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TT #698: So you wanna be Italian, do ya?

January 3, 2007 Written by Lisa
Let me tell you 13 Things you need to know if you want to be a real Italian

I have been gifted with an already written 13 this week! Cousin ‘O Flair and MY Godmommy of Love collaborated on the 13 things you need to know to join an Italian family. It came about because Godmommy was listing them for PiK so she’d know the challenge ahead of her. (She’s up to it, trust me!) And ‘lo and behold, a 13 was born.

Without further ado, I present:


13 Things you need to know if you want to be a real Italian by Cousin ‘O Flair and Godmommy of Love

1. You need to know how to dish out the guilt and not feel guilty doing it. “No dear, it’s okay if you (insert activity of choice). I don’t mind…really.” Sighing is necessary as you say this or it won’t be effective.

2. You need to know how to “play the martyr.” as in “I don’t mind if you insert the activity of choice because I will just sit here and wait for you. That is what my life is about…serving you.” Joan of Arc has NOTHING on an Italian mother! (This could also be confused with #1 but alas, they ARE different)

3. You need to talk loud, LOUD, LOUD, LOUD all the time. There is NO ROOM for low talkers in the Italian family.

4. You need to laugh, talk, interrupt, and hold 5 different conversations at the same time. Remember…you never really listen to anyone anyway because you are the only one that matters and has ANYTHING of any importance to say…duh!!!!

5. You need to “top” any ailment that anyone else has. Yours is always bigger and much worse than theirs. “You think you have a pain in your back, let me tell you I have a pain in my back since Nixon was in office and it goes down my butt to my knees and makes my toes curl up like the Wicked Witch who had that house fall on her and of course since Nixon was in office I not only had a pain in my back but in my neck too and then that pain went up to my head until I thought it would explode….”

6. You need to push food, food, and more food onto every person that steps through your door. Any food will do. “Here, have some liver and onions. It’s good for you… mange, mange.” By the way, you CAN NOT be skinny and be Italian so size 2 need not apply!! (Oops, PiK is a size zero. We plan to get her up to a 2 at least! hahah)

7. You need to give everybody a nickname…EVERYBODY! Examples include Joey Peanut, Bobby Bananas, Rosie O’Grady, Big Moe, Pineapple Juice. Watching any type of Italian mob movie will assist in coming up with nicknames.

8. You need to “hand talk”… not to be confused with “jive talk.” Yes, it is true that if you hold an Italian’s hands they can’t talk…really!

9. You need to have pasta every Sunday. It doesn’t matter what kind of pasta meal it is…it just needs to be pasta. Okay, here’s the deal, you can’t be on a carb restricted diet and be an Italian. The two just don’t go together.

10. You need to use the Italian version of discipline that consists of slapping behind the head, a stern look with flared nostrils or just an old fashioned tongue lashing in Italian. Ya know, I think this version of discipline is used in a lot of nationalities.

11. You need to have plastic on all of the furniture that sounds as though you are passing gas every time you move. Why Italians do this (the plastic on the furniture not the passing gas…I KNOW why they do that!!!) I don’t know.

12. You need to fear AND revere the Italian mother at all times! Need I say more?

13. You need to be able to watch the Sopranos and say, “HEY, THEY STOLE THAT FROM OUR FAMILY. CALL UNCLE TONY, AUNT CARMILLA, AUNT JANICE, GREAT UNCLE JUNE AND GET OUR LAWYER TO SUE THEIR ITALIAN BUTTS !!! IT’S NOW ON A&E AND WE CAN STAND TO MAKE A LOT OF CABBAGE!”

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25 Comments

  1. Margie Margie
    January 6, 2007    

    Too cool. I grew up in an Italian community where everyones had a nickname and their last name ended in a vowel. And the sense of family and community was so big – I never, ever felt like the minority there. In fact, I’m proud of my Italian roots although there isn’t a speck of Italian in me. Well – maybe all the gravy effected my blood to some degree.

  2. nancy nancy
    January 5, 2007    

    This is good. DId you know my MIL is full Sicilian? My dh is half Sicilian and half Irish.

    MY MIL barely acknowledges her heritage. She says she is American.

    Happy Friday!

  3. Cousin 'O Flair Cousin 'O Flair
    January 4, 2007    

    Thanks for the great response on my first 13!!!! It was so much fun…I think I a hooked =)

  4. Mrs Lifecruiser Mrs Lifecruiser
    January 4, 2007    

    Sometimes I wished I belonged to an Italian family – especially reading that #6 – I ADORE that one since I’m a hungry monster ;-)

  5. my 2 cents my 2 cents
    January 4, 2007    

    Numbers 3 and 4 sound just like my family… though we’re Russian, not Italian.

    A great list! Your family sounds like alot of fun!!

  6. N. Mallory N. Mallory
    January 4, 2007    

    Thanks for cheering me up. :)

    Happy TT!

  7. Laquet Laquet
    January 4, 2007    

    How about the talking with the hands? Did you mention that or were you using them to type? I’ll accept that excuse just this once :o)

    My TT, which is more French than Italian is up

  8. carmen carmen
    January 4, 2007    

    i think I may already BE Italian! ha ha

  9. Sparky Duck Sparky Duck
    January 4, 2007    

    Mrs Duck does alot of these, though since she is only half italian, she will have to work more on the others, like topping an ailment and watching the Sopranos

  10. Sophisticated Writer Sophisticated Writer
    January 4, 2007    

    OMG! That’s so hilarious… All of a sudden, I feel inside the movie “Godfather”. Great TT! Come read mine :)

  11. Cheryl Cheryl
    January 4, 2007    

    I could never be Italian then except for the pasta part. One can never eat too much pasta. I’m definitely not a loud talker.

  12. Dolores Dolores
    January 4, 2007    

    WHAt? You only ate ONE pound of my ravioli? You don’t LIKE it?

    Thanks for a list that made me laugh to tears!

  13. incog incog
    January 4, 2007    

    Not Italian, but guilty of the hand talk thing!!

  14. Gina Gina
    January 3, 2007    

    I HEAR YOU!!! Tell me about it. I married into an Italian family & I swear, you must be talking about them. LOL! Funny T13!
    My #6 is up..Do come by =)

  15. Mikala Mikala
    January 3, 2007    

    That was too cute – I loved it!

    Happy TT and I’m up!

  16. Michelle Michelle
    January 3, 2007    

    I never knew my family had Italian tendencies. It’s never quiet when we get together.

  17. rashenbo rashenbo
    January 3, 2007    

    Great list! I loved reading it… I think #5 got the biggest chuckle out of me. I think I know a few Italians :D

  18. Janet Janet
    January 3, 2007    

    My Nana must’ve been part Italian; she had #s 1 & 2 down pat!

  19. Raggedy Raggedy
    January 3, 2007    

    lol
    Great list!
    Mine is up too!
    Happy Thursday!
    I think I will go eat some pasta now…tee hee

  20. sobeit sobeit
    January 3, 2007    

    Great list…although talking loud runs in my family too….or either it’s that their going deaf!!! lol Happy TT!

  21. goofy girl goofy girl
    January 3, 2007    

    Hahha I love you list. I think some of the characteristic my family could def be even though we aren’t Italian! Esp the guilt ones!! (I’m not up yet, searching around for TT ideas!)

  22. Kay Kay
    January 3, 2007    

    Save for 9, 11, and 13 … I am all that! I could be Italian and have been told that fixed in a certain way, could pass for one!

    This was fun to read! thanks!

    Mine’s up as well! Do drop by!

  23. Susan Helene Gottfried Susan Helene Gottfried
    January 3, 2007    

    The first six describe my non-Italian family perfectly. Maybe my family’s actually Italian?

    Happy TT!

  24. Chelle Chelle
    January 3, 2007    

    Wow, I need to get some of that Italian spirit in my blood. Do you think if I eat enough pasta I will get some? :)

    http://www.chelleyoung.com/index.php/archive/thursday-thirteen-42-thirteen-things-i-would-like-to-accomplish-in-2007/

  25. crse crse
    January 3, 2007    

    At first I was thinking, Oh my gosh, Lisa is so early! Then I was thinking. Crap! Its wednesday night and I have no ideas for a tt…..but this is a good one. But Im not Italian and if I was, you came up with way more than i could have!

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