So, I’ve discussed how spending time in the male dominated Reddit ‘Making a Murderer’ forum has allowed my true (not all love-and-light) voice to emerge. That’s a good thing, all told, I think.
I really strive to be kind and fair in my comments on Facebook and other places. (Except for one tweet that I sent Sarah Palin and I regret it.) I wonder, though, if it’s not time for me to be more forceful with my voice.
The empath in me wants to couch my words so no one’s feelings are hurt. I weigh and measure everything I say so there’s no damage to anyone (that I can control). I’ve done this ALL MY LIFE.
And at the ripe old age of 55, I think I’m done with that. Just now, a friend of mine (Dena Patrick) posted something she wrote on Facebook and some of it damn near smacked me in the head:
“Perhaps activism in general isn’t in alignment with peace and compassion because the nature of activism — even nonviolent activism — inevitably is calling out some behavior, and thus those who are engaged in said behavior.”
That was eye-opening to me. I’d not call myself an activist of any kind but I’ve been pondering the value of speaking out in a more forceful way than I have and the fears it brings up in me (of not being liked, of offending someone, of hurting someone, even) and her words spoke to that perfectly.
Can I be a ‘give no fucks’ kind of person and still be a kind,compassionate being? Like, in my head it’s one or the other. I’m not sure, honestly.
In 2012, I was very vocal and really sort of overbearing about what was going on politically and was trying to wake people up from their Fox “news” induced stupor. Someone I look up to chastised me (which was out of character so I know it was really bothering her) and I allowed it to shut me down. (Also, I have come to learn you can’t awaken someone who finds value in sleeping and everyone’s on their own path.)
Last year, when I was talking to the woman who created the Archetype Alignment Grid about joining the program, she referenced this post over on PI and asked if that was the kind of thing I write about regularly because it was very harsh, in her opinion. I ran away from it so fast because I feared her disapproval (why?) and not being the ‘kind’ of person she wanted representing her.
Thing is, I’d say it again and in the same way. Did I, though? Nope. Shut that voice down.
I think I’ve said before that the calling to the Reddit forums has not just been about guilt or innocence or playing detective although those parts are fun. My feeling is that it’s about finding my true voice and learning when and how to use it. (It can get a bit sharp so I try to use that sharpness judiciously.)
That’s what’s on my mind today.
Also too: I am getting close to smacking Dude I’m working with. He doesn’t listen to what I say even when I say it really clearly.
Case in point:
Via email and with a spreadsheet attached, I said: “Here’s a list of people who were in MyEmma in the Global Broker list but I couldn’t find them in ACT. (I searched for about 10 of them and didn’t find any.)” (NB: MyEmma = mail program, ACT = database)
He responded: “What are the names below? Are they in global brokers? Are they in ACT?”
WTF? Did I not just fucking tell you what they were? Did I not just say (and in highlights too!) that they are in the Global Broker list but NOT in ACT?
Kids, I am doing my best to learn how to work with him so he understands the info I send. But I fear we are not meshing here and it’s causing me aggravation and I’m not into that. (On top of that, he has not sent me the $300 he owes me yet which annoys me even though I’ve sent him invoices.)
I’m giving this one more month and then I’m out if it doesn’t change. (sigh)