I do other things besides whine and navel-gaze, ya know

I do! And here are some of them for your reading enjoyment and edification.

Yes, Please!

I just finished listening to Amy Poehler’s audio book “Yes, Please” and liked it a lot. Tina Fey’s “Bossypants” set the standard and Amy’s work is compared to it a lot (as in “Well, it’s not Bossypants”) but each stands on its own merit.  I liked both but for different reasons.

I found Tina to be fascinating but distant – like I was watching a movie about her on a screen in front of me. Amy felt like a best friend talking about her life. She felt closer and more intimate, especially when talking about her divorce from Will Arnette and a trip to Haiti with an amazing group of children’s aid workers.  She is clearly passionate about improv and her roots (like Tina’s) are there so she shares much about what her life was like during that time.  All in all, an enjoyable listen as she’s a WONDERFUL voice actress.

Breaking Bad

I remember watching the first episode a long time ago and it made me feel sad and chaotic so I turned it off. (I can generate that on my own, yo. Don’t need no television show whipping that shit up!)  Still, it’s been lauded as one of the best shows of all time and I really like serial dramas so recently I gave it another shot and this time I was hooked.  HOOKED!  It is darkly funny (in the way Six Feet Under was) and spellbinding.  Watching someone morph from a meek chemistry teacher to a drug kingpin in the space of a year thanks to a terminal cancer diagnosis is fascinating.  And sad.  And scary.  I’m partial to Jesse, his former student who got caught in the maelstrom and watches his whole life flip around at the hands of Walter White.  I’m on the last season with about eight episodes to go and am sad to see it end.  The show is well deserving of all its Emmy awards.

I bought a keyboard!

I have wanted one for a while (the piano kind, not the computer kind) – what stopped me is Duty saying “you’re buying another thing that you’ll just let collect dust after you play with it for a few days” (I haz a sad because he’s often right about this.)  Still, too bad! Every time I hear the opening chords to “I’d Die Without You” by PM Dawn, I long to be able to do that.  So, I bit the bullet, decided to barrel right through Duty’s comments and get a keyboard.  Woo hoo!  It comes today.

See? I don’t always whine and navel-gaze! :)

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The hazards of living a conscious life

 

So, my wonderful coach reminded me yesterday that my vow to make Grinchy dude’s days ahead “a living hell” would come back to bite me in the ass.

Dammit.

I know that.

And the hard part is that when you know it and do it anyway, the bite in the ass is a million times worse.

grinch3

When I told her that Grinchy dude complains to everyone about everything and that any desk he approaches becomes his ‘Complaint Desk’, she said “that’s all the joy he has in his life – can you feel compassion for someone like that?”

 

 

Dammit (again)

Yes, I can. I don’t want to but I can.

Part of living a conscious life is side-stepping the desire to be a piss-head back. Not only because the ass-bite will be big but because it’s the right thing, turn the other cheek, yada yada.

My coach is right. And while she and I relished the idea of giving him hell, in the long run, it’s not worth what I’d pay in karmic consequence. I’ve got other and better things on which to expend my energy.

Happy news!

I (finally) bought a keyboard (the musical kind) because I’ve wanted one for a while now. I used to plunk around on piano as a kid with lessons from Sister Dorothy (‘young ladies do not have long fingernails’, she’d say to me as she clipped my mini-daggers).

We had an organ in the house because my dad loved to play but he said if I didn’t practice more, he’d give it away. I didn’t and he did. Which always puzzled me because he was the one who played it most so why give away something you liked? (My dad was an interesting fellow who did things without much rhyme or reason to the ladies of the house.)

Anyway, I mostly just want to practice and see where it takes me. Hopefully, the spirit of Sister Dorothy won’t haunt me about my fingernails because they are nice, yo!

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Yes, I AM judging you!

I know it’s not love and light to admit this – but yes, I am judging you.  Well, not YOU.  But a few people that happen to inhabit my office – I am judging them and they are encouraged to judge my ass right back.

Why, you ask?

Every year, we adopt several families at Christmas as an office gratitude tradition.  I began this lovely practice in 2009 and it’s been going since (even when I’m not there leading it).

I’m running it again this year and sent out an email about it – pretty quickly got a lot of yes votes (which is nice).  I had to re-send the emails a couple times but mostly everyone was on board.

grinch3Except two of the most grinchiest men I know.

OF COURSE.

These are men who spend more on a single shirt than they would contribute to this endeavor.  One didn’t bother to respond to me but told someone else that he didn’t want to contribute because it was designed to make another broker look good. (Rolls eyes so hard they came out my ass.)

SIDEBAR: Remember the crazy broker I worked for back in the day? Him.  This grinchy advisor hates him with a flaming passion. The charity we work with is one of hated broker’s clients. That’s the connection.

How fuckin’ petty can you be?

Pretty fuckin’ petty because other grinchy broker, who embodies the words ‘pissy little shithead’ wrote back that he already made all his charitable contributions this year.

Seriously?

A $20 gift card is gonna break your ass?

Seriously?

I don’t get this at all.  All of the support staff (who all make SIGNIFICANTLY less than any one of these advisors) are in with a full heart.  As they always are.

So yes, I am judging you both.  And harshly, at that.

 

Here’s an opportunity to do some good, ease a fellow parent’s heavy heart and provide a child with a gift and you say no because you’ve taken all your tax deductions for the year or because you are so full of yourself that you can’t see beyond your ego?

Shaking my damn head.

Asshats.

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Eleven readings in one day – whoa!

My friend and former coach Rixie Dennison asked me to offer intuitive readings at her fall yoga retreat and I was only too happy to say yes.

Although, as the day got closer, I was wondering what the hell I was thinking.  Eleven people signed up for readings and I’ve  never done that many in one day – would I even be able to do it?

hell yesThe short answer is yes.  The happy answer is HELL YES!

I can honestly say it was the only time I’ve worked all day at something and left feeling more energized than when I started.

The ladies who came before me were courageous, willing to seek answers, to open themselves to things that maybe made them a wee but uncomfortable and so so open.  I felt like it was truly my honor to serve them.

And I see how comfortable I am now in my Woo space in public.  I wasn’t self-conscious, I was able to hold the energy and I was *VISIBLE*.  That’s new for me.  (It helped that I had on a nifty pair of shoes that made me feel good!)

Lessons always, all the time, everywhere.  —> That should be my motto, amirite?

All in all, a good day.  I needed that.

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It’s me ….

HPOTW… and I am eternally grateful to the person who dubbed me the “High Priestess of the Woo” some years back.

He managed to hone right in on my soul essence and although he called me this in jest, it stuck and became a big part of my online business persona.

Thanks FB0033, wherever you are.

 

*Soul portrait done by Tania at Maui Soul Prints – she does beautiful work!

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And now – the rest of the story

 

Wherein our heroine goes from fear to euphoria to breakdown to breakthrough.

cat deadtiredJeebus, it’s been a week, yo. I went to bed at 8:30 last night because I am just emotionally exhausted from everything.

Act One
As you all know, it takes everything I have to go in and tell bossman I gots to go. Putz around on Monday but refuse to let myself off the hook on Tuesday and it. is. done! Woooo hoooo! Co-workers in tears “how will I make it here without you?” and “You’re the reason I even show up in the morning most days” and tons of love and support.

I am triumphant and shall be FREE! Celebrations all around!

Act Two
Bossman messages me and says “Can you come see me when you get a chance?” – Never a good thing (except once when he gave me a gift certificate to Nordstroms!) and so I make my way down the long hall to his office. He tells me he just got off a conference call with Complex Director, Assistant Complex Director and Administrative Complex Director, (Uh oh) They’d “like” me to stay until the end of the year.

WT everlivin’ F?????

All sorts of wailing and gnashing of teeth ensue (mostly by me) and bossman and I discuss this. There are several reasons they give (bogus at best) and it’s more the energy of things I’m reading. It’s a long (LONG) story but there are two very big personnel issues going on that they are loathe to deal with and they would flare up like big dogs if I leave and the nice woman who would step into my position did just that. I suspect it’s two parts that and one part “but she promised a year!!” sort of thing. (Which I did and knew that as the words came out of my mouth, they were not true. But I kept saying them – why????)

I asked for time to consider it, knowing that they can’t force me to stay and I have a choice.

Act Three
Call Duty and cry to him. To his credit, he is fully behind me on whatever I want to do. (As he always is after his initial blustering.) Cry and cry and CRY about it to co-workers who love me (and wonder why I’m crying).

Decide that I will stay after considering several things:

1) End of year bonus (approx $2500 +/-) will pay down a credit card nicely
2) Holidays at the office are fun and things are S L O W
3) The extra 2 months of income will release me from having to get PI making money NOW! during a quiet season.
4) This gives me time to get things all aligned and ready to go come January 1.

Act Four
Tell Bossman okay but through tears. I wonder why, when it took me EVERYTHING I HAD to even say what I wanted and claim my work, that I’m thrown this curveball. Is the Universe telling me I have to REALLY want it? (I do, for fuck’s sake! Why do I need to keep proving it??) Sad, angry, emotionally exhausted … I am all of those things. And I am glad that I’ve not had client calls those nights because I had NOTHING left to give.

(Close curtain)

INTERMISSION – take a moment to go pee or get a drink and meet me back here in a few minutes! :)

(Curtains open)

Act Five
Finally tell my wonderful biz coach about it knowing she’ll help me find a way through even as I’ve agreed to continue on for the next 60 days. We talk for an hour Thursday night and as we’re talking, my Guides come rolling through with a message: “This was the next step. You just couldn’t see it coming until you took that first one. It doesn’t look AT ALL like what you thought, we know. Trust us, this is the right step.”

Once I understood that I wasn’t caving in to fear but making the decision from a conscious place (vs. the one I made out of fear to take this job when Duty got laid off), I felt like a big weight was lifted.

Here’s the piece I needed: Last week, my other (equally wonderful) coach and I discussed how to shine my big light in a place that shuts down ANYONE shining. And I was reminded of Caroline Myss’s comments about how it’s easy to listen to your intuition when it’s quiet and all is well. Much harder to do it in swirling chaos when there’s noise everywhere.

Question: Can I shine my big light no matter where I am?

That’s my challenge and one I’ve taken up with zest. YES! I will shine bright (like a diamond!) and practice this.

Act Six (Final Act)
There are so damn many lessons in all this that it makes my head swirl. I was beating myself up so hard about feeling like I caved (AGAIN! As usual!) that I wouldn’t let go to see the gifts here. I am lucky to have support from my 37 coaches (ha!) that helps me find my way.

Just a few of them for your edification:

1. I did the thing that I feared for over a month – I spoke my truth even when others would be disappointed and/or inconvenienced by it. This is a huge win for me, regardless of anything else.

2. Extra income means I can lay out 2015 the way I want to and not out of “Oh my God! I have to get this money in now!” energy. Angella and I have a two-hour call next Sunday to do just that. Things shifted when I found out some Akashic Record info (long story – no need for details, just trust) and I am moving in a direction of shorter, more frequent classes for PI.

3. As I said, end of year bonus means a big bill for new doors can be paid off completely. This makes Duty happy (and by extension, me).

There are more that will unfold, I know.

Bottom line: I did claim myself and PI as my work. That’s the most important piece. And where I go from here is an open field, revealed when it is time.

We never know how things will show up once we’ve taken a big step. There are lots and lots (and LOTS!) of possibilities that get you to the next right place of action.

This is mine.

(Curtain falls on hushed audience)

What? No applause??  :)

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FINALLY!!!

It is done!

Hallelujah! lolcat-invisible-high-five

Bossman was really sweet and after asking if I was serious, he said “You got me through a very tough time and I’m so grateful for that.” He said he knew sooner or later that it was coming (was hoping later, not surprised at sooner).

There was no letting myself off the hook – I’d already gone too long and it was only getting scarier so now or never. Plus, I DO NOT want to feel the smack of the Uni on my head because that sucks like you cannot believe.

My coach told me I was as shut down as she’s ever seen me and I know that’s true. The corporate world takes it out of me – it doesn’t happen to everyone but it sure does to me. The decision came down to whether I would CHOOSE to “shine bright like a diamond” or not. And I chose to shine.

“Find light in the beautiful sea
I choose to be happy
You and I, you and I
We’re like diamonds in the sky”

Thank you all again (seen and unseen readers) who have carried me along, cheerleading all the way. Couldn’t have done it without you!

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The One & Only SnarkyPants

Boring the hell out of youse people since 2002.

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