Everything I’m trying not to feel or deal with is being kicked up. I keep trying to push it back down or away and it keeps popping to the surface, unwanted and unbidden.
Here’s what’s swirling today:
Because I sure as shit don’t get that on the regular. Everyone is busy with their lives and I understand that, I really do. And I’m not trying to be all Miss Pity Me here although it’s probably going to come off that way.
I have a friend whom I love, truly. But she’s VERY wrapped up in what’s going on with her so every morning I come down to 80 messages on Facebook about this business thing or that thing and it feels like she’s always seeking my approval. I know it’s that she doesn’t have a lot of entrepreneurial pals and she needs interaction so I’m the interact-ee most often but just ONCE I’d like her to ask how I am. Just once.
Family members, too. I genuinely want to know how they are and what’s going on. And they respond but no one – NO ONE – asks how I am. I know they care and would be there in a heartbeat if I needed them and that means a lot to me but jeez, can you take 3 minutes out of your whirlwind schedule to say “Hi, how’s it going?”
See and here’s the thing – I feel greedy for even wanting this.
I’m pretty sure it’s me who has positioned myself as the one who checks on others and to whom others come for advice when they need it or a boost or whatever. And it’s me who apparently has appeared not to need anything.
The only two people who I go to are people I pay – my two coaches. Those are the two women who check in with me, who ask about me, who support me when shit gets hard.
Not my friends, not my family. My coaches.
This just tells me that I need to start asking for what I need from the people in my life.
(Although how do you say “Uh, can you ask how I am once in a while?” without sounding like a whiny five-year-old? Not sure. And that’s what I feel like. A whiny, sad, lonely five-year-old.)
I am over anticipating everyone else’s needs and fulfilling them to the best of my abilities and having no one do that for me. I’m not busting on Duty because he takes care of me in a way no one else has but this issue exists to a degree in that relationship, too.
So, yeah. I haz a sad. And an angry. And lots of other feelings as well.
There ya go.