Posts in category Light Bulb

Is it even possible I’m NOT an introvert?

March 18, 2014 Written by Lisa

Here’s what I’ve learned four days into Duty’s vacation:

1) All the other times he’s gone away, I’ve been working outside the house. This is the first time he’s gone and I’m working from home. Which leads me to point #2.

2) Oh dear God, I’m going insane but very S L O W L Y. (You might not even notice.)

3) Dogs are lovely but not good talking companions.

4) I have no anchor without Duty (or someone to talk to). I feel like I’m un-tethered and floating way out in space.

5) I like the freedom to leave dishes in the sink or run the dishwasher with three things in it, knowing the dogs won’t criticize me.

6) My eating is for shit. With the exception of my one NutriBullet drink just about every day (spinach, banana, apple, strawberries, almonds and coconut milk), I’ve been eating horribly. Just off the rails.

7) All this leads me to think I’m not as far along on the introvert scale as I thought I was. Apparently, the day job provided an enormous amount of stimulation (too much, many days) that carried me along and the balance was fine. Nowadays? Hmmmm. Un-tethered, ambling, lonely and unmotivated.

8) Better pull my shit together fast. I’ve got stuff to do and all this craptastic eating is making me feel like crap. (makes sense)

Also too: send some good vibes please to Sophia Kitty. She’s not been well for a few days and I took her to the vet today. She’s under five pounds which, as the doctor told me, doesn’t bode well for her health.

However, she also has some spunk despite lethargy and dehydration so they’re going to pump her full of nutrients and whatnot, run blood tests and see what’s up. (to the tune of $700, oh you betcha!)

More to say, as always

December 1, 2013 Written by Lisa

Wanna talk weird compulsions?

There are a few people I have “muted” on FB because they bring the drama like big dogs. Do I unfriend them? Nope! I keep them on there so I can check on the drama when I want. Then I roll my eyes (often back up into my head) at them.

As I was doing that just this very morning, I thought “why are you doing this?” Are you enjoying judging them? And if that’s the case, what is going on with you that you feel the need to judge them? (Because it’s really not about them, dear readers. It’s always about you. (Or, in this case, me.))

I am often thankful that Facebook was not around as I was navigating my 20s because I am sure (SURE, I tell you!) that I would have been those “let me document every single thought I have” kinds of people, writing vague yet snarky statuses for all the world to wonder at. And how someone older, perhaps wiser (perhaps not) would think “oh child, please stop embarrassing yourself like that” and still resist the urge to write me and tell me the “correct” way to do it.

Ever the Libra, I go back and forth on how I think I know better ways to conduct oneself on Facebook contrasted with the voice that says “shut up! Let them do what the hell they want on their page!”

There’s a judgy side to me that comes out when I rein myself in from trying to fix, save or otherwise take care of people. It’s like if I can’t save them, well, why not just make fun of them? That’s some fucked up shit right there, I’ll tell you.

Upside of all this navel-gazing? I’m conscious of my need to do it and bringing consciousness to these odd compulsions often brings clarity around why they’re done in the first place.

Downside? It’s possible I’m just speaking out my ass and I’ll continue doing this rather than acknowledge how much better I feel when I don’t go peeping on these people (who are, after all, living their lives the best way they can) and judging them.

Maybe I’ll challenge myself to NOT peep their pages and instead do a constructive thing (like, play game 3,984 of Farm Epic) or GASP! write a blog post on PI. Yeah, that might help. Or not. You’ll be the first to know.

Blah blah blah

Birthday hangovers and an epiphany

October 23, 2013 Written by Lisa

What a spectacular birthday I had! Seriously.

I had TWO cakes, a fairy godmother to take me shopping (picked out the shoes and clothes AND pay for them! Holy Shit!), Duty and the dogs in party hats as I walked in the door and just tons of love.

I was happier than I’ve been in many a day (especially lately when the disgruntlement has been in high gear).

The celebration continues today with sekrit boyfriend show in Baltimore.

I’m glad he’s touring again (even if it’s with funky hair and a damn lumberjack beard – FFS, dude. You are GORGEOUS! Don’t hide the pretty!) and that Cousin O’Love is going with me. YEY!

Epiphany Time (and pardon the vagueness)

Have you ever held a memory close, hoping that it would come back and be real again?

Because that memory holds a part of who you were, a part of you that you don’t want to release?

The fear being that if you release the memory to the wind, the part of you that it holds also goes flitter-flutter into the same wind. That it will never ever be real (such as it was) again.

And yet, it’s time to *finally* let it go.

It’s just time. (Past time, really.)

I have to plain admit that to myself even though there’s a part of me that is sad about releasing it.

Because the epiphany is that I hold that part as long as I want.

Regardless of who or what shows up in my life (or doesn’t), that part always has belonged to me (no matter how I wanted to give it to another to hold).

It’s a bittersweet epiphany for lots of reasons that will remain in my heart.

The last step in dealing with grief is acceptance – and I’m standing at the doorway to acceptance.

What a long, strange trip it’s been, as the Grateful Dead would say. But lessons and teachers? Oh, they are everywhere along that road.

Blah blah blah, General Blatherings

What part of me gives up?

November 25, 2012 Written by Lisa

David Neagle, one of my great teachers, has often asked us to look at where in the process (of doing anything) we give up. What are the things that make us just turn around and quit.

In my case, it’s often that I slide so very slowly into the abyss of sloth that I hardly notice it anymore.

There are people with high determination. If they want something, by God, they are going to get it and everything else be damned.

I’ve never been that kind of person.

I’m more the “flow with the river/path of least resistance” kind of chick. If it doesn’t come easily to me, forget it. I’ll move on.

I feel strongly about very few things. As I’ve listed before it’s mostly woo, politics and Cookie.
Also too: I love to advocate for people who have no voice and help others see the same potential in themselves as I see in them.

That’s about it for feeling strongly about stuff. I’m amazed I’ve gotten as far as I have in life without this determination I see in others. My mom used to tell me that I could be amazing if I gave 100% but somehow I decided it was easier to give 52% and call it a win.

What’s underneath this decision to make 52% a “win” and move on? Fear of failure? That’s such an automatic response. I think maybe it’s part of it but not the whole answer.

There’s more there.

It pokes me in the damn head when I see others want to give up (or do the slow slide to sloth) and I want to yell at them! And I had to ask myself “what part of you is speaking through them?” – because that’s what the poking is about.

So yeah, wondering what part of me wants to give up when it requires more attention than I feel like giving it? (It = anything, really.)

I’ll hand this one over to my Spiritual Committee and see if they can’t help bubble up a new perspective on it because it’s showing up now for a reason. (You know me. Everything happens for a reason, yada yada yada.)

Blah blah blah, General Blatherings

Blessons abound!

November 22, 2012 Written by Lisa

You know, I am thankful every daggone day for the love I have in my life and all the comforts that make me happy. Looking back on this past year and all the “blessons” I got, I am thankful for them, too.

I am thankful for:

* Getting laid off from the day job in March – while I was beyond happy to be free, it was also scary to know that I couldn’t just count on a paycheck showing up whether I did any work or not. The blesson here was that I can create my own income doing the work I love.

* The gift of words – an email I got early on in my budding full-time career that basically asked me “Who are you to charge this amount for your work?” – that simple question caused me to go into hiding for about two-three months as I grappled with “Yeah, who AM I to do this?”. I came out the other side with the knowledge that who am I NOT to do this work and be paid well for it? This is the work of my soul, work I chose to do before I came here and there’s no reason I can’t earn a living from it. I am thankful that this person posed the question to me because it really made me look inside for the answers. And find them.

* Losing Max and Lucie – it’s always hard to let go of those we have loved and cared for so dearly. Max was 16 and Lucie 20 and that’s a long time to be with each other. They brought me joy, comfort and companionship during some really hard times in my life and also shared in and were part of the good times. The pain of losing them was washed away by the memory of all that was wonderful about them. I will see them again on the other side, this I do know for sure.

* Brogan – what can I say about this little dog who has taught me more about patience in the past six months than I’ve learned in the whole of my life? He’s joy and dorkyness rolled into a big furball. And the thing I love most? Duty’s bond with this dog. He needed that (Duty and maybe Brogan too!) and it makes my heart burst with love. When we lost Max, it tore a hole in our hearts and Brogan came in before we had a chance to close it back up. I’m glad for that, as much as I whine about it.

* Crossfit – I know I talk about this one often but I can’t say it enough – it often takes direct guidance to move me into action because I know if it’s been given to me to do, there’s a reason behind it. My Guides generally don’t give frivolous tasks. When I got this one, well, it was probably the hardest thing for me to just start. But I did. And while I will never compete in the Chubsters Crossfit Challenge, I know that each time I go, I’m getting better and better. I am in my body most days, tackle things I never thought I could do (physical and non) and feel so much more confidence. I love that. So yeah, hard to start, big rewards afterwards. Blesson, indeed.

* This lesson I learned only recently and it was a hard one. Thanks, Dr. Wayne Dyer for saying it better than I can. (emphasis mine and you all know why)

“An important teacher of mine, Abraham Maslow, always counseled that it was necessary for the self-actualized individual to be “independent of the good opinion of others.” Walk with Thoreau in your own mind. Listen to the voice you hear, and the drumbeat only you can feel, and honor it, while honoring it in those you love as well. It is the ultimate act of unconditional love. In being true to your inner calling, you may ruffle some feathers but you’ll have the peace and satisfaction of knowing that you fulfilled your divine purpose and encouraged others to do the same. Another brilliant nonconformist, Dr. Seuss, is credited with saying, “Be what you are and say what you feel, because those who will mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.”

Wishing my three blog readers love, peace and joy today and every day. Thanks always for reading and commenting on my blatherings. For more than ten years, this has been my safe place. I’m glad to have it (and you!)

Blah blah blah, General Blatherings, Guides and Teachers, teh WooWoo