Most of my life these days seems to encompass the words “Why bother?”.
Apathy is traditionally a sign that my usually-held-at-bay depression is creeping in but this is more a symptom of ennui, I think. I’m stuck in a cage until the end of the year (yes, it’s not too far away now) and feel like I’ve lost some motivation/enthusiasm for my own work.
My wonderful coach Jaelin and I are working on this weird underlying issue from a bizillion lifetimes ago that seems to be jacking my shit up hardcore. (Yes, I know I’ve had tons of lifetime muck show up this year, haven’t I? It’s what happens when you try to climb out of your cocoon and be a bigger version of who you are.)
Primal fear of … something. She feels it has to do with caveman times and fear of being eaten by a very large creature. And, in fact, that lifetime WAS cut short by that very thing.
Apparently, I’ve been dragging that fear of being consumed (and, of course, dead) from lifetime to lifetime. I guess it’s showing up now so that I can ditch it for good. This all came out as a result of my taking a tumble Tuesday (good alliteration there!) when I slid on some wet marble going into the lobby of the office building.
That was fun.
Sprained my ankle and broke my pinky toe somehow. Good thing I’ve got some padding because this girl went down hard. So embarrassing. Because I think nothing is an accident, coach and I did some digging to find out what this is about. (Hence, caveman times)
I’m home today because I just couldn’t face going in to the office. Most days I can push through the malaise but today I just couldn’t. So, home, making myself do PI things. The swelling has gone down some but the pinky toe is bruised and painful. Ain’t nothing they can do for broken wee toes, alas.
If you’ve been wondering where I am, I am doggie paddling my way through sadness, ennui, boredom, loneliness and other assorted icky emotions. As always, I’ll come out the other end just fine.
Oh, Snarkela! I’m so glad this is happening to you! I think the holidays heighten all our emotions and that can be dangerous to the more sensitive among us (like us).
From the many times that I recall, it’s quite difficult – maybe slightly impossible – to do anything creative (like grow a business) while undergoing a dark night of the ego…which sounds like what you’ve been going through.
It feels like trying to swim in 2 different directions at once and you’d never be fully present to do any one thing (like just heal). It sounds like you get super hard on yourself for not getting things done (farting around as you would say), when the reality is that maybe you’re just supposed to let it be and let it go for a while.
Your business was built on old parts of yourself, many of which you’ve already shifted and parts which are trying to shift now or for some time. And as scary as it feels, it’s okay to let all of that die so you can start back up.
I remember that whenever I tried to create anything or sustain anything while in dark passages, they were all false starts or there wasn’t enough energy to sustain anything. And I realized it’s normal and it’s necessary and once you exit, you’re probably not going to be doing the same thing.
Remember that you always tell me, when things go, they come back around at a higher perspective? That’s the same with your business. So if you always have to “make yourself” tend to your business, maybe it’s just time to just let that be for a while and let yourself come together back again…first.
I hope this perspective helps you feel better.
Xoxo
I fell this week also. My shoe was wet and I had no traction when I stepped on the floor walking into work. I was captured on the security camera. Fortunately did not sprain or break anything and just got up as gracefully as one can from those accidents and smiled and waved at the camera. Feel better! Eaten alive during caveman days. wow – terrible way to go.
There are days I would love to stay home and hibernate. But it’s so much more work to plan for a substitute teacher than to just go in. I hate that about teaching.