First, props and thanks to the darling Wrigley for her sweet comment on my last post. She said ” … and by the way, your TT’s are always something i look forward to in the blogroll. You are a girl with great ideas. Can’t wait for thursday!” But yowza … talk about pressure! :) No worries – all kinds of goofy ideas are rolling around in this head!
Second, if you are kind enough to comment, please click on the word HEARTS underneath the title of this entry. Last week, I noticed some people were commenting and it was being attached to the post below this and I didn’t know you had commented until much later! And I’m getting to be a comment whore and want to see them all right now! hehe I’m a dork.
On with the show!
Forthwith I present: Jobs for which I really (and I mean REALLY) ain’t qualified!
1. Math Teacher – I won’t lie. I never got beyond HS geometry and that by the skin of my (friend Linda’s) teeth. We cheated our ass off but I didn’t want to get an F. So, I settled for a very high D (like a C-). Therefore, take me beyond simple addition, subtraction, multiplication and division (with a calculator, please) and I am lost. You know those SAT questions about two trains leaving at the same time from different destinations and who gets there first? Messes my head up something bad! You don’t want me trying to teach anything having to do with logic to your child. Trust me.
2. Professional cyclist – I get bored easily and even though I like riding down the street on my bike once in a while, long hours of slogging through the rain and heat? Umm. No. Mr. Armstrong can keep his crown (and tights).
3. Airplane pilot – I think you have to be really good at spatial things and keeping calm when the plane wing is falling off. Even though I’m reasonably calm in a crisis, knowing that the lives of lots of others depends on me doing the right thing? Too much responsibility for this girly. I know someone who is a commercial pilot and he is unflappable. I think I flapped him only once and even then he didn’t wig out … he just got deadly calm. (On a humorous note, he did laugh at me when I asked if there was a key that started the plane. He said “yeah, I keep it in my pocket on a rabbit’s foot keychain!”)
4. Flower arranger – I’m a “big picture” kind of person. I can look at a floral arrangement and think “oh, how lovely” but I’ll be damned if I can figure out how it got that way. I would just shove all different kinds of flowers in a vase and send it out to someone (who will call and ask if someone was working in the dark when they put it together!). I would be so so so bad at this.
5. CIA Agent – I cannot keep a straight face if it kills me (and being in the CIA, the lack of ability to do that just might!) and am not a very good liar. Well, I might be if the other person isn’t paying much attention to what I’m saying. But again, if people’s lives are hinging on my lying abilities, buy the burial plots now. Just sayin’.
6. Road Kill picker-upper (and may I saw EWWW!) – I have a really soft spot for animals (even mean, growly ones) and not only would it break my heart to see them all smooshed up on the road, but it would gross me the hell out! Those people who do that must have very strong stomachs and hard hearts to be able to do that work. Not me. I would be crying and barfing all day. And I don’t know about you, but I can do that at my house, you know? No need to be in public doing that.
7. Lawyer – now this is interesting to me because at one time in my life, I aspired to be a lawyer. No idea why but it seemed cool at the time. (Un)fortunately, however, my inner Libra came out and I now tend to see both sides of an argument. How could I possibly make a convincing case for one side if both sides are plausible to me? Yes, I could do it, I suppose but I wouldn’t have my heart in it and that’s no fun. Plus, I don’t really like to argue. And I would be forced to call out that judge who was getting busy with his penis pump because that’s just too damn funny!
8. Kathy Griffin‘s personal assistant – I loves me some Kathy! Oh yes. But I am a very poor “at your beck and call” kind of person. See, I get all huffy and indignant when I’m ordered around which in turn leads me to get very, very snarky. And mix that snarky side with an edgy gay man and I am trouble with a capital T! That reminds me of my early BBS days and my friend “Azrael” – yeah, I got myself into some trouble there and he just egged my ass on. We had fun but it was not fun of a “higher self” nature. Anyway, no. I cannot be someone’s arms, legs or any other appendage and keep my sanity.
9. Presidential Press Secretary – oh hells no. You think Scotty McClellan was suckassy? Regardless of what person is in the White House, but most especially with this one, I’d have to lie my ass off. And, as mentioned in job #5, I really don’t do that too well. Cripes, Helen Thomas would make mincemeat of me and that would bring on the crying (and very possibly barfing). And you have to say the most ridiculous bullshit with a straight face as if you actually believe it! I’m pretty sure that this job entails selling your soul to someone and I am loath to do that, beings as I am an amazing being of light and love and crap like that.
10. Fire(wo)man – I think I am seeing a pattern here. Any job where I am responsible for someone’s life is NOT a job for me. Hmmm. I think I could do the “hanging around the fire station eating food and playing cards” part and maybe I could learn how to drive the fire engine with a lot of practice (and meds) but go into a burning building? That’s where I must draw the line. And I think that’s a requisite of the job. So, nope. You will not be seeing FireChick Lisa any time soon. (Plus, I look dorky in hats.)
11. Cruise Director – who remembers “Julie McCoy – your Cruise Director” from the fabulous(ly bad) “Love Boat”? I think I’m the only one. A cruise director helps visitors feel at home, hooks up people who might need a table partner and generally meddles in the affairs of others while on board ship. Probably has its benefits (free travels, food and Captain Stubing) but then there are the drawbacks, too (people you’re being paid to talk with, inane conversations and, of course, Captain Stubing). I hate having to be all chipper and happy when I’m feeling growly. And inane conversation really annoys me to death. I suspect I’d be booted off that boat somewhere near “Whatthefuck-istan” (where they don’t even have an ocean!) before you can say “Lauren Tewes”.
12. Mime – I’m Italian. I live to talk and while I am most expressive in the use of my face and hands, if I didn’t have the ability to use words, I’d be a shell of my (former) self. Mime is only good if you are Eddie Izzard and are showing us what birds do when they are flying on planes. (That one’s for you, La)
and finally (TA-DA!)
13. Bee Keeper – you really gotta wanna keep bees (to quote the aforementioned Eddie). And I have that cool extra-sensory hearing (they called me “antenna ears” on the bus in grade school, ya know) and all that buzzing would drive me insane(r). So, no. I don’t fancy keeping bees. And I bet they don’t really wanna keep me either!
Extra credit: Name one job you could never have and WHY and the best one wins a prize! (Not saying what it is because I don’t know yet!) Just swing with it, okay?
The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!
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Job I could never have:
Mountain Climber – because I really don’t care what’s at the top and “because it’s there” isn’t enough to motivate me!
Great list. I love Eddie Izzard.
#1 – thanks for stopping by my 13!
#2. I can see why everyone loves your 13’s so much. I spit coke out my nose…twice!
Your list is hilarious! Too funny! I wouldn’t want any job that had to do with cleaning up after animals, like a zoo keeper! Yuck! I don’t mind taking care of my pets, but that’s a little much!
Have a great Thursday!
Great lists – too funny. I might like to be a flower arranger though…
I could not be a kindergarten teacher as I believe all children that age should be hugged and cuddled some and well I would end up in jial just like that in todays world-sad.
LOL Great T13! I could not be one of those people who cleans those portable toilets. Yuck. I see the trucks all the time around here packing them. I just can’t image pumping that..er..yuck. What a crappy job. Literally!
The job I could never have is the job of being someone’s mother. It’s not because my husband is fixed, but because I am pretty sure I’d wind up eatin my young. I have no maternal inklings in my body or blood.
I enjoy your list of jobs. I totally relate to math teacher. I rely on calculators. Great TT list!
Ok, I definantly could not be in the medical profession. Blood Guts, NEEDLES! NOT FOR ME!
Wrongblog’s TT is up! Erica Wrote this Week!
*hehehe* I’m not qualified for any of those jobs either except maybe the Mime since I’m such a quiet person. Thanks for the visit. Have a wonderful Thursday…
I could do most of them.. in facted when younger I WANTED to do some of them..thikn I’m a dork LOL
Great TT :)
Great list! I don’t think I could ever be a Rockette! Although I may have the legs for it, I don’t have that fake tooty grin! Plus, who;d want that job – they don’t get healthcare or maternity leave!
Artist because I REALLY can not draw a straight line!
Stock broker, because, whats the point? I need some satisfaction from my work!
my TT is up
I had to write this comment 4 times cos my youngest kept deleting it! KIDS!!!!
Great list! I laughed so much I almost spewed cawfee on the computer!! I have already worked for a florist (wwwaaaayy to temperamental) and anything in the the face-to-face service industry would require far more niceness than I posses. But I could never ever be a spelling/grammar (I had to look up grammar) teacher. I can’t spell. I spell it like it sounds. There is a dictionary by every computer. I would die without spellcheck. I have stumped spellcheck. I have misspelled words so badly I can’t find them in the dictionary. My 12 year old spells better than me and won’t ask me to help him get ready for weekly spelling tests. It is pathetic. I don’t know the difference between insure and ensure. I never know where the damn ‘ goes.
Hmmm . . . I don’t think I could be a synchronized swimmer because I can’t swim. I know it’s lame but that the best I can do at the moment.
OH.MY.GOD. I am laughing so hard, I can hardly type. I am reading these aloud to my husband and he’s going “YEP! That’s MY BABY!!” We are TOO MUCH alike.
Florist ~ hellyeah. Difference is, I’d just throw them all in a bunch and call it creative and charge like $150 for it!
CIA agent – um yeah. they would just have to LOOK AT ME WRONG and I would spill the nations’ secrets.
Lawyer – god, what would you do if you were defending your client, and you realized the other side was right? man. can you just quit mid-trial? And I’m so gullible…I’d believe everyone!!
I don’t know what I wouldn’t do…but I’m agreeing with gyno above. Ewwwwwwww. Stinky hoo-hoos. Ewwwwwwwwww.
I lvoe your blog. I’m blogrolling ya!
LOL! Great T-13!
This WAS just too funny! I’m with you on most of those jobs…just couldn’t do em to save my own self! And the comment above….Coc Doc? Oh My Gosh! lol Job I couldn’t do? Surgeons that do Hemoroidectomies….believe me when I say, not pretty, not fun, (I’ve had one…ewwww and ouch are only putting it very mildly!!) and someone’s butt hole should just be off limits to society in general. But then again, where would I be without that man that literally saved my butt? lol
Ok, I’m just ROTFL at hoo-hoo’s!!
That was too funny! I’m with you on the Math Teacher; I do not know how I am going to manage to help the kids as they get further in school.
I’m holding my sides, they hurt too much from laughing. Flower arrangement really had me going good.
As for a job I could not or would not do – A Gynocologist.
Granted, I should be used to hoo-hoo’s – I have one of my own. Exams are one thing but those with hoo hoo’s needing to see a Doctor, I ain’t making no house calls. On that note I couldn’t be a Coc-Doc either, I’d laugh at half of my patients.
What a great idea for a TT! Too funny ;).