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So, yeah. Recovering from a root canal – it wasn’t bad at all and the nitrous was teh awesome! I was flying around all while staying in the chair. I attempted some coherent thought and then decided to forget that entirely and just float on. And so I did. Afterwards, treated myself to a chocolate milkshake which was yummeh.

I have had a most productive week – spending most of my days learning how to blog in a more professional way. Not that you’ll see any of it here, of course. This will still be the ranty mess you’ve known and loved. I’d never give you less because you know I love you all (3).

Okay, now – go immediately to this site (called Date Wrecks) and spend some time reading through the bad personal ads they feature. I was howling at work (on the DL of course) at some of these. Prepare to lose a bunch of time, though. It’s a sinkhole of massive proportions.

That’s your tip of the week and yes, you can thank me later.

I, Lisa M. Snarkypants, of somewhat sound mind and a bit too much body, do hereby swear to tell the truth, the whole(ish) truth and nothing but the troof, so help me God.

I freely admit the following with the understanding that all this can and will be used against me in a court of law:

1. I spent 65% of my morning at work reading all the True Blood forums at Television without Pity. Even though each episode thread was more than 25 pages long, I slogged through most of them and realized that the bulk of the posts were all about how “hawt” Erik the Vampire is and what a moron Sookie is. But hey, it killed some time.

2. I spent 30% surfing websites for information on spiritual coaching so I could see what kinds of things people are offering out there. Much of it seems to be a lot of words trying to sell you stuff. I’m not fond of that. And clearly, the IN-THING is to write articles that are really devoid of information but give you fluff-filled lists. It’s crap, I tell you. (Much like my little lists here!)

3. I spent 5% doing what little work there was for me to do.

4. I spent most of the afternoon writing a new post for Practically Intuitive and it’s almost finished. What can I say? I got in a flow. Now, must edit said flow. DONE!

So, as you can see, I freely admit that I did just about no work today. Lots of people are out of the office or just coming and going at will. My ass gets paid to sit in that chair and look like I care so that’s what I do. YEY for the Internets!

Also freely admitted:

** I read all the Sarah Palin gossip I can get my hot little hands on. She’s a trainwreck of such massive proportions and I wallow in every single moment of it. I especially like The Immoral Minority because the proprietor keeps it current and has lots of juicy details. I am a shallow person but I cannot wait until Granny Grifter crashes and burns. The fact that she is where she is says more than I wish to hear about our culture and none of it positive.

** I prefer sleeping alone in my king sized bed. I’ve mentioned before that Duty snores like a maniac so he gets to sleep in the other room in the twin bed. Me? Since I’m the Queen, I sleep in the big bed in the big room. I have always slept alone even when I lived with other boyfriends. It’s what I’m used to and I will never be one of those people who cannot sleep without my partner there. (I know. I should live in a monastery, right?)

What else can I freely admit? Few things in my closet fit me. So, there’s that.

That’s all I’m admitting today. In fact, pretend I didn’t write any of this. I plead the fifth. Where’s my lawyer?

In any given day, I peruse a bizillion websites. Really. One bizillion. And I’d like to share some of that with you from time to time. Herewith is the first in a series of “What I found on teh Internets” today:

1. From Mashable - What the Web of tomorrow will look like – I thought this was really interesting given the amazing growth of the Ipod and the iPhone. Gosh, I remember the days of online bulletin boards and dialing up with a modem and here we are in 2010 carrying around a little computer in our pockets. Pretty amazing stuff. (BTW, Mashable is a GREAT site for all things web related. I follow them on Twitter too.)

2. Over on LifeHacker you can learn about the Top 10 Tools for better reading – online and off. I have not yet succumbed to the Kindle revolution. I really love carrying books around and diving into them and I spend enough time staring at a screen as it is, so I’m fine not doing that (yet). Some good suggestions in this article though. I signed up for Wowbrery - looks kind of cool!

3. Soul Pancake (an interesting site in general) asked you to tweet the premise of a classic book or movie in the usual 140 character format. Like this one: Cinderella: hourly wage life sucks until you find great shoes and magic vegetables. hope the prince really is charming

4. Who remembers Cracked magazine from their younger days? Well, now it’s online and it’s a pretty funny site. Check out this post featuring Six Ridiculous Sex Myths (that are actually true) – then email me a picture of your hands. heh

5. Need some new Twitter blood? Check out Listorious - a site that aggregates some good Twitter feeds to follow. There’s lists on politics, cinema, books – you name it, there’s a list for it (more or less). Kinda fun if you are looking to follow more than what your friends are eating for lunch and that sort of thing. (Not that *I* ever twitter anything like that, mind.)

But managing to amuse myself somehow. I can get around a bit better now and Gal, NOTHING will stop me from seeing Hal! hehe I’m hoping for a picture and one that is 100x better than the one of me with my beloved sekrit boyfriend. We’ll see.

In the meantime, this made me laugh:

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The Queen’s Meme – Duchovny Style

1. When is the last time someone did something EXtra-special for you?
One of the nice people for whom I did a reading from my Thanksgiving offer posted this lovely comment in the thread:
I want to chime in and add my great appreciation for you and for your true gift. Thank you for being of service. I would not hesitate to recommend you to others, and any reading this. That made my heart happy.

2. Name one EXciting thing that happens in your life daily. It’s pretty amazing that I get paid to do such an easy (if at times frustrating) job.

3. Tell us the good, the bad and the uglies of your online EXperiences.
The Good: I can look up stuff about anything that floats into my head. I love being able to do that.
The Bad: Picking up people’s energies from their written word. Sometimes I feel like I’ve been barfed on.
The Ugly: I’m with Gal on her People of Walmart comment. Have these people no friends?

4. What makes an ordinary day EXtraordinary and EXceptional?
Cookies!! They are the best things ever! (And possibly some pumpkin coffee too)

5. Name one embarrassing incident you had to EXplain to your mother when you were a child. I had to try to explain to my mom how my friend Lisa came back from a walk with her boyfriend Steve with her shirt buttoned up the wrong way. (We were 15, it was a party and Lisa was gone for a L O N G time. Yeah, mom wasn’t happy when she finally returned … disheveled. I mostly stayed out of it.)

6. If you could FedEX yourself anywhere in the world, where would you go?
To a beach somewhere with adult beverages, men of my choosing and mashed potatoes. Alcohol, men (of my choosing – that means you, David Cook and you too Eddie Izzard) and comfort food. That’s me in a nutshell (or a nuthouse, more likely).

7. Who would you like to EXray and why?
The aforementioned David Cook so that I can definitively answer the question as to whether size 13 shoes equate to … uh, equally sized boy parts. (Well, you asked!)

I wasn’t overly enticed by the SS that was on tap for today so I went back through the archives and found one I liked.

One of the reasons memes exist (as I understand it) is to find some new blog friends and to share a bit more about yourself on your own blog. I’m going to let you in on a peeve (which you probably already know about me). Ready? A one word answer to a question tells me almost nothing about you. For example, if the question is “Do you sleep in the nude?” and you say “No” that bothers me. I want to know why you don’t. Like, are you afraid that if there’s a fire in the middle of the night you’ll be caught running outside with nothing on in a frenzy (totally understandable reason, btw) or maybe your cat likes to lick your armpits and you have to cover them or else be licked in your sleep. (Incidentally, I wouldn’t mind having that occur but preferably by someone else besides my cat!) When I read memes, I look for the reasons why you are who you are. And perhaps that’s just my Psych major leaning. Perhaps others are just perfectly fine reading one word answers. However, if I ever do start answering these dumb questions with one word, know that my blog has been hijacked by someone much less concerned with those things (i.e.: most other people).

Herewith, I present my own personal stealage with more than one word answers (because I am picky like that):

What are your nicknames?
Believe it or not, “Dolt” is one of them. :-) It originated with a guy I liked back in the 90s (nicknamed “Hollinger” after the boyfriend of Ann Marie in “That Girl” so you can guess what his first name was) as a term of affection between us and I’ve used it that way since then. If *I* call you dolt, I really, really like you. If anyone else does, assume not the same.

What TV gameshow or reality show would you like to be on?
I have absolutely no compunction to be on television in any way, shape or form. But, if I had to choose, I’d be on “What Not to Wear” and hope that Stacey and Clinton won’t make me throw out my three David Cook t-shirts. I really, really need help clothing-wise.

What was the first movie you bought in VHS or DVD?
No idea – it was that long ago. However, I did see “Risky Business” about ten thousand times so I bet that was in the top three. To say I adored that movie is truly an understatement.

What is your favorite scent?
The only perfume I have worn on a regular basis is “Opium” – and usually the body lotion since it was softer. I prefer warm, spicy scents. Or, cookies. Also, fresh baked bread. So, what’s for breakfast???

If you had one million dollars to spend only on yourself, what would you spend it on?
I would ask to be placed in an assisted coma and put on an IV drip of sustenance. Wake me up in a month or so when I’ve lost all the weight I’ve managed to accumulate (plus bonus poundage!) and I shall re-enter society as a glamorous chick. Yes, that’s how I’d spend my money. How sad is that?

What is one place you’ve visited, can’t forget and want to go back to?
Italy. Hands down. Great food, friendly people, lots of stuff to see and do. I can’t wait to go back.

Do you trust easily?
Yes, unless a) you show me a reason not to and/or b) I get a wonky vibe about you right off. Then, no. There are people I would not trust for any reason whatsoever. Period. They could turn their life around and work every day to gain my trust (and, seriously, WTF?) and I would not trust them. Such is the case when you live by your intuition.

Do you generally think before you act, or act before you think?
In matters of a mental nature, I am definitely a thinker before act-er. Intutively, though, if I get the “nudge” to act, I don’t think it through or question it. I just do it. It’s better that way. My little monkey mind, especially when bored, can take any situation apart and look at it one hundred ways and then a hundred more and soon I am in a padded room singing songs about Elmo.

Is there anything that has made you unhappy these days?
Believe it or not, except for the poundage issue, I am pretty content in my own life of late. My woo-woo stuff is beginning to move forward, other stuff has assumed its rightful place in the background and that’s good.

In a larger sense, though, I really am concerned about the economy, those that are so hell-bent on manipulating people’s fear and emotions for their own benefit (oh hai insurance companies!) and the way things are playing out. I hate the Afghanistan/Pakistan situation and that more have to die in this stupid fucking mess. People are so scared about all of it. That makes me beyond unhappy. (How’s all that for a non-one-word answer?)

Do you have a good body image?
I shall refer you to an earlier question regarding what I’d do with a million dollars. I’ve NEVER had that. Ever. My mom had really major issues about hers and just passed that right on to me. At some point, I chose to own it and here I am, carrying them around of my own volition. I do have nice eyes and boobies, though.

What is your favorite fruit?
A good, juicy orange is tops in my book. Peaches, too. MMMM.

What websites do you visit daily?
Here’s my check-in list when I get to work: AskMeFi (love this site!), Balloon Juice political with a mix of dog and cat goofiness, DU (currently a swampland – I cannot wade into the General Discussion forum at all without wanting to slit my wrists), The Gal Herself and then I surf about mindlessly.

What have you been seriously addicted to lately?
Let’s see: David Cook (still), Twitter, and Dexter.

What’s the last song that got stuck in your head?
“Make me fall for you, as if I’ve got nothing else to do” – MWK

What is your favorite thing to wear?
My oh-so-comfy JammyPants. First thing I put on when I get home.

Do you think Rice Krispies are yummy?
Yummy is really NOT a word that fits with Rice Krispies. Yummy = cinnabon, bread pudding and ice cream with chocolate sauce. Short answer: NO.

What would you do if you saw $100 lying on the ground?
Look around to see if someone had just dropped it. And then probably pick it up, check with my guides to see if it’s okay to take it and go from there. (And yes, if they indicated no, I’d put it back down. I don’t cross my guides. For reals.)

What items couldn’t you go without during the day?
Coffee, iPod, debit card. Life is good.

What should you be doing right now?
Oh, probably something more constructive but my life is pretty free-flowing so I’ll get around to whatever that is soon enough.

Obligatory LOLcat:

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Just because:

This is from new site “People of Walmart” and damn, that makes me wish I were back in Tahlequah, OK because the sights I saw there make this look tame. Truly.

This yummy creation was found over on “This is why you’re fat” and looks to me like a big ass barf sammich. Just ewww.

Cake wrecks is where I found this bit of, uh, cake? If someone gives me something like this for my birthday, I’m gonna have to kill myself. Or eat it all real quick. So, don’t.

And it wouldn’t be Snarkypants without a LOL cat picture on a Friday so here you go:

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Smoooooch to you and you and especially you, knucklehead.