“But they went to the Moon and they brought back rock. They brought back rock! Trouble is, we?ve got rock. That was the one thing we didn?t need, wasn?t it?

?Rock, Neil? I don?t know whether you looked at the planet before you took off, but it?s made of fucking rock!?

?But it?s Moon rock??

?Oh, fucking hell! This is Earth rock, Neil, come on! ( mocking ) Earth rock with special minerals. It?s rock, isn?t it? Have you heard? On the stock market, rock?s gone up three points! No, it hasn?t, has it? ?Cause it?s fucking rock! We wanted diamonds, or sherbet or a squirrel with a gun!?

So they went to the Moon and they found rock. They?ve found ice as well recently, so it?s rocks and ice. What an exciting planet! Obviously a party planet. And they went to mars and found more rock, but it?s red this time, so? We?ve got the most boring solar system I?ve ever heard of?! And I?ve never heard of any!

And no monsters, either! Not one fucking monster has turned up in the history of looking. ?Cause we?ve been ready for monsters, we?ve been waiting for them for so long! Pictures of monsters, stories of monsters, documentaries of monsters, films, programs, television things- not one fucking monster! Nothing, not even a squirrel with a flute has turned up. ( sings jaunty flute tune )

?Monster! Very small monster!?

?Get the flute off him, that?s where he gets his power!?

EDDIE IZZARD

I’m taking me flute to the dentist because it’s where I get MY power!

Har Har

I shall return with one less tooth – call me Snagglepuss!