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MELTDOWNS R US
“I can feel it the air tonight – hold on ….”
I don’t know WTF was in the air yesterday but I was a big old mess at work. Despite hating my job and the financial services field in general, I do actually have high expectations for myself. Asking for help is a bit difficult because I somehow expect that I should know how to do all this despite my own job being vastly different than that of a Client Associate. That’s where the fun starts.
When I accepted this challenge of working with this broker in the interim, I was told that all I had to do was ask for help and it would be there. Yeah, not so much. I have two main people that I am to go to as backup – one took off Monday for an impromptu trip to Indiana to see a basketball game and will be back whenever and the other (her backup) told me she was swamped and couldn’t help.
And that’s when the meltdown happened. I’m pretty sure it was an amalgam of other things but it all hit me and I felt like I had been thrown to the wolves. (How dramatic, yes?) And you can’t just cry silently to yourself when you sit in a big windowed cage-like area in the front of the office. I do know I’m loved there, though, by the number of my co-workers coming up and asking me what was wrong. Sweet and yet that made me cry that much more. What a blithering mess I was. Gah.
It all got straightened out, I asked again for help and got it, things were fine. But all day I was on the edge of tears (okay, yes. I fell off that edge elebenty times, so what?) and even at night. I met Duty for dinner out (since he leaves for a foreign land on Friday) and when I got home, I got in my pajamas and went to bed. Slept for an hour and a half – got up, drank coffee, surfed and went back to bed.
Not sure what was up with all that – talked to my coach and she said that there was something energetically going on because she felt it (and hid in a movie theatre) and the clients she talked to also were struggling in the same way.
I feel better today -more centered and just basically okay. Also too: the broker for whom I’m working sent me *the nicest* email about it all and said “You are saving me and I’m blessed that you agreed to do this.” (tears up again just thinking of it)
What have we learned?
* meltdowns in public are hard (oh hai Britney Spears, Charlie Sheen et. al.)
* Ask ask ask for help
* It’s always darkest before dawn
* Overwhelm comes easily and fast to me – I have to remember that I only can do what I can do and if it’s not perfect, so be it.
Off for another day with hopefully time and space to do my work and no tears. When am I able to quit again??
(PS: This whole blog needs updating – I can’t figure out what’s going on with the title of the posts anymore. FEH)
It sounds like you handled it as well as can be expected, and that your efforts are appreciated. That's a lot, you know. One of the tougher things for me to accept is that, as my shrink reminds me, "Sad is part of life." Everything can't/won't go well for all of us, no matter how much we may try to make it so. I'm just glad you're feeling more centered now that it's over.
My recent post I Want Wednesday
Honey bunny….remember how you were wondering what "empowerment" looks like? Remember that "dissonance" thing, except that right before you can get there, things get all shitty and disempowering???? Yeah….that's right, you're shaking it up to get to the next level. Yay!!! Hang in there, you are riding the wave up to "empowerment".
My recent post Empaths R Us – Are you the Deanna Troi on your ship
Happened to me last night — very peculiar irritability and strangeness. I'm not kidding. Extremely unlike me….perhaps there really is something going on?