Posts in category Lauren

You’re my wonderwall

July 16, 2016 Written by Lisa

The version of this Oasis song by Ryan Adams is my favorite (not like there’ve been a bunch of covers. Still.) because it’s trippy and haunting at the same time.

And for some odd reason, it reminds me of Lauren.

“And all the roads we have to walk were winding, and all the lights that lead the way are blinding …”

I learned the hardest way possible that you cannot walk someone else’s journey for them no matter how much you want to. I prayed and prayed and prayed that I would be allowed to carry this for her and let her be the one to have a long life. And time and again, I was told by my Guides and Teachers that this was a choice made by her soul for purposes that are not mine to know. My part was to walk that path with her and I did that in the best way I knew how.

“There are many things I’d like to say to you but I don’t know how ….”

One of the many, many blessings among her journey with cancer is that there was time to say everything I wanted to say. She knew, without question, how very much I loved her and what she meant to me. She knew. She always just knew. From the moment she was born, we just had this bond that I’ve never had with anyone else. There was nothing but love there, always.

“And maybe, you’re gonna be the one to save me ….”

I can’t even explain it but this line always chokes me up. She’s not my savior nor do I desire saving but … still. There’s an element of truth to this that I haven’t yet unpacked.

“And after all, you’re my wonderwall ….”

Because I like to know stuff, I looked up the definition of the word ‘wonderwall’ (here it is for your edification):

“According to Noel Gallagher (songwriter), the song describes “an imaginary friend who’s gonna come and save you from yourself “. And since the only ‘you’ in the song goes on to become the ‘Wonderwall‘, it must refer to something/someone who will always be there for you, and well, save you.

I don’t think I needed saving but since hers was the first voice I heard from the great beyond, I think she was instrumental in helping me on my path. So maybe she ‘saved’ me from a life forever in financial services? :)

This is one of those songs I can dive into and get lost. The words and music have deep, deep resonance for me and I can swim in it all day long.

Do you have a song like that?

(Gal, I know you do. My guess is Stoney End and Tears Dry on Their Own?)

Blah blah blah, General Blatherings

Too far away for me to hold

June 8, 2014 Written by Lisa

Some songs are just so evocative of a certain time and place, aren’t they? There are a bunch of songs from the early 2000s that really capture where I was at the time and this is one of them.

“Shimmer” by Fuel came across my path today and boy, it took me right back there. An interesting time in my life and one that guided me onto my current path.

In the depths of depression, I managed to crawl over to the Woo and came to understand that it had always been there waiting for me when I was ready.

It was there in my early 20s when I had a surge of weird psychic knowings come over me and had no idea what to do with them other than predict things at purely random times. I tucked it back into the corner because it was too much like what my mom had and it didn’t seem to make her very happy.

The Woo came around again in my 30s as I stood in a New Age store in a local mall and had this thought come through me, gentle but strong :”I belong here. I don’t know why, I don’t know how but I belong here.” I tucked it away again because it was inconvenient to have to acknowledge my then boyfriend was a dumbass and possibly a cheating one at that.

It came one last time in my very early 40s after my world sorta caved in on me. This time I said YES and opened the door, inconvenient knowings, mother-similarities and all. And I’ve never looked back.

This song also reminds me of my sweet Lauren – because she shimmered like nobody’s business. And like the line in the song says “you’re too far away for me to hold, too far away ….” that’s how I felt about her. (As I type this, I hear her say “Aunt Lisa, I’m right here!”)

So yeah, songs really stir up the memories for me. You too, I suppose?

Health update: Anemic (no surprise), clear carotid ultrasound and waiting on MRI results. Medical Intuitive thinks it’s energetically related to my shift while in Utah, anemia showing the need for attention to my body and my ability to carry bigger energy and some digestive wonkiness. We’ll see what the doc says. I feel fine (a little tingly now and then but MI feels that’s digestive related and has me timing when the tingles come on. More as it develops.

Blah blah blah, teh WooWoo

Please Mister Please, don’t play B-17

May 23, 2013 Written by Lisa

Why is this awful Olivia Newton John song playing in my damn head? It’s like my inner radio is stuck on WSUK – all suck, all the time. It’s possible that it’s a message from the great beyond and if so, I’d like to redirect them to better song choices to get that messsage through. (I’m now listening to it to see if there is indeed a message. So far … no.)

(geez, this was drecky – right up there with Afternoon Delight – bleah. All her songs of that timeframe were mealy-mouthed and floaty. Just. No.)

Anyway, I’m excited to have FIVE days off (woo hoo!) – today I’m taking the kids to doggie day care and then going to the library to work on my PI Mentoring Program. I so wish we had a good coffee shop over here but alas, no.

(As an aside: We just have a Dunkin Donuts and in the morning all the old farts gather to discuss how to get the “Keynan Muslim Socialist” currently occupying the white house out. And you know I just cannot stand hearing bald faced lies without my blood pressure going through the roof. Do they listen to facts? Awww, hell no. Facts are bullshit, man! We’d rather listen to the voices in Glenn Beck’s head tell us what to think.)

I digress.

Can’t wait to teach these 9 wonderful women all the stuff I know about doing intuitive readings. I’ve taken eleven million courses over the years on intuitive development but there’s nothing out there exactly like this. I want to work with conscious individuals who are dedicated to walking their higher spiritual path. Those who are just getting on that path, well, I’m not the best teacher for that. And since it’s beginner levels, there are TONS of courses around.

This desire to teach this particular thing came at the intersection of two events: one was being asked to receive a reading from a budding intuitive in exchange for feedback on it and the other was listening to one of my fellow intuitives give readings that I felt weren’t as helpful as they could have been. My focus has always, always been on bringing that broad guidance down to earth and helping others put it into action. (Hence, practically intuitive) so when I receive readings or hear others give readings that don’t offer that, it always PINGS me. Sort of a reminder to go do that thing.

So, I did! And nine people followed along with me into this journey. Wheee!

Today is Lauren’s 27th birthday and I really wonder where she’d have been in her life now had her soul decided to stay. There wasn’t a person around who didn’t feel her radiant inner light and I know that were she here today, she would be continuing to shine that Light for others in some unique way.

I’ve said it before and it’s true always: I think of her every single day. And I’m so so so thankful that she is able to make contact with me from the other side. If I didn’t hold the belief that I will be with her again (as we have been together in many, many lifetimes before), I’d probably never crawl out of the well of sadness that her leaving created in my heart. She’s the closest I came to having a child of my own (she’s the child who was born of my heart if not my body) and that’s an experience I am so grateful to have.

Watched this wonderful video about a young man with the same type of cancer Lauren had (osteosarcoma) and saw the kind of Light in him that I also saw in her. (It’s 22 minutes of joy and tears – so worth watching. He just transitioned from the physical on Monday.)

Bless those who can shine that light in such a big, big way and inspire us to make the best use of our time in this incarnation.

Blah blah blah

Six years – forever and just yesterday ago

March 4, 2012 Written by Lisa

Monday March 5th is the sixth anniversary of Lauren’s transition to the other side and in honor of her journey, I am sharing the speech I gave at the UVA Relay for Life event in 2006.

They honored her spirit and her sweetness and I was touched to be asked to speak at this event.

What follows is from so deep in my heart that it took all my courage and willpower to get through it so soon after she left us.

(Yeah, I didn’t make it through without tears, of course. It IS me, after all!)

It was my good fortune to have been Lauren’s godmother. Not only was she my most beloved godchild, she was also one of my best friends. We shared a passion for the written word, inside jokes from our favorite british comedian, warm crusty bread slathered in butter and the odd compulsion to sit next to each other at family gatherings.

Lauren was a child born not of my body but of my soul. And it was through this special relationship that I learned how to love with all my heart.

Her inner light and joy, undaunted by this horrific disease, carried not only her through it but us as well. In her eyes, I saw the courage of all who battle cancer – facing an unknown future. And time and again, I stood in awe of it.

I believe we come into this world with special gifts – things that make us who we are. Lauren’s gift was to quietly inspire people to live what they believe. She “walked her talk” and was without pretension or mask. You just felt good around her.

She was not one to draw attention to herself and while I could go on for hours about what a wonderful person she was, I’m sure she would rather I make a different point. So I will.

We are all connected to each other in this world. Connected in ways we may never know. The love and kindness you show others has a ripple effect. Taking part in this event, donating time and money and positive energy is a wonderful way to honor those whom we love. Continue to radiate that love and joy outward even after today. You will have made a difference, I promise.

Tonight, I honor Lauren and my mother-in-law Irene. Their spirit remains with us always. I honor those who care for their loved ones on their path to healing, especially my cousin Mary and her husband Steve, Lauren’s parents, who were with her every single step of the way.

Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends.

We love you, Lauren.

Always and forever, I love you.

Sad and helpless

January 5, 2012 Written by Lisa

That describes yours truly upon reading my friend’s CaringBridge page.

Her recent CATscan came back to show that her recurrent breast cancer continues to spread like wildfire and is now in her liver.

The doctors give her maybe a year to live.

I’m sad for about a hundred reasons but I’ll only list three:

a) It didn’t have to go this way – her docs mis-diagnosed her from the get-go and had they caught it in time, she would have had a fighting chance.

b) She’s brutally honest in her posts about her condition and how she’s feeling (angry, hurt, etc) and I find I have nothing to say other than that I love her, am keeping her and her husband in my prayers and …. that’s it. What CAN you say? There are no words. Just none.

c) she’s my age and it again reminds me of my mortality

I can sit here on the couch and say that I have no fear of dying precisely because I am not in a place now where I am forced to confront that issue. Who knows what I’d feel if I were?

For right now, I feel transported back to October 2005 when I went to my cousin’s to celebrate my birthday with Lauren and the family. It was after Lauren’s cancer had come back and we all knew the diagnosis was grim. I sat on the couch, hugging her and crying all over her. Cousin O’Love came over, sat down and hugged us too and there we sat, all three of us hugging, knowing that our time together would be short.

I know, to the core of my being, that there is more to all of this than what we see. I’ve experienced it.

But that doesn’t mean that I don’t feel the deep, deep wells of sadness that news like this brings.

Each soul chooses its path. My friend’s soul has chosen hers. All I can do is be there and hug her. And remind her of the fun times we used to share when we worked together at a local department store – all the foibles we shared.

Sigh. There are no words.

Suckage