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I know, I’m a bit behind. But I wasn’t moved by Day 14s question and that jammed up my troof. Seriously, do not read Gal’s letter to Bill Clinton. (her damn writing is giving me a complex!) While I don’t feel quite the same way about former President Clinton, I would agree with her on a good deal of it.
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Dear Hal,
I’m not sure what happened but in the blink of an eye, you went from really cool dude to weird dude who seems to crave attention. I know this is actually more about me and how I felt you weren’t paying attention when I was talking to you after your show (finally, I admit it) but it’s not been the same since. I still think are funny as hell and am still amazed that one person’s head can hold that much info. But my love affair with you has ended. Probably for the best.
Let’s just go our separate ways and maybe our paths will meet up again.
Love (or not so much),
Me
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
That would be the internets. Just today I was pondering what would happen if I blew a gasket at work and started slamming things and stabbing people. (Wait, did I say that last thing out loud? Damn. Never mind.) Duty reminded me that there are few, if any, internet privs in prison which is where my ass would be should I go all beserker on my co-workers. So, threatened with the mere thought of no internets, I calmed the fuck down and went back inside my cage. (Yep, that is actually the name of the space where I sit. The Cage. Apt, yes?)
Second to the internets would be coffee. Duh.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
My damn day job. The people are nice (mostly) but if I never, ever have to answer another phone call in my life, I’ll be over the moon with joy. Yesterday, I spent 30 minutes adding a middle initial to a guy’s 40 separate accounts because he would be very upset if his initials were not separated by a space on his statements. (See what kinds of things preoccupy the minds of those with money? This kind of shit.) I am so so so ready to just be done with that job.
I remember when I worked at another firm and knew it was time to leave by this one simple conversation:
Client on phone: my account balance is off by 30 cents.
Me: Uh, what? 30 cents?
Client: Yes. Where’s my 30 cents? You people are stealing from me.
Me: Dude, I will mail you 30 cents tomorrow if you promise me you’ll go outside and take a deep breath and contemplate what’s important. (CLICK)
I am so in the wrong field. Must. leave. soon.
(See? I told you I was in a crap mood. What’s that? I didn’t? Well, now you know.)
See, I have this weird thing that happens every once in a while and for the most part, I’ve outgrown it except when I haven’t. And now is one of those times. I can be loving on you like a big dog and then something happens (most times, I can’t even pinpoint what it is) and I’m just DONE. It’s sort of like the missing ingredient to a special recipe is no longer sold and the cake doesn’t taste as good anymore so you never make that cake again. (I hear strains of MacArthur Park playing in a galaxy far, far away ….)
Here’s the thing: Even though I know better than to believe crap spewed on the internets, I read something right before I went to see his show. And I don’t know why, but it stuck in my head. And I saw him in a different light from then on. It’s probably not true or a version of true but it was like a light switch flipped and, as BB King famously said “The thrill is gone, baby.”
He’ll be shattered, it’s true. I mean, losing the lust of some farty old chick in Maryland is pretty horrendous. That’s a given. Quite frankly, I don’t know how he’ll go on. But he will. We all do. Somehow. Some way.
Cookie hasn’t done anything untoward (in real life or some chick’s goofball facebook posting) and I restate my true love for all times. I should have never taken in another lovah, my sweet Cookie. Can you forgive me?
After some back and forth with gay boyfriend Charlie, I decided that I’d blow past my depression ditch and go to see the Hal tonight. Don’t know what my issue is but I do have one. My depression always manifests as apathy and when I decide to blow off not one but two sekrit boyfriend events, I know I’m in the throes of it.
I really, really want a picture with him because I have (a crappy) one with Cookie so I need a (non-crappy) one with the Hal to round out my collection of stalkings and whatnot.
Heading out to the docs this morning (my own doctor this time who is not as Gorgeous McCuterson as Duty’s is) for some med checks. (I was going to write about it but got bored thinking of it and hell, it’s my own stuff so I’m not gonna bore you all with it.)
Look for a picture (I hope) of me and SB2 to follow. That should (should!) cheer my ass up!
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So, yeah. It’s (almost) Friday. I’m glad. Maybe this week of WTF will be at a close. The only good thing I can say is that I have done 15 mins on the bike each day. Duty just had to shame me into it once.
On the dissonance front: it continues. However, after lots of chats with my guides and input from friends here (thanks Jody and Gal) and from my woo-woo buds at Democratic Underground, I’m going with this possibility: It’s their weird shit to deal with and I’m just the one noticing it. That works for me. Duty gave me some advice when I was whining about it last night: Let it go. And while that’s not my preferred way of handling things, it IS something new for me so I’ll try it.
I’m using my copious down-time at work to write a post for PI on ceding authority to your Guides in Spirit and how they wouldn’t let you do that anyway. It’s a response to Rose’s post where I talk about what my experience has been in that arena. I’m also practicing my own self-authority by not worrying if people think I’m a slack ass or not and giving thanks that I have a job where I have lots of independence. I’ll let you guys know when the post is up (probably this weekend).
And one last comment: Since I fell in love with sekrit boyfriend, anyone else after that seems so fake. I think my heart is closed to all but DC and HS (and I’m not even sure how Hal managed to get in there! Brains, arm porn and humor carry a lot of weight with some chicks. heh) Watching Idol is so lame, even *I* don’t know why I’m doing it. Poseurs, all of them. But not my cookie!
Happy Friday to my blog buddies! I luf you all!
but putting it up here anyway. My mom would appreciate it.
Presenting Hal and a snake:
(A more appropriate post later)
Sunday Stealing: The Question Meme
01) Are you currently in a serious relationship?
Well, *I* think it’s serious but neither Sparkela nor Cookie will return my calls so perhaps I am misguided in thinking this. I’ll let you know later.
02) What was your dream growing up?
To be thin because I believed (mistakenly, as it turns out) that your life is perfect if you are thin.
03) What talent do you wish you had?
I’d love to be able to draw reasonably well. I can barely eke out stick people and have no ability to envision something in my head and bring that vision to life on paper or computer.
04) If I bought you a drink what would it be?
Well, since you asked, I’d love a cosmo, please. That drink just blots out all the crap in my brain and leaves a nice residue of ahhhhh! for me to enjoy.
05) Favorite vegetable?
I like broccoli. And tomatoes. Corn is nice, too. (Don’t make me choose.)
06) What was the last book you read?
All the way through? That’s a toughie since I read a lot of non-fiction and skim through it for stuff that interests me. It probably was “Breaking Dawn” – the last in the Twilight series.
07) What zodiac sign are you?
See #5? I have trouble deciding things. That makes me a very typical Libra. All about balance, I am.
08) Any Tattoos and/or Piercings? Explain where.
My ears are double pierced but I never wear the second set. No tattoos but contemplating one in memory of my Goddaughter of Love.
09) Worst Habit?
Singing to my pets. I don’t think they are very fond of it. I make up songs about food or walking up the steps or really anything. I’m pretty sure they put up with me for the treats.
10) If you saw me walking down the street would you offer me a ride?
Do you look anything like David Cook or Hal Sparks? How about Jon Hamm? If so, I might be inclined to pull over.
11) What is your favorite sport?
LOVE hockey! Cannot watch other sports now as they are just too damn slow.
12) Do you have a Pessimistic or Optimistic attitude?
I am POP-timistic – mostly optimistic for others but at times pessimistic for myself. If you were to hang out with me, I think you’d find me mostly cheerful and optimistic.
13) What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator with me?
I don’t know you but I’m pretty sure I’d look to you to commiserate with me about being stuck.
14) Worst thing to ever happen to you?
Losing Lauren to cancer. She was like my own child and best friend wrapped into one and while it’s mellowed a bit now, there’s not one damn day I don’t think of her or miss her so. I can’t wait to see her again when I am on the other side.
15) Tell me one weird fact about you.
Just one? Hmmmm. I can sleep just fine with four cats sleeping on top of me. In fact, I think I sleep better that way than without them.
16) Do you have any pets?
Currently, we have two cats (Lucie and Sophia) and one (healing up from his April chomp) dog named Max. My kiddies.
17) What if I showed up at your house unexpectedly?
I’d be very annoyed. First, I don’t know you and second, I really hate visitors – especially drop-in ones. The house is always a dreadful cluttery mess and I don’t want anyone to see that.
18) What was your first impression of me?
Well, you seem nice but a bit nosey.
19) Do you think clowns are cute or scary?
I don’t like clowns overly. And most especially NOT Pennywise. EEK.
20) If you could change one thing about how you look, what would it be?
I’d lose the chubs. Tired, so tired of fighting it.
21) Would you be my crime partner or my conscience?
Is it possible to be both? I’d join in on the fun but I’d take pains that we didn’t get in a whole lot of trouble. (There’s that Libran balance thing again.)
22) What color eyes do you have?
The kind that change color if I’m crying or something – they’re mostly hazel/brownish/greenish.
23) Ever been arrested?
No and if I did now it most likely would be for some peace demonstration or something like that.
24) Bottle or can soda?
I think canned soda has a really icky, metallic taste. Much prefer bottles.
25) If you won $10,000 today, what would you do with it?
Pay off my credit card and send money to my Aunties.
26) What’s your favorite place to hang out?
The couch. Isn’t that sad?
27) Do you believe in ghosts?
Without question. Yes, I do. They don’t scare me unless they are demon ones and then I’ll call in the big boys (Archangel Michael and his crew) to do the heavy lifting out of my zone. So far, have not had that experience and don’t want it.
28) Favorite thing to do in your spare time?
Fart around. Write. Read. Pet my kitties. Mostly, fart around.
29) Do you swear a lot?
Depends on where I am and who I am with. You know I feel comfortable with you if the F word comes out.
30) Biggest pet peeve?
People who don’t pay attention. Like those who wait until their groceries are all rung up and bagged before they pull out their checkbook or wallet. Yes, you really do have to pay for all that stuff. I’m the kind of person who has the check all written out ahead of time and/or has my debit card at the ready.
31) In one word, how would you describe yourself?
Sweet. (And dorky and 12)
32) Do you believe/appreciate romance?
I do but not the syrupy “Schmoopy” kind of thing. When we first dated, Duty would sit on the same side of the booth with me at restaurants. I hated that. HATED IT. I don’t like feeling all crowded in. But I love when he brings me flowers at work and tries to sneak out or when he does little sweet things.
33) Favorite and least favorite food?
Love mashed potatoes and hate liver (although I’ve never had it. The idea of it grosses me out.)
34) Do you believe in God?
Without question. But not the idea of a God who hands out presents to the good ones or punishes you for some sin you committed. I believe in a Universal oneness and we are all a part of that. There are many, many life paths and lessons along the way and we are infinitely supported by the Universe in learning those lessons. Bottom line – I believe in a force greater than all of us. I see it every single day and I am glad to be a part of it all.
… but that doesn’t stop me from posting! Oh no it doesn’t! I gots all kinds of disjointed, go-nowhere thoughts such as:
Had baby-holding fail today: went to visit the Godson of Love who really should be re-named “Screamy McScreamerson”, bless his bitty 3 week old heart. I can tell that it’s going to be some work to get in some good holding with him. But, that’s the work of a Godmom, yes? (And he is so damn cute. Button nose and all. I loves him.)
Lunch with good friend Charlie FTW!! We had fun talking and talking and talking on Saturday. I feel like I’ve known him forever and I have, just about. It was such big fun that we are doing it again in May!
Movies from Netfilx I’ve started watching but gave up on:
1. Network - I know it’s prescient and shit and I get that it’s one of “the great ones” but I thought it sucked ass and I made it about an hour in and just gave up. I despised Faye Dunaway in it – I think she won an Oscar for the performance but I really thought it was just fake, fake, fake. Blargh.
2. Capitalism, a love story – I like and respect Michael Moore (I have to, it’s rule number 4 in the “How to be a Good Liberal” Handbook) but this movie depressed the shit out of me. Made it about 45 mins on this one. It just reminds me of how horrid things were/are and I can go down that hole any day of the week.
I dunno. It seems as if the movie is acclaimed and a success, I probably won’t like it. It’s a rare one that gets me to the theatre anymore. I didn’t like “Up in the Air” but that could be due to my intense dislike of smarmy-ass George Clooney. Who knows? I think I should stick to television shows although I gave up on two from Netflix as well: Breaking Bad (first ep depressed me) and The Wire – watched two eps and those left me confused. Maybe I’m not as intelligent as I think I am. Maybe, just maybe, watching American Idol has turned my brain to mush. Hmm, ponderables.
Oh, and I can’t watch any of those hoarding shows either – they don’t do any discussion (or at least not very much) of the pathology of the problem. Intervention gives you good backstory so you know why the subject is into drugs hardcore. (I remember one dude who grew up with a mother who had many miscarriages. She kept the miscarried fetuses in a jar in the closet and took them out from time to time to torture him and his sister. I have to say I cannot blame this man for turning to drugs. That is hellish, isn’t it?) Thing is, I need to know WHY they are doing this hoarding and that is never really answered. Also too, I look around my room and realize that some might think I have a similar issue to which I say NO! I can still see the floor and stuff so shut up with your hoarding interventions and scoot! You won’t find any half eaten cheese sammiches in my bedroom. Just piles of books and clothes. And dust. Occasionally a cat.
Dreams have been hella busy and weird since I got back from the animal essences workshop two weeks ago. Recently, I dreamed I had sex with sekrit boyfriend #2 (Hal) but I didn’t remember it – just remembered he told me about it. Can you imagine how disappointed I was? Hearing about having sex with Hal is not the same at all as remembering the actual sex-having. Damn dreams.
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