Posts in category High Drama

Happy New Year!

January 1, 2016 Written by Lisa

not interesting So, yeah. What a holiday, eh? It’s gone by in a fuzzy blur of sleep, coughing, random moments of feeling human and Netflix.

My taste buds are all whacked out thanks to the antibiotics so food has tasted all icky and whatnot. Any soda with aspartame has tasted particularly bad.

We went out for NYE (because we had $150 worth of tickets and I was feeling marginally better) and one taste of wine was enough to put me off all alcohol for the night. I resorted to drinking a coke because it was all I could get down.

Notes from the couch (as seen on my FB feed):

1) the nebulizer treatment makes me all weird(er) and shaky. 3x a day, you say? OY. #shakestheclown

2) Way to start weight loss targets for 2016: down 3lbs and food still tastes like blargh. #brightside

3) Am on the way to becoming junior detective in case of Steven Avery and Brendan Dassey via the Reddit Brigade. #makingamurderer (why haven’t you watched this???)

4) Was out among happy non-sick people last night and got worn out. No dancing for yours truly. #cantbreathe

5) Sense of humor (such as it is) intact. #fornow

Theme of 2015 turned out to be “what am I willing to receive?” and I got lessons out the yin, didn’t I? Interesting that this last illness was about being willing to receive breath, the giver of life. (goes all metaphysical on your ass)

Because I felt so low-level punky, I had to accept help and have someone take care of me. I always worry that I’ll run amok with that and become a diva of sorts, where I order minions (PJ? Brogan? Zippy?) around and get on my high horse, so I try not to ask for anything (much) because of that.

I know I’m weird.

Anyway, whenever I try to do stuff around the house, I get all out of breath and my chest hurts. So, not much of the doing and lots more of the sitting.

Welcome 2016 with your gifts and lessons and joys. I am happy to see you.

All that isn’t aligned must fall away

December 10, 2015 Written by Lisa

In Access Consciousness, there’s a question (well, there’s only questions in AC!) that goes “Is this the change I’ve been asking for?” Meaning, if you’ve set your intention to do XYZ, and stuff happens that feels scary or weird as you align yourself more and more to your intention, then perhaps THAT is the change you’ve been asking for, just delivered in a way that isn’t what you envisioned.

let it go Angella and I had a long talk yesterday and we both said what needed to be said – that being the lead coach in her program isn’t working out how we envisioned. For me (and my business) and really, for her as well.

Truth is, she doesn’t need a lead coach. She’s got it covered really well. And the other piece is that we are very similar in how we do things that there’s no complement there and my contributions aren’t shining the way they might in a different setting.

And it’s impacted my business in a huge way. Like this ($$$) kind of way. Once again, I’ve energetically left my own space, this time in support of someone else’s business. Because it’s my fucking comfort zone. It’s where I hide and it’s where I am safe under someone else’s wing.

In this case, it was Angella’s wing. And if I want to create my own business that’s solid, I have to get out of that space of safety. Otherwise, I may as well chuck it all and go back to the safety of corporate, right?

This was the right move, of that I am sure. But it stirred up so much shit! Oh my God. Stuff like “I suck and am not valuable in that group” (not true at all) and “You can’t do this on your own, Lisa” (not true at all) – those gremlins were waiting there in the dark to pounce and I just had to POD/POC* my way through the noise to find what is true.

Duty says (and continues to say) that he doesn’t care if I’m making money with PI and that as long as I’m happy, it’s good. But I care. This year was the first year I saw a net loss on the business and at this rate, it’s a friggin’ hobby and not a real business. That doesn’t make me happy, as you can imagine.

So, onward.

*POD/POC is the shorthand way of talking about the AC Clearing Statement. I continue to be amazed at how working through questions and clearing the junk in the way really makes a difference. It’s all energy, yo.

Light Bulb, True Fax

All clear!

December 7, 2015 Written by Lisa

So says the results of the colonoscopy! YEY! The worst part of it was hanging out in the waiting area, prepped and ready to go. For 30 minutes. Where I had to listen to chatter from the nursing station (that was okay) and random farting from people who had already been through the procedure. I think it was David Sedaris who called it ‘the farting room‘ in his tale of colonoscopy-land.

It wasn’t bad, per se, but I began to get all manner of scared over what they might find (cancer) and how I cannot go through that at all (it involves pain and lots of barfing) and and and …. see? I scare the (very little at this point) shit out of my own self. My angels rolled in as did Lauren and told me to cool my anxiety jets. (I did.)

The tech nurse and the anesthesiologist were super and really put me at ease. Once she pumped me full of propofol, I was OUT. Like, one minute awake, the next OUT. It was great.

The bloaty feeling afterward? Not great. Glad this is over with. Next time, though, I have to do better with my prep, said the doc. Fasting one whole day before the procedure and not the mere 24 hours I did (because I thought I read the directions correctly). I have to go back in 5 years (vice 10) to make sure nothing was missed. That’s okay. Better to know than not.

Why Lisa has the out-of-proportion heebie-jeebies re: any medical procedure

See, here’s the thing: as a child, I spent a lot of time in hospital waiting areas because my dad was often there as a patient. He was ill in one way or another as long as I can remember. It’s part of the reason I am terribly anxious when someone is vomiting because to me that equals ‘someone very sick, possibly dying’.

So I enter into any visit to the doctor with enormous trepidation. Like, off the scale size trepidation. It’s ridiculous, I know. Much of it has to do with icky body stuff, some of it to do with the ‘OMG, she’s dying’ stuff but there is a part that’s about having to deal with anything related to my body in a way that causes me embarrassment. (I imagine if I had birthed another actual human with all the attendant body ick that goes along with it, I’d be over this. But nope.)

For example, the aforementioned farting room created some moments of wee terror for ye olde Snarkela. I had to POD/POC my way through the anxiety that bubbled up (hah! get it?) over this happening in any sort of public setting. It is a rare occasion that anyone hears this, if I can possibly control it.

Also too: I don’t really want anyone poking around in my nether regions. (Who does? If you do, don’t answer, k?)

tl;dr:

Body stuff = ick, anxiety, fears of death and barfing (almost the same thing to me)
Anesthesia is awesome
Don’t make up your own rules for bowel prep
Farting in public is unavoidable after this procedure but at least you can do it quietly (I did)

And there you have it, The Colonoscopy Diaries, Volume One.

Blah blah blah, Pretty Sure Ive gone insane

In over my head!!

December 3, 2015 Written by Lisa

So, on a whim, I applied for a part time customer support position with SumoMe, a site with tools to power websites. I use a lot of them on my own site, as a matter of fact, and like them very much.

The requirements for this position are as follows:

You’ve installed SumoMe on your site (CHECK)
You enjoy taking care of people (CHECK) (sort of)
You may have done customer support role in a similar company (CHECK-ISH)
You have basic HTML skills (CHECK-ISH) (I know how to get around my own site pretty well and can learn stuff quickly so, yeah check-ish)
You like solving problems (CHECK)
Dealing with criticism doesn’t affect you (SHHH! We won’t tell them. I’ll just POD POC it and all will be well!)
You have a fun taste in music :) (COOKIE – need I say more? heh)

Good news! I made it to round 2 by answering some interesting questions for them. Woot! I’ve got this!

Then I notice the next round of ‘interesting’ questions and I’m like “Yeah, I’m so in over my head.”

Please post a YouTube video showing yourself installing SumoMe and setting up List Builder, Share, Heatmaps, and Welcome Mat on a website. (UUUUHHHH …. I’ve done all of this on my own site but nothing like recording a video of it! Fucking hell!)

Where should a <!DOCTYPE> be located in the HTML of a website and why? (I cheated and looked this up. Is that bad?)

A few were easy peasy:

How would you respond to this? “Why won’t anyone help me?? Your product is really hard to use, your support website is too hard to use and is not friendly to very new users!” (Ha! That’s nothing compared to “You people are stealing my money! The stock market has stolen all my money and I want it back or I’m going to file a complaint!” –> just another day at many of my former places of employ!)

How do you deal mentally with customer complaints? I don’t think they’ll know what POD-POCing is so here’s what I said (because it’s mostly true): “My sense is this: everyone just wants to be heard. Some do it in a kind way and some do it in a not-so-kind way, especially when they’re frustrated. I keep this in mind and don’t take anything personally (and you know that can be a challenge, eh?) but after years of working with all kinds of clients, I’ve learned that letting them know up front that I’m willing to listen and to help works wonders. So, that’s always my intention: be willing to listen and help and let them know we’re partners, not adversaries.”

So yeah. I am not even sure if I should go through all this for a job that might be more of a pain in the ass than not. I was just goofing around, got a nudge to apply and here I am.

And no, I’m not abandoning PI. In fact, I’ve got a super program that I think will be my ‘signature program’ to come out either late this month or early January but am looking at other streams of income just for kicks.

This one, though, might be over my head as it’s more technical than I’ve ever done and even though I’m a wee tech nerd, it’s at my own speed and not helping others who are bitchy.

I’ll keep y’all posted as I know you’re on the very edge of your seat, amirite?

Pretty Sure Ive gone insane

Living a life examined can be challenging

June 6, 2015 Written by Lisa

I’m not sure the title of this post makes sense but I know what I’m trying to say (even if you don’t). :)

Of all the things I’ve picked up and put back down in my life, my inner work has remained the one that I carry with me always. My passions wax and wane, one hundred percent or nothing, as my family likes to remind me. Either I’m all in or I’m out.

Truth.

When I think about the things I am most dedicated to doing, this one always shows up: working through my stuff to bring forth a better, bolder, more authentic me. For what reason, I don’t know. But it’s been this way all my life. The curiosity to know what’s going on underneath the surface, for myself and for others, the need to understand how things unfold and why – all there from pretty much day one, at least as I remember it.

They say that entrepreneurship is often a spiritual journey and I agree but I think (truly) all of life is a spiritual journey. If you choose it to be, anyway. How you work through the things that show up, what you’re open to receiving, who you call into your life – all of those things create the life you are living.

Deep thoughts (or not).

My Guide team is working diligently with my wonderful coach to help me navigate some deep stuff around betrayal lately. And not just the random betrayal that we all have but the “whoa! I totally didn’t see THAT coming” kind that knocks the wind out of your sails. The kind that makes you sad and mad and a host of other feelings that swirl around.

Vengeance is not a thing that resides in my energy. I don’t get that whole “you hurt me and now I’ll come after you” kind of thing. Maybe because I’m averse to conflict (and vengeance thrives on that) but what is the point? If someone has hurt me, I’ll say it and they’ll either hear it and act upon it or not. For me to go all “You killed my father and now you must DIE!” on them makes no sense to me. I’d rather just release it and move on.

So, when people use what I’ve shared in confidence to try to hurt me or others, it plain boggles my brain. Like, why would you do that? What do you gain outside of some smug satisfaction that you’ve wounded another? Perhaps that IS what they’re after. It must feed them on some level, I suppose. Still, I don’t get it at all.

Looking at the betrayals that have happened in my life, I see that I have gotten nudges and clues that this could happen but I CHOSE to ignore them, thinking “oh that person wouldn’t do that to me. We’re too close.” And that’s when I’ve been blindsided. This latest one shouldn’t have come as a surprise but it did and stung.

However, it’s the conduit for where I need to go in my inner work to unearth those places where I’ve chosen not to see what’s coming – both in this life and in other past lives. There’s a huge thread and a clue to something deep and hidden that now needs to be brought into the light and healed.

This is big work, so I hear from my Guides, and key to what’s coming next. They gave me a laundry list of things I need to do to prepare for what’s coming – animal and flower essences, gentleness with myself, more water, more water, more water. This wound is actually one of my most primal, soulful ones and you can’t just throw hot sauce into a gaping wound like that. (So my Guides say)

To the person who helped me into this work, I bow and say thank you. Thank you for the opportunity to go to this place so that I can move forward. You’ve been a catalyst in many ways and though we are no longer speaking, I honor the part of you that has held up your end of our soul contract. My human, sensitive self is left wondering what the heck is going on but the higher self says ‘thank you’ with enormous gratitude.

What's that about?