…And all the lights are changing red to green
Moving through the crowd I’m pushing
Chemicals all rushing through my bloodstream
Only wish that you were here
You know I’m seeing it so clear
I’ve been afraid
To tell you how I really feel
Admit to some of those bad mistakes I’ve made
- Babylon / David Gray
I was contemplating those lyrics as I was driving to East Jesus MD for Dani’s bridal shower today. We had fun (despite no reindeer games). Her friends really had everything so nice … it was a nice time (despite being blown off by my FORMER best friend of 20 years ago who is now unfortunately married to Dani’s father (my aunt’s ex husband and the most major tool of the universe. Trust me on this). It just blew me away but I guess that’s what happens when you spend way too much time with (and are now married to) a mentally deranged person. And she was never on the best mental footing anyway, so it was bound to happen, yeah? As has been said about this particular man by someone who was also in on all the wheelings and deelings at the time: “The devil operates heavily in his sector”. Sums it all up, babies. So. very. money.
I was chastised by my cousin Mary (Queen of wedding protocol) for refusing to sign my name in the guestbook. How lame is it just to write your name? What’s the point, I ask you? Is it like an attendance sheet or something?? Considering I have been asked to do a reading from Paul’s (saint) letter to the Corinthians at the wedding (see below for why I think this is hilarious), I thought it would be highly amusing to sign it “Love and kisses, the Corinthians” – forever more I am sure Dani will know EXACTLY who that was! Tee hee. (Yes. really. I’m 12 – I’ve told you that before).
Next weekend is Twinnie Spring Break weekend!! I’m so excited!! It will be Taste of Clarendon, Manicure/pedicure, B&N lattes, ceramics and meeting all her friends! I will be thrilled to see her again … she’s looking quite spiffy these days. I will be sure to take a friggin camera so y’all can see the Twins!
Anyway … it’s bed time and I must depart.
I will leave you all with this Eddie bit for anyone who wonders where my name Jammy Dodger comes from (and I dedicate this to all pilots who deserve chocolate biscuits):
So I was in my aeroplane, in my small aeroplane, and the guy?s there, and we had drinks and light refreshments, once we got above the clouds. And the coffee comes back from the thermos, ?Oh, cheers! Here you go, mate?? and it goes back, and he had this wicker basket with biscuits in it- kind of digestive, not terribly interesting; so I take the best ones, and it goes back to the guy in the back, ?Oh, these are crap.? You know when you?re not hungry, but then you get offered a biscuit, you want something better than that. ?I didn?t want anything, but oh? what have you got? Oh??
So I?m nibbling my biscuits and drinking my coffee, and I notice, out of the corner of my eye, that the pilot reaches under his jacket, and pulls out chocolate biscuits! And in a flash, I realize he?s hidden them there; he?s taken them out of the wicker basket, and hidden them underneath! ?Cause I knew that, because that?s what I would have done? you know, when you have friends around, and you go, ?You want some biscuits? I?m just gonna get some biscuits.? And you?re off in the kitchen, and you go, ?I?ll just have one?? (mimes stuffing his face) Someone comes up,
?You want a hand??
(choking) ?Oh, no? I?m just letting this mouth run over my hands here??
So the pilot?s there, eating chocolate biscuits, and I?m going,
?Hey, chocolate biscuits! Hey! Digestive-crap biscuits!?
?Get off! I?m the pilot, you know? Stress? chocolate biscuits. What the hell!?
?No, customer! Customer?s always right! No digestive-crap biscuits!?
?Fuck off! Five years training for this, hard time! Chocolate biscuits! Perks of the trade!?
?Well, I don?t agree??
?Fucking? ? (sounds of aeroplane nose-diving)
?Hold on, hold on!?
?What were you saying about chocolate biscuits?!?
?No, fine, have the chocolate biscuits! I don?t care! I don?t care!?
(sound of plane resuming normal position) ?Chocolate biscuits??
20 minutes later, he reaches and pulls out Jammie Dodgers! ?Jammie Dodgers?? (sound of plane nose-diving and explosion) And we hit a mountain? and I died
Letters to the Corinthians
Also, back in Roman times, Pliny The Younger wrote letters. He was a letter-writer, it?s a great bloody profession, isn?t it? ?Oh, I?m gonna write some letters today? April 7th?? He?d just write postcards, (campy cockney) ??ello. Bye!? ?Cause people do write really crap postcards, you know. ?I?m here. You?re not. Bye!? Or you start getting interesting, just at the bottom of the postcard, and you start writing all along? (mimes writing on all sides)
Anyway, I don?t know that Pliny did postcards, but he wrote from Vesuvius; he was at Mt. Vesuvius when it erupted, on the West coast of Italy, back in 80 (mumbles) No, it was 80-79, right? So that?s kind of the time period, and he was there. ?Dear Father, I am here at Vesuvius, it is erupting as I speak. Fucking ?ell!!! Get me out of here!! The top?s come off the mountain! There?s stuff everywhere! (hysterical screaming) Send ships and big ships. Send fucking dogs? Get on to Mr. Dog, tell them to send people? Everything?s gorgeous. Got a great tan, even though we all have it ?cause we?re in Italy. Love and kisses, Pliny the Younger. P.S.: Nothing.? Yeah?
And St. Paul, he wrote letters, didn?t he? ?St. Paul?s Letter to the Corinthians.? Always writing to the Corinthians. ?St. Paul?s letter to the Corinthians ? Chapter 1 ? Verses 1 to 53. Dear Corinthians, as you can tell from my preamble, it?s gonna be quite a long letter. Here we go: Don?t do bad things, only do good things. Always treat your neighbour like someone who lives near to you. Never put a sock in a toaster. Never put jam on a magnet. Never throw your Granny in a bag. Never suck all the juice out of a vampire. Never lean over on Tuesday?? (takes drag out of joint) ?Lots of other things, but I gotta go and have a Mars bar now. Love, Paul (Saint).? (cracks up) Is that how he wrote his name? ?Paul (Saint). B.A. honours.? Yeah, so he wrote this ? ?All right, that?s the end of the letter?? (mimes folding the letter, putting it into an envelope and licking it close) ?The Corinthians? Corinth.? (mimes sending the letter out like a paper plane)
They must?ve been real fucked off over in Corinth, don?t you think? The postman going,
?Come on, one of you Corinthians, gotta take this letter.?
?Oh, fuck off! That?s from old moaning St. Paul, isn?t it? No? I don?t want it, I don?t want it!?
?You gotta take it. Come on, I gotta have a signature for it.?
?Oh, fuck off! It says ?the CorinthianS,? plural. Ask someone else. Oh, give it here. What does it say?? ?Don?t do this, don?t do that? Never put a sock in a toaster? Jam on a magnet?? Ooh, he?s lost his brain, ain?t he? Whose idea was it to be a pen-pal with St. Paul anyway? That fucking backfired, didn?t it? He?s supposed to stop doing it at about 15, he?s been doing it for years? Come on, Corinthians, come on, general meeting. We?re gonna write a letter back to him, stop all this rubbish.?
?The Corinthians? Letter Back to St. Paul – Chapter 1- Verses 1 to a million. More letters to follow. Tuesday 28th of something. Dear Paul (Saint, apparently), FUCK OFF! Just fu- who are you? Why do you keep sending these letters? You arrogant bastard, you send a letter to an entire city! What do you want us to do, put these up in a board or something? Just fuck off! You?re coming on like Alistair Cooke, for fuck?s sake! ?Never put a sock in a toaster,? what?s all that about? You daft git! Love and kisses, the Corinthians. Kiss, kiss ? Steve Corinthian, Fred Corinthian, George Corinthian?? (mimes folding letter and sealing it in an envelope) ?There we go ? St. Paul? Outside Corinth? (sends letter as paper plane)
