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Hell has truly frozen over

February 15, 2010 Written by Lisa

How do I know this? Because I AM CLEANING. Yes, friends. It has come to this. This weather has driven me to the brink of insanity and I’ve read, blogged, surfed, shopped and watched some bad movies. There is nothing left to do but clean. I can’t even believe I am saying that.

Family members are now coming out of a state of shock, I know it. I have a (deserved) reputation for abhoring all manner of cleaning and only do it when I am expecting people to come over (and then I do it half-ass). I’d like to blame it on my mother and her crap example of being domestic and I’d do so with some impunity since she’d not around to argue with me but I just can’t. She worked her ass off taking care of me and my invalid (blind and then double amputee) dad all while working a full time job. So, she gets a monster pass and I have to own this one myself.

I am at home in clutter (although I am becoming less tolerant of it as I grow older) and don’t feel compelled to have a sparkling house all the time. Never has been a priority. Which is sad, I suppose. In my fantasy life (the one where I share in carnal pleasures with Cookie and Sparkela*) I love cleaning, am thin, tall, intelligent and full of joy all the time. (And insane but quietly so.)

Nope, I’ll never be someone who enjoys cleaning. I’d rather work overtime and pay someone to come do this for me. I suspect it has something to do with my challenge of living in this dense third dimension. Perhaps if I did it more, I’d become more grounded. Good hypothesis – wonder if our scientists will carry out some research.

Okay, back to cleaning the kitchen. I’m rocking the tunes (which helps immensely) so it’s not too bad. Currently playing on the iPod of love and cleaning: “Working day and night” – MJ. Great song. Always gets me moving.

Happy Monday!

(*tm by The Gal Herself)

General Blatherings, Hell freezes over, Snowpocalypse

David Cook, Enough with the snow already, I did stuff!

All you need is love

February 14, 2010 Written by Lisa

I decided to go back and review all my Valentine’s Day entries on ye olde Snarkypants to see what I’ve said in the past (because I am just that infatuated with my own writing). When I wasn’t blathering on about the Goddaughter of Love (who seemed to be the focus of many posts), I was writing about things and people I loved. I decided to continue in that tradition today.

And now I present to you:
Things and people I adore and the reasons why
(circa February 2010)

1. Thing: raw milk – mmmmm! This is my newest yumminess and it is awesomeness in a bottle. I got just a half gallon of it to make sure I liked it and once I had a glass, I was hooked. I think my body LOVES the Vitamin D in there because I totally crave it now. This last time I ordered a gallon so we’ll see how long that lasts.

2. Person: My friend Christine who has the dearest heart of almost anyone I know. She’s sweet, fun and just seeing her face and her smile always makes me feel loved. I remember meeting her about 4 years ago and just really wanting to be friends with her. I gave her my phone number and when she called, I was so so happy. She’s one of my closest buddies and always a good woo-woo guinea peeg.

3. Thing: my laptop – my constant companion, holder of all my Cookie photos, podcasts, and internets (which I love with the heat of a thousand million white hot suns) – bury me with it because I can’t go anywhere without my computer. Not even Heaven where I hear there’s unlimited internets.

4. Person: my muse – for a bunch of reasons but especially because they help stir up that creative second chakra energy even while laughing at my 12 year old Cookie crush. A world class champeeen woo-woo guinea peeg who halfway pays attention to what the guides say (heh) and who gives me all the worship one High Priestess of Woo-Woo deserves. :)

5. Thing: I’m going to put my cats in here even though they aren’t “things” per se. They are as follows: Miss Lucie, my snuggle bunny and Miss Sophia, my independent love. After spending almost six or seven months learning how to adapt to each other, they are finally on the road. In fact, the other day I witnessed a miracle: Sophia jumped up on a chair where Lucie was snoozing and instead of there being a small hissing incident, Sophia proceeded to lick Lucie’s head and Lucie let her. True, it was for about 10 seconds but hey! It’s progress. I love them both, even if Lucie can’t quite figure out why peeing in her box is preferable to the plastic surrounding it (for just that reason) and Sophie thinks that going out into the sunroom in the winter is like going outside. We let her have that fantasy. It’s cold out there anyway.

6. Person: Couldn’t let this one go by: My two sekrit boyfriends: David Cook and Hal Sparks. Love Cookie’s voice, arm porn, sweet nature, laugh and (ahem) fanbase. Love Hal’s intelligence, quick wit, ability to be totally comfortable with who he is, arm porn and his accessibility. It was immediate love with Cookie but Hal totally won me over. I feel very balanced in my love/lust for these two men.

7. Thing: my really wonderful california king size bed that I share with just Sophia. Duty snores and has weird bedtime habits (or maybe it’s me who has them) so we sleep in separate rooms. Pretty much always have because only children who get married really late in life prefer it that way. Mostly because I can read when I want, toss and turn, sleep sideways, and generally let my guard down there. You’d have to be pretty amazing for me to sleep in the same bed with you for any length of time. (Hal or David would win hands down. The rest of youse? Aww hell naw!)

8. Person: Neighbor Greg – he may be a redneck who smokes and drinks with the best of them but we have been beyond blessed to live near his family and be a part of their life. He drives me crazy by explaining EVERY FUCKING THING to me (it always starts out “Now, what ya wanna do is ….” and what I mostly wanna just do is roll my eyes and scream). Yet, my inner voice knows that if I listened once in a while, I’d learn something. Plus, he came over at 10:30pm one night to get a mouse that died in the living room while Duty was off on a work adventure. (ICK!) Can’t beat that. He’s a good man.

And now, I think I will take myself shopping for some socks with hearts on them. I love them! heh

Cookie Love, Happy Stuff, Lauren, Lists and more lists, Secretly 12 years old

Arm porn, David Cook, Neighbor Greg, Woo Woo

Oh, it is ON bitchez!

February 8, 2010 Written by Lisa

Dearest Darling Queen Mimi had the nerve to claim COOKie as her own sekrit boyfriend:

P.S. We have the same secret boyfriend. Mr. Cook is mine. Just sayin!

and I feel I must set her straight.

Did she:

* dial for four hours straight the night of the finale?
* stand online for four hours in the August sun to meet him for three seconds (most of which I stuttered through)?
* attend every concert within three hours of here this summer? (Four of them, to be exact)
* drag her ass 3.2 miles in the rain for brain cancer research?
* buy copies of his cd to give as gifts?

I rest my case. I’d go on but I’ve already embarrassed myself beyond what I normally do for this blog. Can’t have you peeking too closely into my inner world, you know.

Therefore, I claim him as my sekrit boyfriend even though I am neither younger, blonder nor thinner and cannot possibly be what seems to be “his type”. That’s why it’s a sekrit – he never has to know!

I was pondering this while I was snowbound this weekend: would it be easier to be Cookie’s girlfriend or Hal’s?On one hand, Dave is young and fun – like a puppy. He’s got a tender heart and there’s really no one who has met him that doesn’t like him. He falls in love easily, I’m betting. (Especially if you’re this chick. Really, Dave. What were you thinking?) But, you’d have to contend with a ZILLION jealous fan girls waiting to either say crap things about you or steal him from you. Being his girlfriend is not for the insecure. (So, yeah. That’s not me.)

Hal, on the other had, at 40 has been around a bit. And while there’s a bit of puppy playfulness about him, there’s also an awesome mind full of facts and ideas and funny stuff. This intrigues me. I couldn’t hope to keep up with him but it would be interesting trying. So, while I’d be lured by his mind, his humor and his arm porn (second only to Cookie’s), there’s the fact that he’s hard core straight edge which means no drinking (see? I couldn’t get him drunk and take advantage of him), no smoking (fine with me) and … he’s vegan. Now, he’s not pushy about any of it from what I can tell but there’s no way he’d hang with cookie-snarfing me. Just no way.

What to do? What to do? In my case, nothing. I’ll just continue to adore them from afar and revel in pictures of arm porn, fanbases and smiles. Oh, Gal, btw – Hal actually DOES sing but it’s some thrash metal and I cannot judge how good it is because I am old and it all sounds like noise mostly. Check this out – it’s the acoustic version of “She waits” – it’s really, really good. Not metal at all.

Bottom line: I love them both (one a little more than the other, as you know) and am happy to be a fangirl of the highest order. And yes, I’m dragging my ass for hope again this year (hopefully NOT in the rain!).

Cookie Love, General Blatherings, Secretly 12 years old

David Cook, sekrit boyfriend

Snowpocalypse Saturday 9

February 6, 2010 Written by Lisa

As you may or may not know, the entire Atlantic seaboard was blizzarded upon and we have (at last count) about two feet of snow outside. Peeps are all a’twitter on Twitter about it and I’m using it as an excuse to sit around and do nothing of note. (What’s that, you say? I don’t ever need an excuse to do that? Oh, well. Alrighty then.) So, in honor of Snowpocalypse 2010, here’s my Saturday 9.

Saturday 9: I Started a Joke

1. Tell us a joke that you think is funny. If you don’t tell jokes tell us why.
What do you call cheese that’s not yours?? NACHO CHEESE! hahahah

2. Where do you buy most of your clothes?
Wherever I find something that I like. All over the place, usually. Always looking for bargains at Coldwater Creek.

3. Which famous person would you like to meet? Why?
How cool would it be to have a party with Hal and Cookie? My head (and parts) would ‘plode, that’s for sure. Just to spend time chatting with Hal and listening to Cookie sing and laugh. My impression of Nirvana.

4. What is your ultimate ambition?
To conquer the world! And beyond! Then, drink a lot of coffee with cream.

5. Do you like to live in the area of your country or would you prefer something a little different?
I like where I live … near the water, near the city. Pretty calm and peaceful.

6. Has a newspaper or television reporter ever interviewed you? If so, what were the circumstances and what did you think when you read or saw what you said?
Nope, don’t think they have. Well, my friend Charlie is a reporter and he’s asked me questions so does that count? No? Poots.

7. What was the last CD/mp3 album that you purchased? How did you like it?
Matt Nathanson’s Some Mad Hope – saw him open for Cookie in VA Beach in July and he was great! Wonderful singer/songwriter.

8. Write down 5 songs you often listen to or that mean a lot to you.
I can’t make you love me/Bonnie Raitt, Sweetest Taboo/Sade, Make Me/MWK, Wish you were here/Incubus, and for the wonderfully angelic Goddaughter of Love – Float On/Modest Mouse

9. Do you or your partner usually begin intimacy?
What is this intimacy you speak of? I know not what that is. I suspect it is sorely lacking in the life of a Snarkela.

Memeage

Angels, David Cook, Goddaughter of Love, Random Meme

Saturday 9 – TMI edition

January 23, 2010 Written by Lisa

Saturday 9: I Think We’re Alone Now

1. What celebrity in a fantasy would you like to be alone with?
Much to the shock of my (3) readers, I might have to go with Hal Sparks today. (GASP! I know, right?) He sings (thrash metal, wtf?), he’s funny, he’s like a sex ninja and he’s strongly of the same political persuasion I am. Plus, he’s smart. So, yeah. Just for today, though. Is it bad to want both him and Cookie?

2. Have ever dated a good friend?
Yes, I have. I worked with a guy back in 1983 (my first job out of college) and he was really nice and smart but not at all attractive to me. In fact, I was almost sort of repulsed by him despite liking his personality a lot. After I left that job, we kept in touch and out of nowhere, I found myself dating him! I was able to get past the physical part because I genuinely liked him so much. And he was so sweet to me. I ended up following the (really bad in retrospect) suggestion of someone and doing something unkind to him about a year into our relationship and it blew things really apart. Even though I apologized for what I had done, he never spoke to me again. Not as friends, not as anything. It is one of my biggest regrets and I have no idea why I did it.

3. What is the most embarrassing song that you like?
“I’m a slave for you” by Britney Spears – love this song. Why? No clue. Don’t tell anyone please. (Although Gal admits to a Bobby Sherman song and that tops my Britney any day! hehe)

4. What is your favorite tear jerker movie?
Hmmm … I cry at a lot of movies so this one might be hard to pin down. Off the top of my head, I’ll go with “Return to Me” because it is so so so sweet and funny. Really good performances by the whole cast, especially Minnie Driver and David Duchovny.

5. What about yourself makes you least secure?
Always my weight. Growing up with a mom who constantly (and I do mean constantly) told me “no one will love you if you’re fat” has made it very very difficult to feel lovable. Yes, I know now that it was her neurosis and not mine but I have carried it for a long time.

6. Do you believe in destiny?
I believe more in lessons that take us to various places but we always have free will to help us shape our choices. In fact, I’d go so far as to say that I don’t believe in destiny.

7. What ‘issue’ do you think your opinion is so right about that you end up trying to sway others to your point of view? The only one I could come up with is anything having to do with harming animals. I cannot even wrap my head around the fact that someone could do this. Even with something like hunting – I am appalled that people do this for “sport”. I get the food angle and if that’s all you have, well, alright. But if food is NOT the issue. Just … no.

8. What are 5 things you don’t care about?
1) Tiger Woods (still), 2) football, basketball and baseball, 3) the activities of my co-worker’s children, 4) 90% of entertainment related bullshit and 5) NASCAR

9. Have you ever been in a situation where you weren’t sure if you were seducing or being seduced?
I suppose. But if I wasn’t sure of it, how would I know? (I don’t often get seduced much. I’d like that so if anyone wants to seduce me (coughHAL&COOKIEcough), feel free. I’ll know it. I swear.

General Blatherings, Memeage

David Cook, Lists and more lists, sekrit boyfriend