Yep, still here. I wrote this big long post at work on Friday and then decided to let it sit and marinate. Talking with my coach on Saturday helped me put all this into perspective. And, FWIW, Jody, she was right there with you on your comment to me. I totally got it. Totally. This whole week has been about self-authority. And how I assert that. Most especially, handling it when others don’t overly like me doing that (coughDUTYcough) because they are used to something different.
So, below the cut is the rest of the story (as Paul Harvey would say). Be warned. It’s long and somewhat detailed. But if you wanna know how dissonance shows up when you shift a vibration, this is a good illustration. Continue reading »
What is it about Facebook that brings out the drama queens and those who are dying for attention? I have a few peeps on my friend list who post constantly and it feels to me as if they are looking for validation or attention or … something. And there’s nothing inherently wrong with that, I suppose. It just rubs me a wonky way. We have a couple DQs at work, too, and it’s the same thing. One person periodically gets into the “look at meeeee” mode and it drives me crazy.
I tend to stay invisible (or at least sort-of invisible) and so view those on the other end of the spectrum as the aforementioned Drama Queens. Yes, it’s me being judgmental. Not very pretty, eh? It’s about wanting to be seen and much of my stuff is about wanting NOT to be seen. So, it pokes me with a stick some days.
Okay, off to ‘not be seen’ at work. Hard to do when you are the point person for the office. The Universe loves to laugh at me.
… but that doesn’t stop me from posting! Oh no it doesn’t! I gots all kinds of disjointed, go-nowhere thoughts such as:
Had baby-holding fail today: went to visit the Godson of Love who really should be re-named “Screamy McScreamerson”, bless his bitty 3 week old heart. I can tell that it’s going to be some work to get in some good holding with him. But, that’s the work of a Godmom, yes? (And he is so damn cute. Button nose and all. I loves him.)
Lunch with good friend Charlie FTW!! We had fun talking and talking and talking on Saturday. I feel like I’ve known him forever and I have, just about. It was such big fun that we are doing it again in May!
Movies from Netfilx I’ve started watching but gave up on:
1. Network - I know it’s prescient and shit and I get that it’s one of “the great ones” but I thought it sucked ass and I made it about an hour in and just gave up. I despised Faye Dunaway in it – I think she won an Oscar for the performance but I really thought it was just fake, fake, fake. Blargh.
2. Capitalism, a love story – I like and respect Michael Moore (I have to, it’s rule number 4 in the “How to be a Good Liberal” Handbook) but this movie depressed the shit out of me. Made it about 45 mins on this one. It just reminds me of how horrid things were/are and I can go down that hole any day of the week.
I dunno. It seems as if the movie is acclaimed and a success, I probably won’t like it. It’s a rare one that gets me to the theatre anymore. I didn’t like “Up in the Air” but that could be due to my intense dislike of smarmy-ass George Clooney. Who knows? I think I should stick to television shows although I gave up on two from Netflix as well: Breaking Bad (first ep depressed me) and The Wire – watched two eps and those left me confused. Maybe I’m not as intelligent as I think I am. Maybe, just maybe, watching American Idol has turned my brain to mush. Hmm, ponderables.
Oh, and I can’t watch any of those hoarding shows either – they don’t do any discussion (or at least not very much) of the pathology of the problem. Intervention gives you good backstory so you know why the subject is into drugs hardcore. (I remember one dude who grew up with a mother who had many miscarriages. She kept the miscarried fetuses in a jar in the closet and took them out from time to time to torture him and his sister. I have to say I cannot blame this man for turning to drugs. That is hellish, isn’t it?) Thing is, I need to know WHY they are doing this hoarding and that is never really answered. Also too, I look around my room and realize that some might think I have a similar issue to which I say NO! I can still see the floor and stuff so shut up with your hoarding interventions and scoot! You won’t find any half eaten cheese sammiches in my bedroom. Just piles of books and clothes. And dust. Occasionally a cat.
Dreams have been hella busy and weird since I got back from the animal essences workshop two weeks ago. Recently, I dreamed I had sex with sekrit boyfriend #2 (Hal) but I didn’t remember it – just remembered he told me about it. Can you imagine how disappointed I was? Hearing about having sex with Hal is not the same at all as remembering the actual sex-having. Damn dreams.
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I’m in it. I can haz flow, pls?
Whatever wonky Universe-changing event that happened over the past seven days seems to have left me stuck. In some ways, though, I’ve moved through a couple things that had been weighing me down but all of it seems to be stuck somewhere inside me, begging for release. Release, for me, comes through words so I can often tell more about things that I am NOT writing about than what I am.
I am still trying to process all that went on during the Animal Essences workshop. It feels to me that a HUGE demarcation line has been drawn between “before the workshop” and “after the workshop” in a way I cannot even get my head around yet. Maybe it was spending 3 days without a chance to go off on my own and just be. Of all the people in the world, my buddy Dana is one of the easiest for me to be with. So, it’s not that it was about needing to separate from her. Looking back on the weekend, I just felt “off balance”.
Then, coming home to the chaos that was the (not at all successful) introduction into the household of PDOL. Being out of a really peaceful routine where the girls and Max know what’s coming every day (as do I) and the necessity of having to shift all the pets around so as not to cause friction really messed me up. Of course, the incident with Max and PDOL really set things all wonky and I don’t think I’ve yet to move back to my old space. Probably as it should be, though. Something huge has shifted and I’m hoping the call with my coach today enlightens me.
What really feels weird, though, is how the words are stuck. (Not so’s you’d notice with this lengthy post) but it just feels different. It feels like something underneath all the layers wants to stay hidden and is usurping all the energy I have for flow into keeping things covered. Does that make any sense at all? I know it will pass but I wanted to at least get it out of my head and onto virtual paper for now.
Update on Max: Slowly but surely, he is healing up in body and spirit. His tail is now at half mast rather than being way tucked under his butt. Max’s tail is always a sure sign of how he’s feeling. He’s hiding in the bedroom less and less and that’s a good thing. Thank you sweet, sweet readers for leaving me comments on here about him and the whole situation. Gal, in response to your question about Lucie and Sophie – I can sense they are looking after him in a weird way. You wouldn’t notice it to look at it but I can feel their energy protecting him. Don’t ask me how (you always do! hehe) but I know it.
Also, a big hello to my new friend Jenn from the weekend seminar. It was true grace that we were paired with Jenn and her “Wild Horse” partner Sarah for much of the individual work we did in the group. To create the groups, all 19 of us had to pick animal cards from a bowl and the ones who had the same animal because a “clan”. Given that we all picked at different times, there were definitely forces pretty strong happening that Dana and I were a clan with Jenn and Sarah. Weird how that Universe works, but we blended together so beautifully, it was clearly divinely guided. (More about this when I write my post on the class.)
Wowza, pretty long post for someone who has words stuck in her, hmmm? Here’s a picture of Max de dogg from earlier in the week. He’s just sniffing the air as the wind blows – one of his favorite pasttimes.
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With the Gal now on her spa vacation, I feel like I’m blogging into the abyss here. Lauren and I used to joke that we’d still write even if no one read it and that is still true for me. Although I must admit that I love comments (real ones, not the ones that say “fun! come visit my site. Bye!” I don’t like those), I’d still be here writing away even if no one was out there.
Anyway, I decided to just pop off about a few things tonight.
1. I love my wee godson and it’s awesome that, as Godmother, I get to hold him as long as I want (and as long as Cousin O’Cool lets me). This makes me happy because I could be a professional baby-holder, I love it that much. I wish they still let volunteers into the nursery to hold the babies but some idiots kept trying to steal them and that’s just not good. Anyway, I am happy that I will have a summer full of baby-holding and playing. Awesome!
2. I have always perused personal ads because as a student of human behavior, I find it fascinating to read how people present themselves. I often wonder who is responding to ads that say something like this: “Looking for a chick. Hit me up if you’re interested.” – wha??? Way to stand out there, buster. Also, I saw one that said he was (I only wish I were making this up) “in serious need of vagina”. ::boggle:: Enough with the smooth talk, hey? I wanna know what kind of woman responds to that ad. If my jobs as full-time baby-holder and woo-woo chick don’t pan out, perhaps I should assist those who are, shall we say, a bit challenged in the “how to describe myself in an ad so others might be interested in me” arena. Why, I could hold a baby, talk to the angels AND write you a personal ad in one fell swoop. (I am that good, it’s true.)
3. Dear people who seem to think we STILL (if ever) give a shit about Tiger Woods and his failings: SHUT UP! Jeebus Henry – people do stupid shit all the time. Some even do it in front of the whole world and pay a totally different kind of price – can you even imagine being the laughingstock of a nation? (oh hai george bush!) Yes, I know. If you are in the public eye, try hard not to do anything horrific on that level and take a lesson from this whole debacle. So yeah. Tiger was a stupid, foolish man. There are a million more important things than who he did and where he did them and in what manner, even. Just move along, now.
4. (Caveat: yes, this is whining. Whatever.) I find it hard to stay engaged in a job I don’t care about at all. I am thankful for a job that pays well and I paid my dues in jobs that didn’t pay well and ones where I took a lot of abuse from fuckwits. However, my soul is sad and I have to really start putting energy toward where I want to go because I will go mad if I have to answer phones, fax items and greet clients for the next five years. Duty always gives me grief about my dislike of others and don’t I know that in my woo-woo practice, I’ll be interacting with (GASP!) others???? (sigh) It’s a very different thing working with someone one-on-one, working through their emotional struggles with them than it is talking to someone about the weather for the seven hundredth time that same day. I hate chit-fucking-chat. HATE IT. But if you want me to get down in the mud with you (metaphorically speaking) and work through your trauma, baby I. am. there. Isn’t it odd what floats someone’s boat? I am married to someone who would run away screaming from that and who is happy as a clam talking about the weather or what airline you flew on your last trip. It’s all in where we are comfortable, I suppose. Bottom line: Geez, I better get my ass moving.
5. Forced myself to the gym today for 30 mins of walking. My knee was letting me know that I was moving a bit too fast for my own good so I slowed it down just a bit and was fine. Hooray for me!
And now a quote I found on a forum regarding the TV show “Mad Men”. I think it’s from a book. I don’t even remember the context, just that it struck me and I’m sharing it here. (Ask not for whom the bell tolls. It tolls for thee.)
She had loved him at first, she reckoned, but he had tormented her so long with his elusiveness that she did not know, honestly, now whether she even liked him. If she had been sure of him, she might have found out. But things had never stood still long enough for to decide. It sometimes struck her that Harald would not let her be sure of him for fear of losing his attraction: it was a lesson he had learned in some handbook, the way he had learned about those multiplication tables. But Kay could have told him that he would have been far more attractive to her if she could have trusted him.
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It’s Sunday night and I’m doing a weekend head dump here. Try to slog through as best you can, mmkay?
1. Max is still doing the “Mommy, I want something.” action to me and it is frustrating. I’ve tried to connect with him telepathically and I’m not getting anything upfront. I guess I need to call in my Seminary buddy, Dana, who is a magnificent animal communicator. He just feels all needy to me. Sophia is the only one of my animals who isn’t like that and I’m pretty sure it has to do with my not having raised her.
2. Interesting coincidence(?) on Facebook – I have been following a cool weather site made up of meteorology students who have been doing a kick ass job of forecasting the MD weather this winter and follow their FB feed. They recently posted about rain coming and there were about 80 comments under that post. The first one on the list was the name of a guy I adored in college. We worked together at a local department store and also attended Towson State at the same time. I messaged him and sure enough, it was he. Married now (for 25 years!) to the woman I tried desperately to steal him from with one daughter they adopted from China. It’s just really neat to re-connect with him again after so long. He was smart, funny and I just genuinely liked him.
3. That led me to think of a mutual friend we had who I haven’t talked to in forever and sure enough, she was on FB also! I got to chat with her a bit and find out she’s had a rough couple years with breast cancer. She and I were very tight back in the early 80s – she also worked at that same department store – and shared a lot of life challenges. I’m glad to see her again.
4. Hockey on a hi-def 46″ television set is amazing!! It is much easier to see, for one thing, plus I get to watch as the players blow snot out of their nose while on the bench. This, my friends, is what HD was made for! heh
5. I rented the show “Breaking Bad” from Netflix and watched part of the first episode but it left me feeling very sad. I couldn’t finish it. Maybe my meds need to be upped in order to watch it but I’m not sure I want to even finish that ep. I felt sad and hopeless after just 30 minutes of it. (Energetic shields UP!)
6. I briefly thought about giving up complaining for Lent but realized I’d have to tape my mouth shut and this blog would go silent for 40 days. (Also too – not a big Lent follower but I did give some thought to it this year.)
7. As much as I seem to you all like some crazed stalker Cookie fan, believe me when I tell you that my engagement in that world is about a 2 on a scale of 10. I’m glad there are hardcore fans because through them I get lots of goodies: videos, articles and more.
Okay, that’s all the ponders for now.
I’d like to say that I haven’t posted since Monday because I’ve been soooo busy. I’d like to say that but it’s not true. What *is* true is that I got a new laptop and had my hair done last night and HAD to spend two freaking hours watching American Idol just because. By then, I was plumb out of creativity. So this morning I had a thought! (amazing, innit?) During my copious free time in front of a screen at work, I would write my blog post, save it to Google Docs and then upload it tonight. So, here it is.
Behold: Wednesday Whatevers
American Idol
Despite my better instincts, I’ve once again been pulled into watching this hideous show. I’m in need of some “community” and nothing creates that better than hanging on the edge of insanity that is being an AI fan. Trust me. Been there, done that, apparently doing it again. I was reading a recap over on Television without Pity and this snippet by recapper Jacob (who had a serious love/hate thing with sekrit boyfriend back in the day and was the reason I got banned like four hundred times over there) just cracked me up:
“One time the sun rose. Another time, the judges deliberated. Then it was nighttime. The lights were off in the Kodak but the judges kept deliberating. They held pictures of people we don’t know or care about in their hands, while children held hands in rooms and hotties and freaks alike sat around and acted weird. There were people in Room One. Like Kara said something was “genius” one time, and Randy said some shit, and somebody else didn’t impress Simon.”
That’s pretty much what it was like for two hours. What was I thinking? No wonder I always skip Hollywood week. I popped into the forums over on TWOP and quickly remembered why I never much ventured out of the DC forum. Those people are MEAN! Seriously. Mean. That vibration is just a bit too low for me to wade in. Blargh. I’ll wait until I have a favorite and then see what transpires from there.
Roger Ebert
Have you guys had the opportunity to read the article on him in Esquire magazine? I’ve never been a big fan (I’m not at all a moviephile) but knew who he was, of course. And I only vaguely remembered that he had some serious cancer issues but wasn’t at all aware that he’s had most of his jaw removed as a result. He is on my Twitter feed and I have to say that I find him to be one of the best ones out there. He’s on enough to be present but never too much so that you’re like “shut up already”. (As an aside, remind me to tell you about Prince tweeting. It is hiliarious.) The article in Esquire was really eye-opening and reminds me how some people find the joy in living even when some of the most basic things (in his case speaking, eating and drinking) are no longer possible.
He blogs over on the suntimes website – check it out. He writes about all kinds of stuff.
This, from the interview, is quite perfectly lovely:
“I believe that if, at the end of it all, according to our abilities, we have done something to make others a little happier, and something to make ourselves a little happier, that is about the best we can do. To make others less happy is a crime. To make ourselves unhappy is where all crime starts. We must try to contribute joy to the world. That is true no matter what our problems, our health, our circumstances. We must try. I didn’t always know this, and am happy I lived long enough to find it out.”
Go read the Esquire article – it’s not overly long and gave me a great sense of appreciation of his life, his work and beyond that, gratitude for what I take for granted each day.
Prince on Twitter
Listen, I was digging on Prince before anyone knew who he was – wayyy before Purple Rain. So I feel I have a right to tee-hee about him tweeting. First off, he typed in all caps. And what he was saying sounded oddly stilted. Like the new kid in school came over to your circle of friends and just started shouting really loudly about nothing at all. I figured it had to be the real Prince because I suspect that his social interactions with others are just as stilted and awkward as those tweets. (It’s kind of cute, actually. Like watching your child learn something new.) While he’s not quite up to Roger Ebert twitter standards, I predict that it will be a good medium for him. After all, he was speaking like that a long time ago. (“I would die 4U” anyone?)
And finally, now that I am home again, here is craptastic news: the pool at the gym (you know, my happy place??) is busted. Good thing my friend Christine strong-armed me into getting on the treadmill. I was so distraught, I almost cried right there. (Not really but I could have!) It won’t be fixed for at least another week. However will I lure myself to the gym now? (sigh)
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