As a student of human behavior, I’ve long found interesting fodder in personal ads. How people choose to present themselves always fascinated me. Some took great care with word choice and whatnot while others just threw out “hey, I’m bored. Wanna talk?” sorts of ads. Even minus my stellar skills of reading the energy underneath the words, I could tell a lot about the person behind the ad.
My fun pastime when I get bored at ye olde Casa de Snarkypantaloons is perusing the ads on Craigslist. Yes, I said it. I peruse personal ads on Craigslist. Purely as scientific research, mind.
I get about ten ads in before I want to cry and/or hang myself with Brogan’s leash right here in the living room.
Why?
There are some seriously pitiful-ass ads out there and it wounds me to see it. (I know I’m weird. Let’s just assume that and move on, shall we?)
And I think “What is wrong with your lazy ass to write this kind of shit?” (Harsh, I know.)
They don’t care. They really don’t. (This I know, too.)
Still.
(These are all from today’s Craigslist (DC version) in the platonic/just friends section (FYI))
Looky here:
I am writing to all the women on Cl that’s reading this post. I need someone to talk with over e-maiI that knows how to be a friend and I never cross that friendship line because it’s not worth the hatred, bitterness, and ugliness that’s associated with messing up that partnership. I have great friendships that is long distance from me, but I need a few that’s closer to me, so will you be my friend!
Let’s put aside that English might not be his first language – I’ll cut him some slack there.
So, this thing reeks of “Yep, I’ve had some serious bullshit go down lately”, doesn’t it? Been there, done that. Wonder why that’s what he chooses to put out there so it’s pretty much the first thing you know about him. Also, what qualities (besides never crossing that line between friendship and more-than) does he bring to the table? Why would anyone want to be his friend?
Gal will back me up on this – you’ve got to list benefits, benefits, benefits if you’re seeking to motivate someone into action. Try as I might, this man has given me (admittedly not his ideal audience although I am a woman and I am reading the post so … maybe I am?) zero reasons to reply to his ad. This earns him one out of ten possible SnarkyStars and don’t ask me what the one star was for (pity).
Next up:
Well it’s a boring day at work there really isn’t much going on. I’m really just wondering if anyone would like to chat for a bit and help kill the boredom.
and this one from a different guy: I’m very unmotivated today. I want to do anything except work. How about you? Let’s waste some company time together. I’m 26 SWM if it matters to you…
I’ll give both of them a couple points for honesty and that’s all. If it’s such a boring day at work, couldn’t they have put more effort into this posting? This, my friends, tells you everything you need to know about how they will be as a chat pal. You’ll likely get one liners and not much else. Barely two SnarkyStars here.
And your point is?
Just curious if there are any women out there who are in a stale relationships where you are just bored
No. The answer is no. There are literally NO women out there in stale, boring relationships. (Rolls eyes) Dude, come on! Say what you mean, already. We know what you want. Own it. Zero SnarkyStars to you.
Getting better (it’s all relative with the previous ones being the very low end of the bar):
Good morning, I am a SWM 28 years old. Anyone up early and feel like chatting? Would love to meet someone new to chat with. Who knows, if we get along maybe we can grab some breakfast. Look forward to hearing from you. Happy Tuesday!
Better because at least this one sounds awake and alive! He greets you with a lovely Good morning and wishes you a happy day. This bodes well for his manners. He seems peppy or very highly caffeinated. Either way, I’ll give him five SnarkyStars for being sentient and showing it.
Better still and almost there
Decided I should start earlier rather than later on this – I’m looking for a nice girl interested in going out on Valentine’s Day. Can’t remember the last time I had a V-Day date, and have usually been out of the country or single over this holiday. I’m late 20s, single (obviously), white male, pretty fit and fairly good looking haha, brown hair, green eyes, well read, graduate degree, sarcastically funny, and am a military officer. If you’re interested, send back an email telling me about yourself. And don’t worry, I’ll pay for dinner
Now, here’s a more than halfway decent ad, in my opinion. Why? He seems affable, states what he’s looking for, give some details about looks and interests, has a sense of humor and is a gentleman, making clear he’s springing for dinner. (I would have guessed military by the demeanor.) Very nice. I give this one eight and a half SnarkyStars just because I’m partial to nice military men.
In summary
Dudes! You have got to do better than this slop. Here’s the trick – ask for what you want (no BS circumspect questions about lonely and bored status), let us know what you’re offering (breakfast and a chipper attitude is a nice start) and add more than ten words so we know you’re alive and breathing and not bored to tears in a place where you’re paid to be otherwise.
(I was going to write that I was less depressed today but thought you’d rather have this. Enjoy!)
