the most important piece. And where I go from here is an open field, revealed when it is time.
We never know how things will show up once we’ve taken a big step. There are lots and lots (and LOTS!) of possibilities that get you to the next right place of action.
This is mine.
(Curtain falls on hushed audience)
What? No applause?? :)