Most of my life these days seems to encompass the words “Why bother?”.
Apathy is traditionally a sign that my usually-held-at-bay depression is creeping in but this is more a symptom of ennui, I think. I’m stuck in a cage until the end of the year (yes, it’s not too far away now) and feel like I’ve lost some motivation/enthusiasm for my own work.
My wonderful coach Jaelin and I are working on this weird underlying issue from a bizillion lifetimes ago that seems to be jacking my shit up hardcore. (Yes, I know I’ve had tons of lifetime muck show up this year, haven’t I? It’s what happens when you try to climb out of your cocoon and be a bigger version of who you are.)
Primal fear of … something. She feels it has to do with caveman times and fear of being eaten by a very large creature. And, in fact, that lifetime WAS cut short by that very thing.
Apparently, I’ve been dragging that fear of being consumed (and, of course, dead) from lifetime to lifetime. I guess it’s showing up now so that I can ditch it for good. This all came out as a result of my taking a tumble Tuesday (good alliteration there!) when I slid on some wet marble going into the lobby of the office building.
That was fun.
Sprained my ankle and broke my pinky toe somehow. Good thing I’ve got some padding because this girl went down hard. So embarrassing. Because I think nothing is an accident, coach and I did some digging to find out what this is about. (Hence, caveman times)
I’m home today because I just couldn’t face going in to the office. Most days I can push through the malaise but today I just couldn’t. So, home, making myself do PI things. The swelling has gone down some but the pinky toe is bruised and painful. Ain’t nothing they can do for broken wee toes, alas.
If you’ve been wondering where I am, I am doggie paddling my way through sadness, ennui, boredom, loneliness and other assorted icky emotions. As always, I’ll come out the other end just fine.
Yeah, Yeah, it’s that gratitude time again where a whole wall full of posts on Facebook talk about how we should be thankful for everything and everyone, yada yada yada.
And I am.
Thankful, that is.
This year has been all about the hard lessons. My growing pains, as it were. All the lessons I received this year I earned – both good and not-as-good.
Here’s what I’ve learned, eleven months into this year:
1) What draws people together is sometimes the same thing that moves them apart. And those ‘apart’ parts hurt.
2) If I don’t see my business as a real, true business, no one else will either. It starts with me. No more farting around and playing at having a business. This was the year shit got real.
3) This is not a new lesson but it’s one that keeps bonking me in the head: telling the truth about what I want is often supremely uncomfortable especially if I think what I have to say is hurtful to someone else. I’d rather suck it down than say it but then I run around with awful words in my head. At some point, I’ll give up the pretense of politeness and just roam around saying what I want. That day has not yet arrived.
4) Asking for help is imperative. My coach tells me I think I have to do it all myself (she’s right because I despise needy whiny people (physician, heal thyself!)) so I’m learning to ask for more help. Not just with PI but things in general.
5) I need to get back in my body and get moving. Period. This is ridiculous. I struggled my ass through crossfit for six months. I can do anything! (Well, except Crossfit and that’s why I left.)
Thanks for sticking around and leaving comments and cheering me on this year. If you peruse the archives from about ten years ago, I used to be a lot funnier. Seems I’ve lost some snark as I’ve aged or maybe my muse has deserted me (again!) and I’m waiting around for him to show up at some point. Who knows?
Peace and loves to you all.
I do! And here are some of them for your reading enjoyment and edification.
I just finished listening to Amy Poehler’s audio book “Yes, Please” and liked it a lot. Tina Fey’s “Bossypants” set the standard and Amy’s work is compared to it a lot (as in “Well, it’s not Bossypants”) but each stands on its own merit. I liked both but for different reasons.
I found Tina to be fascinating but distant – like I was watching a movie about her on a screen in front of me. Amy felt like a best friend talking about her life. She felt closer and more intimate, especially when talking about her divorce from Will Arnette and a trip to Haiti with an amazing group of children’s aid workers. She is clearly passionate about improv and her roots (like Tina’s) are there so she shares much about what her life was like during that time. All in all, an enjoyable listen as she’s a WONDERFUL voice actress.
I remember watching the first episode a long time ago and it made me feel sad and chaotic so I turned it off. (I can generate that on my own, yo. Don’t need no television show whipping that shit up!) Still, it’s been lauded as one of the best shows of all time and I really like serial dramas so recently I gave it another shot and this time I was hooked. HOOKED! It is darkly funny (in the way Six Feet Under was) and spellbinding. Watching someone morph from a meek chemistry teacher to a drug kingpin in the space of a year thanks to a terminal cancer diagnosis is fascinating. And sad. And scary. I’m partial to Jesse, his former student who got caught in the maelstrom and watches his whole life flip around at the hands of Walter White. I’m on the last season with about eight episodes to go and am sad to see it end. The show is well deserving of all its Emmy awards.
I bought a keyboard!
I have wanted one for a while (the piano kind, not the computer kind) – what stopped me is Duty saying “you’re buying another thing that you’ll just let collect dust after you play with it for a few days” (I haz a sad because he’s often right about this.) Still, too bad! Every time I hear the opening chords to “I’d Die Without You” by PM Dawn, I long to be able to do that. So, I bit the bullet, decided to barrel right through Duty’s comments and get a keyboard. Woo hoo! It comes today.
See? I don’t always whine and navel-gaze! :)
So, my wonderful coach reminded me yesterday that my vow to make Grinchy dude’s days ahead “a living hell” would come back to bite me in the ass.
I know that.
And the hard part is that when you know it and do it anyway, the bite in the ass is a million times worse.
When I told her that Grinchy dude complains to everyone about everything and that any desk he approaches becomes his ‘Complaint Desk’, she said “that’s all the joy he has in his life – can you feel compassion for someone like that?”
Yes, I can. I don’t want to but I can.
Part of living a conscious life is side-stepping the desire to be a piss-head back. Not only because the ass-bite will be big but because it’s the right thing, turn the other cheek, yada yada.
My coach is right. And while she and I relished the idea of giving him hell, in the long run, it’s not worth what I’d pay in karmic consequence. I’ve got other and better things on which to expend my energy.
I (finally) bought a keyboard (the musical kind) because I’ve wanted one for a while now. I used to plunk around on piano as a kid with lessons from Sister Dorothy (‘young ladies do not have long fingernails’, she’d say to me as she clipped my mini-daggers).
We had an organ in the house because my dad loved to play but he said if I didn’t practice more, he’d give it away. I didn’t and he did. Which always puzzled me because he was the one who played it most so why give away something you liked? (My dad was an interesting fellow who did things without much rhyme or reason to the ladies of the house.)
Anyway, I mostly just want to practice and see where it takes me. Hopefully, the spirit of Sister Dorothy won’t haunt me about my fingernails because they are nice, yo!
I know it’s not love and light to admit this – but yes, I am judging you. Well, not YOU. But a few people that happen to inhabit my office – I am judging them and they are encouraged to judge my ass right back.
Why, you ask?
Every year, we adopt several families at Christmas as an office gratitude tradition. I began this lovely practice in 2009 and it’s been going since (even when I’m not there leading it).
I’m running it again this year and sent out an email about it – pretty quickly got a lot of yes votes (which is nice). I had to re-send the emails a couple times but mostly everyone was on board.
These are men who spend more on a single shirt than they would contribute to this endeavor. One didn’t bother to respond to me but told someone else that he didn’t want to contribute because it was designed to make another broker look good. (Rolls eyes so hard they came out my ass.)
SIDEBAR: Remember the crazy broker I worked for back in the day? Him. This grinchy advisor hates him with a flaming passion. The charity we work with is one of hated broker’s clients. That’s the connection.
How fuckin’ petty can you be?
Pretty fuckin’ petty because other grinchy broker, who embodies the words ‘pissy little shithead’ wrote back that he already made all his charitable contributions this year.
A $20 gift card is gonna break your ass?
I don’t get this at all. All of the support staff (who all make SIGNIFICANTLY less than any one of these advisors) are in with a full heart. As they always are.
So yes, I am judging you both. And harshly, at that.
Here’s an opportunity to do some good, ease a fellow parent’s heavy heart and provide a child with a gift and you say no because you’ve taken all your tax deductions for the year or because you are so full of yourself that you can’t see beyond your ego?
Shaking my damn head.
My friend and former coach Rixie Dennison asked me to offer intuitive readings at her fall yoga retreat and I was only too happy to say yes.
Although, as the day got closer, I was wondering what the hell I was thinking. Eleven people signed up for readings and I’ve never done that many in one day – would I even be able to do it?
I can honestly say it was the only time I’ve worked all day at something and left feeling more energized than when I started.
The ladies who came before me were courageous, willing to seek answers, to open themselves to things that maybe made them a wee but uncomfortable and so so open. I felt like it was truly my honor to serve them.
And I see how comfortable I am now in my Woo space in public. I wasn’t self-conscious, I was able to hold the energy and I was *VISIBLE*. That’s new for me. (It helped that I had on a nifty pair of shoes that made me feel good!)
Lessons always, all the time, everywhere. —> That should be my motto, amirite?
All in all, a good day. I needed that.