TT #698: So you wanna be Italian, do ya?

I have been gifted with an already written 13 this week! Cousin ‘O Flair and MY Godmommy of Love collaborated on the 13 things you need to know to join an Italian family. It came about because Godmommy was listing them for PiK so she’d know the challenge ahead of her. (She’s up to it, trust me!) And ‘lo and behold, a 13 was born.

Without further ado, I present:

1. You need to know how to dish out the guilt and not feel guilty doing it. “No dear, it’s okay if you (insert activity of choice). I don’t mind…really.” Sighing is necessary as you say this or it won’t be effective.

2. You need to know how to “play the martyr.” as in “I don’t mind if you insert the activity of choice because I will just sit here and wait for you. That is what my life is about…serving you.” Joan of Arc has NOTHING on an Italian mother! (This could also be confused with #1 but alas, they ARE different)

3. You need to talk loud, LOUD, LOUD, LOUD all the time. There is NO ROOM for low talkers in the Italian family.

4. You need to laugh, talk, interrupt, and hold 5 different conversations at the same time. Remember…you never really listen to anyone anyway because you are the only one that matters and has ANYTHING of any importance to say…duh!!!!

5. You need to “top” any ailment that anyone else has. Yours is always bigger and much worse than theirs. “You think you have a pain in your back, let me tell you I have a pain in my back since Nixon was in office and it goes down my butt to my knees and makes my toes curl up like the Wicked Witch who had that house fall on her and of course since Nixon was in office I not only had a pain in my back but in my neck too and then that pain went up to my head until I thought it would explode….”

6. You need to push food, food, and more food onto every person that steps through your door. Any food will do. “Here, have some liver and onions. It’s good for you… mange, mange.” By the way, you CAN NOT be skinny and be Italian so size 2 need not apply!! (Oops, PiK is a size zero. We plan to get her up to a 2 at least! hahah)

7. You need to give everybody a nickname…EVERYBODY! Examples include Joey Peanut, Bobby Bananas, Rosie O’Grady, Big Moe, Pineapple Juice. Watching any type of Italian mob movie will assist in coming up with nicknames.

8. You need to “hand talk”… not to be confused with “jive talk.” Yes, it is true that if you hold an Italian’s hands they can’t talk…really!

9. You need to have pasta every Sunday. It doesn’t matter what kind of pasta meal it is…it just needs to be pasta. Okay, here’s the deal, you can’t be on a carb restricted diet and be an Italian. The two just don’t go together.

10. You need to use the Italian version of discipline that consists of slapping behind the head, a stern look with flared nostrils or just an old fashioned tongue lashing in Italian. Ya know, I think this version of discipline is used in a lot of nationalities.

11. You need to have plastic on all of the furniture that sounds as though you are passing gas every time you move. Why Italians do this (the plastic on the furniture not the passing gas…I KNOW why they do that!!!) I don’t know.

12. You need to fear AND revere the Italian mother at all times! Need I say more?

13. You need to be able to watch the Sopranos and say, “HEY, THEY STOLE THAT FROM OUR FAMILY. CALL UNCLE TONY, AUNT CARMILLA, AUNT JANICE, GREAT UNCLE JUNE AND GET OUR LAWYER TO SUE THEIR ITALIAN BUTTS !!! IT’S NOW ON A&E AND WE CAN STAND TO MAKE A LOT OF CABBAGE!”