TT the ninth – Jobs for which I ain’t qualified!

First, props and thanks to the darling Wrigley for her sweet comment on my last post. She said ” … and by the way, your TT’s are always something i look forward to in the blogroll. You are a girl with great ideas. Can’t wait for thursday!” But yowza … talk about pressure! :) No worries – all kinds of goofy ideas are rolling around in this head!

Second, if you are kind enough to comment, please click on the word HEARTS underneath the title of this entry. Last week, I noticed some people were commenting and it was being attached to the post below this and I didn’t know you had commented until much later! And I’m getting to be a comment whore and want to see them all right now! hehe I’m a dork.

On with the show!

Forthwith I present: Jobs for which I really (and I mean REALLY) ain’t qualified!

1. Math Teacher – I won’t lie. I never got beyond HS geometry and that by the skin of my (friend Linda’s) teeth. We cheated our ass off but I didn’t want to get an F. So, I settled for a very high D (like a C-). Therefore, take me beyond simple addition, subtraction, multiplication and division (with a calculator, please) and I am lost. You know those SAT questions about two trains leaving at the same time from different destinations and who gets there first? Messes my head up something bad! You don’t want me trying to teach anything having to do with logic to your child. Trust me.

2. Professional cyclist – I get bored easily and even though I like riding down the street on my bike once in a while, long hours of slogging through the rain and heat? Umm. No. Mr. Armstrong can keep his crown (and tights).

3. Airplane pilot – I think you have to be really good at spatial things and keeping calm when the plane wing is falling off. Even though I’m reasonably calm in a crisis, knowing that the lives of lots of others depends on me doing the right thing? Too much responsibility for this girly. I know someone who is a commercial pilot and he is unflappable. I think I flapped him only once and even then he didn’t wig out … he just got deadly calm. (On a humorous note, he did laugh at me when I asked if there was a key that started the plane. He said “yeah, I keep it in my pocket on a rabbit’s foot keychain!”)

4. Flower arranger – I’m a “big picture” kind of person. I can look at a floral arrangement and think “oh, how lovely” but I’ll be damned if I can figure out how it got that way. I would just shove all different kinds of flowers in a vase and send it out to someone (who will call and ask if someone was working in the dark when they put it together!). I would be so so so bad at this.

5. CIA Agent – I cannot keep a straight face if it kills me (and being in the CIA, the lack of ability to do that just might!) and am not a very good liar. Well, I might be if the other person isn’t paying much attention to what I’m saying. But again, if people’s lives are hinging on my lying abilities, buy the burial plots now. Just sayin’.

6. Road Kill picker-upper (and may I saw EWWW!) – I have a really soft spot for animals (even mean, growly ones) and not only would it break my heart to see them all smooshed up on the road, but it would gross me the hell out! Those people who do that must have very strong stomachs and hard hearts to be able to do that work. Not me. I would be crying and barfing all day. And I don’t know about you, but I can do that at my house, you know? No need to be in public doing that.

7. Lawyer – now this is interesting to me because at one time in my life, I aspired to be a lawyer. No idea why but it seemed cool at the time. (Un)fortunately, however, my inner Libra came out and I now tend to see both sides of an argument. How could I possibly make a convincing case for one side if both sides are plausible to me? Yes, I could do it, I suppose but I wouldn’t have my heart in it and that’s no fun. Plus, I don’t really like to argue. And I would be forced to call out that judge who was getting busy with his penis pump because that’s just too damn funny!

8. Kathy Griffin‘s personal assistant – I loves me some Kathy! Oh yes. But I am a very poor “at your beck and call” kind of person. See, I get all huffy and indignant when I’m ordered around which in turn leads me to get very, very snarky. And mix that snarky side with an edgy gay man and I am trouble with a capital T! That reminds me of my early BBS days and my friend “Azrael” – yeah, I got myself into some trouble there and he just egged my ass on. We had fun but it was not fun of a “higher self” nature. Anyway, no. I cannot be someone’s arms, legs or any other appendage and keep my sanity.

9. Presidential Press Secretary – oh hells no. You think Scotty McClellan was suckassy? Regardless of what person is in the White House, but most especially with this one, I’d have to lie my ass off. And, as mentioned in job #5, I really don’t do that too well. Cripes, Helen Thomas would make mincemeat of me and that would bring on the crying (and very possibly barfing). And you have to say the most ridiculous bullshit with a straight face as if you actually believe it! I’m pretty sure that this job entails selling your soul to someone and I am loath to do that, beings as I am an amazing being of light and love and crap like that.

10. Fire(wo)man – I think I am seeing a pattern here. Any job where I am responsible for someone’s life is NOT a job for me. Hmmm. I think I could do the “hanging around the fire station eating food and playing cards” part and maybe I could learn how to drive the fire engine with a lot of practice (and meds) but go into a burning building? That’s where I must draw the line. And I think that’s a requisite of the job. So, nope. You will not be seeing FireChick Lisa any time soon. (Plus, I look dorky in hats.)

11. Cruise Director – who remembers “Julie McCoy – your Cruise Director” from the fabulous(ly bad) “Love Boat”? I think I’m the only one. A cruise director helps visitors feel at home, hooks up people who might need a table partner and generally meddles in the affairs of others while on board ship. Probably has its benefits (free travels, food and Captain Stubing) but then there are the drawbacks, too (people you’re being paid to talk with, inane conversations and, of course, Captain Stubing). I hate having to be all chipper and happy when I’m feeling growly. And inane conversation really annoys me to death. I suspect I’d be booted off that boat somewhere near “Whatthefuck-istan” (where they don’t even have an ocean!) before you can say “Lauren Tewes”.

12. Mime – I’m Italian. I live to talk and while I am most expressive in the use of my face and hands, if I didn’t have the ability to use words, I’d be a shell of my (former) self. Mime is only good if you are Eddie Izzard and are showing us what birds do when they are flying on planes. (That one’s for you, La)

and finally (TA-DA!)

13. Bee Keeper – you really gotta wanna keep bees (to quote the aforementioned Eddie). And I have that cool extra-sensory hearing (they called me “antenna ears” on the bus in grade school, ya know) and all that buzzing would drive me insane(r). So, no. I don’t fancy keeping bees. And I bet they don’t really wanna keep me either!

Extra credit: Name one job you could never have and WHY and the best one wins a prize! (Not saying what it is because I don’t know yet!) Just swing with it, okay?