Well, not really. But sorta kinda.
After spending the better part of thirty years at a desk answering phones, working on account transfers, searching for the one penny your account seems to be missing (oh hai, rounding error!), I’ve become so accustomed to working that way that it’s difficult to really focus when I’m at home.
This week I’ve had terrific difficulty getting organized and moving. I know this is a constant whine from these parts and I’m sorry for number 3,934 in that series. It’s okay if you want to skip this post (and the ten likely to follow) because I know it’s boring. #firstworldproblems
I am not now nor have I ever been someone with enormous discipline and will. Considering all I’ve managed to get done as that person, I’m amazed. I also wonder what I could accomplish if I did choose discipline.
It’s always a choice and I can make it for a short time (12 days straight on the Master Cleanse, Crossfit (WTF was I thinking) for 6 months, Pilates for 2 years, walked a 5k in the rain) but these habits just don’t stick because they’re too much like work for me and I’m not a fan of that (much).
I almost always do things half-ass and that continues to this day. I have all the time in the world to create my business the way I want it and …. I play Facebook games. I have all the time in the world to take walks, ride bikes, be in the sun. And …. Facebook games.
Resistance is a funny thing. It can take many forms. Mine shows up as laziness. I’m smart enough to get by and do well. But what if I actually applied myself? I see friends whip up entire web pages and a book out of thin air (Hi,G!) and I think to myself “well, I couldn’t do that” when the truth is, I probably could.
If I applied myself.
And therein lies much of the problem. I just don’t want to. My inner detective knows I have to get to the bottom of it but my inner recalcitrant child says NO! and stops her foot.
Why the foot-stomping and the teeth-gnashing? How hard is it to get things moving?
I suppose this is my own version of a pep-talk.
So, yeah. I want to do MY work in an outside office (away from dogs and Facebook temptations).
Or run away.
Possibly sit in a closet for a while.
The ever-petulant Snarkypants (what about www.petulantpants.com?)
PS: Just realized that this feeling comes up when I feel pulled on by a lot of people. And I am juggling several balls now and people want me to be present (two commitments plus lots of other online stuff) and I don’t really wanna do it. That’s part of it but not all. Pondering shall ensue.
Discipline is my big bugaboo, too. I can be so very willful, why can’t I turn it to the constructive? Why do I keep getting into my own way? My friend Kathleen says maybe I don’t want to accomplish anything domestically and perhaps I should accept that about myself and get over it. Maybe. But doesn’t that sound like a cop out.
I’m sorry. This post was about YOU, wasn’t it? It’s just that right here you strummed a particular, sensitive chord with me.