Alive and with bonus attitude adjustment!

Y’all should know by now that when you don’t hear from me, I’m too grumpy to be around. I wrote a long, pissed-off, sad post last week and it was hideous. I couldn’t press PUBLISH on you, I just couldn’t.

So, I waited.

Thankfully, a session with bestest coach ever really helped re-orient me and I took some big action right after so things shifted a lot. I feel better about being at YOPOE knowing that the time will come in the not too distant future when I’ll depart.

Gratitude time:

1) Thank you, Universe for a nifty gizmo called Karma - it’s a WiFi hotspot where you pay for the data you use rather than be on a ‘use it or lose it’ plan. Why do I have this? So that I can do some of my PI stuff when it’s slow. I’ll bring my iPad and check in and do other stuff that I just can’t do on the tiny iPhone screen. I was getting peeved that there was a lot of down time with not much to do and here I have all this other stuff that needs doing. POOF! Done!

2) Thank you, Universe for new revelations that really just affirmed what I actually knew on some level.

3) Thank you Universe for teachers all over the place.

and 4) Pumpkin Spice is coming! ermahgerd_keltis_instagram

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Just stab me in the head, whydontcha

Grr Stupid Chrome browser lost all my damn bookmarks and now I can’t function AT ALL. Yes, I’ve googled how to fix it and tried that. Even tried a system restore but noooo ….. Dammit. It was my own fault but I thought I was just unhooking my login from chrome in another machine and somehow managed to wipe myself out completely across all iterations.

(le sigh)

Also too: it rained like the biggest dog in the Universe today and since Miss PJ doesn’t like to get her dainty paws wet, she opted to stay in the car as Brogan and I stood in the rain like idiots trying to coax her out. But nooooo. I had to run him in the house, get a towel and go back out for her. Even with an umbrella and a towel, I had to almost drag her out of the car. (I hated doing that but she wouldn’t get out, the stubborn wench.)

Ugh.

Otherwise, I’m fine. Moving along, as one does. I’m no longer angry at myself and the Universe for manifesting this day job. Making peace with it and working around it, planning my departure sooner rather than later.

What’s up with you goofballs?

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Things that formerly interested me but now, not so much

Cousin O’Love once said that when I loved something, I loved it 110% – there was no halfway.

This is true.

And when I’m done with something, I’m 110% done.

Presenting “Things with which I am officially done”

1. Hockey – loved it, lived it fiercely in 2004-2006. Once we moved out of the broadcast area of Washington Capitals games, I lost all interest. Now and again, we’ll go to a game and I remember why I loved it – the intensity you can feel coming off the ice, watching well-muscled young men do interesting stretches on the ice in warm ups, (hee!) and finding your own inner heathen when a fight breaks out. Even Lauren wasn’t immune from that and would be right there with me, cheering our players on during a scuffle.

But now? Not being able to follow the team on television (and my general disdain for sitting in front of same for hours on end) has led to my now ambivalence toward the sport. Duty will still watch the few times the Caps are on TV and hollers in the score but mostly? I just don’t care.

2. Those treats from the bakery in town - I think it was the time I went into a weird sugar haze and ended up there without intending to that did me in. It was outta control and one day – POOF! – I just stopped going. Like something that just washed over me and that craving was gone. So weird.

3. Politics - man, is it ever a sewer now. (I know, ever has it been and I’m only just noticing? hahhaha) I pretty much stopped going to sites that were clickbait-y (oh hai Huffington Post) and am very selective about what I read now. I stopped reading FB pages that continue to divide us by making fun of the other side (we know, each side dislikes the other and thinks they’re all wrong) – all of it makes me feel powerless to stop this precipitous slide into blatant oligarchy. Power is a helluva drug, to paraphrase the late Rick James.

What do you no longer care about? (Please don’t say me, mmkay?)

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Just a thought or thirty

free spirit As I close out week #4 at YOPOE, I have noticed a few things:

1) Everyone counts down the working days hoping they make it until Friday. This is not new but it keeps poking me in the side – I don’t want to spend my life counting down the weekdays until that one moment where I am free (for 48 hours). The nice thing about doing my PI work is that I truly love it. Yes, breaks are so important, yada yada but I never feel like I’m counting the minutes to freedom. It’s nice to feel that way.

2) I can only take so much “what’s on your plate for the weekend?” or “how was your weekend? Do anything fun?” – I respond and ask in kind because I’m nice and it seems the thing to do but mostly I think no one cares. I’ve never been one for small talk and man, I am hardcore surrounded by it. Long-time readers know this was the bane of my existence back in the day.

Thing is, if I like you, I’ll listen to your inane conversation for hours because you listen to mine and we love each other. If I feel neutral about you (or worse), inane convos will be very short. Terse, even.

3) Going from big-picture woo-work to details about the 3 cents in your account makes my head hurt. It never used to but it’s like having to run in two directions at the same time. Not a fan, I’ll tell ya.

Anyway, that’s what’s mostly rolling in my head these days. Things in ‘the cage’ are easier now (mostly I scan and fax all day) and I’ve released my attachment to “saving” nice cage lady. I’ve offered references, my car if she needs it and a friendly voice. That’s all I can do at this point.

Working on some big guilt pieces that also need to be released. Guilt is never a helpful emotion and it can motivate you into doing some things really not aligned with highest good.

Lessons, always lessons, amirite?

What’s going on in your world? Let me know!

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Gratitude for all that is

 

Every single post I tried to write this week was full of whining and pissing and moaning. So, I wrote published nothing. As you can imagine, I am not at all happy about where I find myself. Not at all.

There is nothing for me to do but give thanks for this lesson. And some other stuff.

I give thanks to the Universe for everything below

gratitude

❤ Duty’s job that keeps his mind engaged and gives him focus.

❤ Spending the day surrounded by people I truly like

❤ My students and clients who roll with me through this new space

❤ My coach Jaelin who knows I have it in me to get through this piece even if I don’t

❤ Zinfandel + Diet Sierra Mist (It sounds gross and Jersey-shore and I don’t care. I like it.)

❤ The love of my doggies

❤ All those who hold me in their loving space as I work through this.

I wish I could share all the 100000 things that are going through my head – for one thing, there’s a heaping helping of GUILT that I have a job with a steady income and all I want to do is toss it away. (Trust me, if I could give it back to the nice cage lady along with my salary, I’d do it so fast your head would spin watching me.)

There’s anger at myself for creating this scenario for reasons I don’t yet know.

And I’m tired of being tired and unhappy.

Whenever you see me write a gratitude post from here on, it’s a way of shifting my vibration.

If you’re still reading this blog through all the whining and complaining and bitching, I thank you. ❤

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Determined to make a better week

Despite how much I whine and complain on here, I am not a fan of drama. And being pulled back into it (and it looming large) has really thrown me off my center.

So, I’m pulling myself back to that space because that’s how I must move forward.

I’ve cut the energetic cord of attachment between me and YOPOE so that there’s no more tugging of emotions back and forth. I will go in, do the work I’m paid to do and hold a higher vibration. When the Universe deems the time to be right to open the door to leave, I will go. My intention is to be shorter than a year and I’m holding to that.

PI will survive and thrive because it IS my work – not this. I won’t allow anyone or anything to pull me off that space. Duty and I had a talk the other night and I don’t think he sees this as a real business, despite my protestations to the contrary. I understand why he feels that way and I also understand that it reflects back to me ways *I* don’t take it seriously.

Time to (wo)man up and keep the ship moving in the direction I want to go. Not sure yet how that looks but that’s okay.

Onward (again).

(Thanks to Gorky for the pep talk and the reminder that I control how PI shows up and it’s entirely MY decision to remain in my center.)

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“Corporations are people, my friend”

And if that’s so, Mittster, they are mean, shitty, short-sighted people.

Here’s a quiz:

When’s the best time to lay someone off?

A) never
B) never
C) a week after they’ve had damn near close to a heart attack

If you guessed C, you’d be a candidate for management in YOPOE. Because that is what they did. They laid off the nice cage lady yesterday. A week after her heart scare. Nice, eh?

And now, yours truly finds herself full-time in the cage with no backup. So, that’s smart thinking, right?

All so they can bring in two people who do not know the system – AT ALL – to fulfill whatever “vision” they have for how to do things. Conveniently forgetting that I’ll be leaving in 50 weeks. (And if you don’t know I’m counting those days on a big calendar marked with X’s like in prison, you don’t know me at all.)

I hate corporate America and am so glad that this is temporary because I will never, ever go back to it. This is it for me. I will make PI work as a full-time income decently producing work if it kills me because this? This abomination? I. just. cannot. Everyone in the branch was stunned and angry on her behalf. This is a woman who is living in an extended stay motel with no car and desperately needed the job. And they knew that.

I do not understand why they’d let someone highly competent at her job – a very detail oriented, has-to-run-smoothly-or-shit-gets-fucked-up-everywhere job – go to bring in morons (no offense to said morons) who have to be trained, thus doubling the work of EVERYONE on the already-stressed-out support staff. For what? They were paying nice cage lady shit. I saw what they paid her. It’s shit.

If you can’t tell, I am highly agitated over this.

Yes, I knew it was a possibility and had even talked to my boss about how to keep her and show them things would be fine but since he’s been rendered completely impotent, I may as well have been talking to the wall. He chooses to suck it down and get run over and everyone else pays the price. Isn’t that lovely? And the branch rakes in money hand over fist that doesn’t go to anyone but …. the big-wigs.

I so want to just say ‘fuck it’ and quit but I made a promise and I am choosing to live up to it. I regret, with all my heart, saying yes and only did so because I felt we had no choice.

Now, things are in upheaval there, I’m stuck where I do not want to be, it’s costing us $600/month for the dogs to go to daycare (would have been $800 but she cut us a break) all for what?

And, on top of that, PI may soon be flailing because I can’t keep up with it all.

A bright spot is that several of the brokers in the office have sent out word to see if anyone they know has job openings and there were a couple indications of interest for her so fingers crossed, she gets something. YOPOE gave her a month’s severance so she has a wee bit of breathing room but not much. I am so angry at them for doing this now. Stupid asses. Can’t see past the next damn day, making decisions that affect everyone in a negative way in a place where there’s already a shitstorm of unhappiness and unrest.

Sigh. This is corporate America. A place I refuse to ever return to if I have any choice.

Oh Universe. This is NOT what I wanted. (And yes, tiny first world problems, etc. I know. I get it. I still can feel pissy about what is going on in my life.)

This is fucked-up and bullshit and this is my life right now. (Duty is taking it hard and there’s nothing I can do about that. I can’t hide my sadness over all this. (I tried.))

So, there you have it. No cheery coating, friends. None. Shit is fucked up and bullshit.

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The One & Only SnarkyPants

Boring the hell out of youse people since 2002.

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