Posts in category What’s that about?

Such a psychopath ….

November 4, 2017 Written by Lisa

I was peeping through an old photo album today in the middle of cleaning the cat box and saw the picture of someone I refer to as “the bad boyfriend”.

I met him through an online BBS back in the days of the 2 line modems (1988). Tall, very thin, with a beard, he seemed intelligent and mysterious. We went out a few times and before you know it, he moved in to my meager little 2nd floor apartment in downtown Baltimore.

We were together -maybe- 6 months and it was during that time I learned what it meant to endure someone gaslighting me. Things I KNEW to be true, he lied about. And told me I was crazy. Everything I did was wrong, he said. He wore what little self-esteem I had to a damn nub.

Why did I allow this? Well, honestly, I hated to give up the best sex I had ever had. Like, he put me in some kind of trance. (I was 28, what do you want?) He was so bad but so good.

Of course, I found out that he was cavorting with someone else during this time and when I finally made the decision to kick his ass out, I gathered all his stuff and put it by the front door. Then, realizing I’d never have the opportunity to sleep with him again, unpacked it all and seduced him that night for one last time.

Then I told him to get out. (It sounds so brave now. I was a mess then. Like I said, I ran with whatever shred of self-esteem I had left.)

Saw him one last time after I had moved to Richmond VA. We went to the movies and fought on the way home. When I got out of the car, I walked over where he was standing and asked for my house key back. As he was taking it off the key ring, I got into a frenzy and grabbed it. He lifted his elbow (on purpose) and clipped me under the chin, knocking me over on the road.

“Look where your life is, Lisa. Get up.” said the voice in my head. I gathered my glasses that had fallen on the side and walked up the steps to my mother’s apartment. I didn’t want her to know (and I never told her all that had happened because I couldn’t bear her “I told you so” on top of shredded self-esteem and a messed up life).

I never spoke to or saw him again. He did pop up years later online in a strange way and didn’t know it was me. I longed to fuck with his head as he did mine but karma and whatnot.

Why all the reminiscing? Like I said, saw his picture today and played Sherlock on the googles. Turns out, he died in September. His brother posted something on his high school FB page that said he was “found deceased”. That’s all the info I can find.

It’s been almost 30 years since all that happened (Jeepers! Where has time gone??) but I remember a lot of it because it took me a year or more to get back to who I was before he came barreling through. I remember filing pages and pages and pages of my journal, doubting myself as he lied and lied and lied.

We had a short time together but I gained a lot of important life lessons. NEVER doubt my spidey sense – ever. And never let anyone tear me down like that.

What's that about?

It made my soul sad

January 29, 2017 Written by Lisa

Duty and I went to see “Hidden Figures” today (it was quite good) and there were a couple parts (well, more than a couple) that just made my heart and soul so sad. Like, I could have just started crying right there in the theatre about the way women in general and women of color in particular were treated.

I know that’s how it was and that things have changed (and of course, more change is still needed desperately) but why was it okay to think people were inferior based on skin color? Or gender? Who decreed this to be THE TRUTH? White men, of course.

I’ve been hanging out in a lot of intersectional groups lately and have become much more attuned to these injustices but I always wondered why things like this were a certain way. When I was younger, I pondered why only men were allowed to be priests. Or why our government is made up mostly of white men. (Still is, alas.)

Apparently, back at my home planet, we didn’t pay much heed to those things and revenge and rage aren’t on the menu so this chick doesn’t ‘get’ this. At all. I get anger, yes. Felt it, too. But rage and revenge and doing things to purposely dick over people? Yeah, no. Not in this lifetime.

It’s possible I’m exquisitely sensitive and picking up more than my share of vibes that my heart and soul hurt at these injustices I am awakening to more and more and/or it’s possible I’ve lived lifetimes as an oppressed person and know the feelings from the inside out. Who knows?

Speaking of who knows, Jesus take all the wheels because our government has gone off the deep end in just one week. Trump is an energetic disruptor and an agent of change for higher consciousness and damn if he isn’t doing it at warp speed. This sponge girl got filled up with outrage early in the day and had to get wrung out every evening. When we look back at this time, we will see how it all had to happen this way for the shift that is needed. I don’t know if even Bernie could have brought it about so quickly.

A bumpy ride is ahead of us but I have a strange sense of calm about it (Facebook status posts to the contrary!) and we will come out of this in a different and better place.

General Blatherings, What's that about?

Interesting

August 4, 2016 Written by Lisa

In the past month, two of my clients (one former, one current) have stepped into high dollar programs to help with their business.

Neither program is a fit for who they are as people nor is it a fit for where they are in their business (pretty much just a whiff of an idea).

I remember doing just that myself back in the day. Hiring this coach and that, in the hopes that they would give me just the right formula, procedures, guidelines and checklists to make it all come together perfectly into a six-figure success.

The hard won (and dollars lost) truth is that nothing like that ever really works. Sure, it might be a fix temporarily but you’ll see you’ve built a business you hate. (That happened to my former coach. She was making ‘six-figures’ but couldn’t get out of bed in the morning because she hated the life she created.)

The first client stepped hard-core into a guru-star program. “Do it exactly this way and you’ll be a raging success.” – considering she doesn’t even have a clear idea who she is and what she offers, I can’t see that happening. But she lusted after structure and rules and someone to say ‘you can’t fail if you do it my way’.

I so get that. I wanted someone to clear away all the noise that exists online and all the voices in my head that say “you don’t know what you’re doing and everyone else does and you will fail”.

Maybe she will make it work for her. She is an amazing dynamo who usually trusts her inner knowing and follows it, convention be damned. Of all the people for whom this kind of program wouldn’t work, it would be her. Thing is, the fear of not being able to do this (create a thriving business) kicks us all in the ass. And that’s how these big dollar programs call you in – through that fear.

Fear is primal. It gets you to move when nothing else will. It did for me, it did for her and for so many millions of others, in all kinds of ways, fear is the ultimate motivator.

So, I understand. And I also understand that it is part of her path at this point, as it was mine at another point. Since it’s not my place nor was I asked to give permission / opinions, as her friend, I only asked her to make sure her needs were addressed and to keep her self-authority and trust her inner knowing like she has for most of her life.

My (current) client found some online thing where they add your story to a compilation book to be published and help you market the book, etc. The marketing was all about being a published author, getting your story out there, all the opportunities that will open up for you as a published author and how it will bring you tens of thousands of clients and they help you build your site, blah blah blah.

BLECH!

Here’s why I blech: this lovely woman also doesn’t yet have a clear idea of who she is or what she does. She has desires and we are working on narrowing that down into a form that speaks to what she does to support others. But she is not in a space in her business to do this. At all.

This is what spoke to her: someone will help me build my site because it overwhelms me to do it. And that’s almost the same thing as my first client. Someone will take my hand and do this with/for me so I don’t have to deal with what comes up as I dig into it.

Again, I get it. (This is the challenge of being a 29 degree Libra – I see all sides of all the sides.)

As her coach / mentor, I’m not there to make decisions for her. Do I think it’s a monumentally bad idea? Yes. I think she’s thrown away $3000 on a pipe dream she can’t fulfill right now. And it will crash her into hard overwhelm and derail her in serious ways.

But my role is to support her decisions and walk with her on that path, as others have done for me along mine.

(I wish someone had spoken up but when I think back on it, they did and I chose not to listen. So, also a stubborn ass in pursuit of not feeling the fear channel that was playing 24/7 in my head)

One of the points of all this whining is that I see myself in these choices.

I see myself four years ago, scared that I didn’t have what it took to make this work. (I still wonder that, sometimes)

Scared that I didn’t trust my own self enough to figure it out.

Scared that I’d be seen as a failure somehow and if I stood under the wing of someone who did know exactly how to do it, I’d surely succeed.

Instead, I crashed and burned. Hard.

It taught me that I am not one who can live in a box very well. I don’t like people telling me it has to be done this certain way or you’re wrong. I don’t like hiding what it is I can really do so I can be more palatable to others. I’m not a glitzy, glamorous girl. I’m a casual chick who needs a ton of freedom, quiet, peace and joy. A six-figure business is not my dream. A business that helps others, allows me to bring out my wonderful skills and allows me to connect with people and oh yeah, make a profit too – that’s my speed.

So, a mirror is being held up to remind me of who I am. And where I was. And how I’m no longer there now.

General Blatherings, Light Bulb, What's that about?

It’s a breakout year, I think!

April 12, 2016 Written by Lisa

2016 is turning into a year of one revelation on top of another. And I think I have finally found a way to bring all of me into everything I’m doing.

See, this has been an issue a good part of my life. Show this person part of you, that person a different part and a completely other part to everyone else. I think I’ve mentioned that there is ONE person (seriously) who has ever seen all of me and that’s my long-time pal Charlie. The older I’ve gotten, the more I felt I needed to tuck parts of me away. Parts I didn’t think others would like or feel comfortable with.
And while I’ve been doing that inner work to bring the pieces together for years, much of who I am has stayed in its own compartment out of fear. I didn’t know that I wanted to show it all or even how.

dare to be powerful Thanks to the Coherence Lab (plus all the inner work), I have FINALLY come to a place where I can not only make sense of all this but begin to allow the fear to wash away and allow love to take its place.

I know what my work here is focused on now much more clearly and am figuring out ways to take it out there in the world in a bigger way than before. And it’s all about what I’ve been seeking to do all these years.

Back in the day, when I was with an ex-boyfriend, I used to tell him “Just be who you are!” when he would pad his resume with things he had not accomplished. When you are fully you, people can see that and appreciate it.

That phrase has been running through my head over and over and over. It’s been the cornerstone of what I’ve been working on with my coach for many years. How to be fully who I am in this world? What would it take to remove the relative safety of those compartments and let people see all of me?

And voila! It seems to have come together with lightening speed since the great bronchitis debacle of 2015.

Spiritual practices I did in 2004-2005 have come back to me, sort of like they just floated back in. The piece about criminology and detective work swooped in and fell into place. And the key piece to my business (be who you are) got locked in (finally!) because I was ready to own it in my own life.

There are still so many other joyful things that have yet to be revealed but I feel like I’m showing up and being me (not parts of me). Snarkypants has always been one outlet but I do censor what I write here because sometimes I can think crappy things about people I love and it’s not something for public consumption. I realized, though, that I do have a lot that IS open to public consumption and that I’d like a wider audience.

So, that’s what I’m doing. I set up a public FB page (not a personal profile but one for me as a way to share more openly than my personal profile has) and you are welcome to check it out and see what’s what. I’m just getting started so mostly sharing deep thoughts, songs from my BIGNESS playlist and some other stuff. As time goes on, I’ll talk about the mystery novel I’m plotting, life as a profiler-wannabe and other stuff.

I’m even considering writing a story to post on Medium.com about how Making a Murderer led me back to my real self.

Who knows? But I finally feel that I am settling into the me-ness of ME. LOL and it’s all good.

(It dawned on me that, unlike other blogs I read, mine focuses on ME and my growing pains and sekrit boyfriends and whatnot. Thanks for reading all this time. Witnessing someone’s inner journey can be a tedious process so know that I appreciate those who check in now and again, leave comments and generally love me as I am.)

General Blatherings, Happy Stuff, Light Bulb, True Fax, What's that about?

Say What???

March 7, 2016 Written by Lisa

You guys! YOU GUYS! Oh my God!

You know that I’ve been all wound up deep into the “Making a Murderer” saga, right? And spending beaucoup time on Reddit reading all about it, right?

I knew that this fascination went beyond the documentary and Steven Avery but I didn’t know why or how. (I still don’t but it’s gotten clearer.)

Welp. Here’s the deal – the term “behavioral forensics” floated in front of me and as is my wont, I googled it. First result up: Behavioral Forensics Institute.

That looks interesting, I thought and proceeded to check it out. Apparently, it’s a online certification for (guess what?) behavioral forensics. I look at the courses and see this:

– Introduction to Psychopathology (Mechanics of the Criminal Mind)

– Recognizing Abnormal Psychology in Global Cultures

– Understanding Classified Psychological Autopsies

Oh dude! I. AM. SO. THERE!

Apparently, you have to apply and if you’re accepted, you’ll receive a grant to cover tuition costs because they are in the final phases of a pilot program. My Guides whisper “apply” and I’m all WHUT? Apply why? How does this even fit in with what I’m doing. “Apply” they said again and since I’m not one to ignore them, I did.

The next day, I decide to call them and see if they’re real. (If you know me, you know what a BFD it is for me to pick up the phone and actually speak to someone.)

No answer. AH HA! Scam!

Guides said “Try again”. (Dammit)

I call again and this time a gentleman answers. He’s very nice and responds at length to all my questions. He tells me that just 4% of those who apply get accepted. FOUR PERCENT, yo! I have no chance, I think. After more questions, he tells me that they make a decision on all applications received this week on Friday and I’ll know later that day either way.

Turns out “this nice gentleman” is the Executive Director of said institute and is, in fact, the person in charge of deciding who gets in. He happened to answer the phone when someone at the front desk went to the rest room.

Oh come on, Universe! How obvious can you be????

I still have no fucking idea what I’m doing or why. Like when my chubster ass did Crossfit for six months back in 2013, I’m just walking along with a blindfold and trusting.

So, yes. I got into the Behavioral Forensics Institute and am currently taking the certification for Forensic Technician. As long as I continue in the program, I can take all the certifications.

I feel like there’s some intersection between this and my intuitive skills but that’s all I’m getting at the moment.

Like I said, when my guides point me in a direction and the doors fly open so swiftly, I pay attention because bad shit tends to happen when I don’t.

Also too: #SekritBoyfriend and #OfficialHusband got to meet and it was lovely. More deets to follow.

General Blatherings, Happy Stuff, What's that about?