(stolen from Ben Gleib but with love)

13. Challenge Lance Armstrong to a bicycle race.

12. Three years straight vacation time at Crawford. (Which will involve chopping down trees and killing animals. It’s how he relaxes.)

11. Restart Enron.

10. Finally take those English classes he’s been putting off.

9. Coaching a peewee football team. (He will not provide them with enough pads or equipment, and will have no game plan. But, down 57-0 at the half, will give a stirring speech about how well it’s going.)

8. He will pen a best selling memoir of his time in office, called “Presidency for Dummies.”

7. Will also create series of children’s books where out of a large crowd you try and find the evil terrorist, called “Where’s Osama?” (Sadly this will be his new idea for how we should actually capture him.)

6. Join OJ on his search for the real killers.

5. New S&M game where he gets turned on by water boarding Laura.

4. Even though he has no personal interest anymore, rig elections just for the hell of it.

3. Run whatever else he touches right into the ground.

2. Illegally eavesdrop on his neighbors, this time with nothing more than his ear, a glass, and his never-ending desire to ignore people’s civil liberties.

1. Choke on some more pretzels.