Dearest Darling Queen Mimi had the nerve to claim COOKie as her own sekrit boyfriend:

P.S. We have the same secret boyfriend. Mr. Cook is mine. Just sayin’…..

and I feel I must set her straight.

Did she:

* dial for four hours straight the night of the finale?
* stand online for four hours in the August sun to meet him for three seconds (most of which I stuttered through)?
* attend every concert within three hours of here this summer? (Four of them, to be exact)
* drag her ass 3.2 miles in the rain for brain cancer research?
* buy copies of his cd to give as gifts?

I rest my case. I’d go on but I’ve already embarrassed myself beyond what I normally do for this blog. Can’t have you peeking too closely into my inner world, you know.

Therefore, I claim him as my sekrit boyfriend even though I am neither younger, blonder nor thinner and cannot possibly be what seems to be “his type”. That’s why it’s a sekrit – he never has to know!

I was pondering this while I was snowbound this weekend: would it be easier to be Cookie’s girlfriend or Hal’s?

On one hand, Dave is young and fun – like a puppy. He’s got a tender heart and there’s really no one who has met him that doesn’t like him. He falls in love easily, I’m betting. (Especially if you’re this chick. Really, Dave. What were you thinking?) But, you’d have to contend with a ZILLION jealous fan girls waiting to either say crap things about you or steal him from you. Being his girlfriend is not for the insecure. (So, yeah. That’s not me.)

Hal, on the other had, at 40 has been around a bit. And while there’s a bit of puppy playfulness about him, there’s also an awesome mind full of facts and ideas and funny stuff. This intrigues me. I couldn’t hope to keep up with him but it would be interesting trying. So, while I’d be lured by his mind, his humor and his arm porn (second only to Cookie’s), there’s the fact that he’s hard core straight edge which means no drinking (see? I couldn’t get him drunk and take advantage of him), no smoking (fine with me) and … he’s vegan. Now, he’s not pushy about any of it from what I can tell but there’s no way he’d hang with cookie-snarfing me. Just no way.

What to do? What to do? In my case, nothing. I’ll just continue to adore them from afar and revel in pictures of arm porn, fanbases and smiles. Oh, Gal, btw – Hal actually DOES sing but it’s some thrash metal and I cannot judge how good it is because I am old and it all sounds like noise mostly. Check this out – it’s the acoustic version of “She waits” – it’s really, really good. Not metal at all.

Bottom line: I love them both (one a little more than the other, as you know) and am happy to be a fangirl of the highest order. And yes, I’m dragging my ass for hope again this year (hopefully NOT in the rain!).

First off – did we all notice the luffly new section on the side with pictures of sekrit boyfriends? I especially love that one of Hal. There’s something very sweet about that photo. It makes me happy whenever I see it hence its placement on the Snarkypants wall of love (and sekrit boyfriends!).

Second off – Chiropractor today pinpointed issues of butt pain – tweakings and adjustments to follow. Hopefully, relief of some sort is on the way. He gave me some stuff called “BioFreeze” which was … interesting and cold.

Third off – I added a sidebar for the archives so you can see how far back these here blatherings go. Yep, 2002 it was. This will be my 8th year blogging – through good times and bad, I was writing. It’s a very interesting slog through my life.

In case you were wondering, I was just as ranty back in 2003.

Witness:

Okay, here’s the thing. There’s this guy that works at the Starbucks I frequent. He must be in his early 20s, sorta tall, big (in a Shrek kind of way) with this peculiar facial hair that reminds me of Bilbo Baggins or some hobbit like creature. Now, I have seen this guy in there before and I think he’s got some wicked-ass ADD or something because he cannot remember the customer’s order at all. They say it, he repeats it (incorrectly). They correct him, he says it wrong again and hopefully, the barrista person is there to hear it and get it right.
What annoys me most about this gentleman is this: when I go to Starbucks, mostly I take a book. One time, I was carrying a book as I approached the counter. ALL his attention was wrapped up in reading the title of this book. Like he goes into a trance or something, I don’t know. Recently, I was wearing my Eddie Izzard “Cake or Death” tshirt and went in there to order my usual (venti, no foam, extra hot latte). As I approached the counter, he blatantly stared at my chest.

What a tool. Seriously.

I had totally forgotten about that dude until I read that again and was reminded all over again of what a dumbass he was. (sigh) I miss the times I lived so close to a Starbucks that I could run out and get a Gingerbread latte between periods of a hockey game I was watching on television. The nearest SB now is at the Safeway a good 11 miles from my house (one way).

Remind me to post about my money manifesting project and how I used to bring in $2600 (my goal was $1500 for the month). It’s pretty cool, actually.

Obligatory LOLcat (this one made me laugh out loud for reals):

see more Lolcats and funny pictures

Saturday 9: I Think We’re Alone Now

1. What celebrity in a fantasy would you like to be alone with?
Much to the shock of my (3) readers, I might have to go with Hal Sparks today. (GASP! I know, right?) He sings (thrash metal, wtf?), he’s funny, he’s like a sex ninja and he’s strongly of the same political persuasion I am. Plus, he’s smart. So, yeah. Just for today, though. Is it bad to want both him and Cookie?

2. Have ever dated a good friend?
Yes, I have. I worked with a guy back in 1983 (my first job out of college) and he was really nice and smart but not at all attractive to me. In fact, I was almost sort of repulsed by him despite liking his personality a lot. After I left that job, we kept in touch and out of nowhere, I found myself dating him! I was able to get past the physical part because I genuinely liked him so much. And he was so sweet to me. I ended up following the (really bad in retrospect) suggestion of someone and doing something unkind to him about a year into our relationship and it blew things really apart. Even though I apologized for what I had done, he never spoke to me again. Not as friends, not as anything. It is one of my biggest regrets and I have no idea why I did it.

3. What is the most embarrassing song that you like?
“I’m a slave for you” by Britney Spears – love this song. Why? No clue. Don’t tell anyone please. (Although Gal admits to a Bobby Sherman song and that tops my Britney any day! hehe)

4. What is your favorite tear jerker movie?
Hmmm … I cry at a lot of movies so this one might be hard to pin down. Off the top of my head, I’ll go with “Return to Me” because it is so so so sweet and funny. Really good performances by the whole cast, especially Minnie Driver and David Duchovny.

5. What about yourself makes you least secure?
Always my weight. Growing up with a mom who constantly (and I do mean constantly) told me “no one will love you if you’re fat” has made it very very difficult to feel lovable. Yes, I know now that it was her neurosis and not mine but I have carried it for a long time.

6. Do you believe in destiny?
I believe more in lessons that take us to various places but we always have free will to help us shape our choices. In fact, I’d go so far as to say that I don’t believe in destiny.

7. What ‘issue’ do you think your opinion is so right about that you end up trying to sway others to your point of view? The only one I could come up with is anything having to do with harming animals. I cannot even wrap my head around the fact that someone could do this. Even with something like hunting – I am appalled that people do this for “sport”. I get the food angle and if that’s all you have, well, alright. But if food is NOT the issue. Just … no.

8. What are 5 things you don’t care about?
1) Tiger Woods (still), 2) football, basketball and baseball, 3) the activities of my co-worker’s children, 4) 90% of entertainment related bullshit and 5) NASCAR

9. Have you ever been in a situation where you weren’t sure if you were seducing or being seduced?
I suppose. But if I wasn’t sure of it, how would I know? (I don’t often get seduced much. I’d like that so if anyone wants to seduce me (coughHAL&COOKIEcough), feel free. I’ll know it. I swear.

Oh thank God for this meme! Why? That’s why! There is nothing (seriously almost nothing) that pisses me off more when visiting other blogs than people answering a question with a simple answer and not explaining the story or idea behind it. As I’ve railed before, if the question is “Who aggravates you?” and you respond “Gladys” and nothing else – what have I learned about you from that answer? I want to know who Gladys is and what she’s done to aggravate you. You may as well be speaking in fifteenth century Latin for all the info it provides me, your reader.

(My latest passive-aggressive way to handle this is to leave comments asking them who the person is and why you listed them. I do leave some funny little response below it so as to hide my rampant p/A-ness.)

So, thank God for this meme which asks you to provide the WHY I desperately crave. (I bet you $100 people have found some way around it, too. I have one blogger in mind who does this so much that I refuse to even visit her blog. She doesn’t visit here either – probably because she hates my ‘less than succinct’ answers, mayhaps?)

Instructions: Answer the Current Obession category and then explain WHY you chose that response. Easy enough? Thanks as always for playing!

Book: Right now I am reading about five but the one at the top of the list is “Dead Until Dark” – the first book in the Sookie Stackhouse series. I am also watching the HBO series “True Blood” based on the books along with it so, once again, I am immersed in the world of Vampires.

Snack: One of the gifts I received during Christmas was pretzel sticks dipped in homemade white chocolate. These were SO good! I had to hide them from myself lest I eat them all in one sitting. MMMM! They were majorly yummo.

Restaurant: I love the Thai restaurant around the corner from work and was lucky enough to be the recipient of a gift certificate there. Pad Thai here I come! (And then there I go to five hundred hours of walking on the treadmill to take it off!)

Beverage: Coffee – always my obsession. I probably drink about 4-5 cups a day but in my defense, it’s not very strong.

Decor: Anything blue or green or blue/green like the ocean because that always speaks PEACE to me.

Actor: Oh, I don’t know. There’s no one favorite person right now. Let’s go with Hal Sparks because I like him and he was in “Queer as Folk” even though I have never seen it.

Actress: I really like Amy Adams. She was totally adorable and perfect for the role in Enchanted and very cute in Julie and Julia. I think I’d take a chance on pretty much any movie she’s in.

Movie: I still want to see New Moon, Up in the Air and Blindsided.

TV show: True Blood – which I’m watching via Netflix – I have two years to catch up on. Two eps at a time.

Hobby: Are my readings my hobby? Right now they seem to be. I sure do enjoy doing them!

Band: The nice little group of boys who back up my beloved sekrit boyfriend. They are called “The Anthemic” but I think that is a stupid ass name. Some of them came from MWK and I like that name better.

Song: “Broken Strings” by James Morrison and Nelly Furtado – This one caught me right from the start. Their voices blend beautifully and it’s sort of a heart wrenching song if you’ve been there.

Meme: Any one where the main point is to answer the question with more than one word.

Blog: Aww, you know I loves me some Miss Gal! She posts often and there’s always new stuff to read over there.

Lover: Do sekrit ones count? Do fantasy ones count? Mine would be someone who would just know what I wanted and needed without me having to say it. (Isn’t that everyone’s fantasy?)

Friend: It would be nice to have one who knows all about me and loves me just the same.

Quote: “Be the change you wish to see in this world” or the flip side “What the fuck?”. Both work but in different contexts, I suspect.

Peeve: I already wrote about it in the introduction and in surfing a few other blogs who participated in this meme, I found two (of the five I visited) that couldn’t be bothered with a reason for their answer. I’m sure they don’t give a rat’s ass what I think. Still, what is the point of wasting your time on a meme? I just don’t get it.

Sport: Hockey! Blindingly Fast, fights, blood, more fights, lost teeth, rivalries and lots of fun. All other sports are for pusses.

Singer: Uh, hmm. Who is my favorite singer and current obsession? The name is right here on the tip of my tongue. I’m sure it will come to me soon. Adam Lambert? No, that’s not it. Hmm. Clay Aiken? Nope, not it either. Maybe someone out there will remember and remind me. (/snicker)

Yes, let us begin. Here are a few of my 2010 resolutions and feel free to hold me to them, k?

1. I joined a gym near my house – has a pool and all kinds of aquatic classes in addition to machines. No one there is a glamour kitty so I won’t feel so horrible going there. I will go three times a week for the month of January.

2. I’m busting out of this body that I have created and am working on crafting one that is more aligned with who I am now. (i.e. I don’t wanna be Pudge McGee anymore.) This, obvs, goes hand-in-hand with reso #1.

3. Pending his tour schedule, I plan to attend at least as many sekrit boyfriend shows as I did in 2009 (four) and of course, “drag my ass for hope” again in May just to get a glimpse of him. I need a less demanding sekrit boyfriend, ya know?

4. Continue the feverish blogging pace I kept in 2009. Keeping up with the Gal is hard work. I might even try to make it more interesting but don’t hold me to that one.

5. Put myself even more out there with my intuitive readings and coaching so that by the end of 2010, I’ll have a small but fulfilling practice up and running.

Wish me luck!

see more Funny Graphs

1. What did you do in 2009 that you’d never done before?
I fasted for twelve days in January and it was amazingly easy. Which just goes to show that when I set my mind to achieving something, I can do it. It’s the mind-setting that is the hard part for me. I tried it again in February and really half-assed it and blew it seven days in.

2. Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I’m not sure I made any other than the fasting and I did keep that one. I always make one or two of them so I’ll come up with something, I’m sure.

3. How will you be spending New Year’s Eve?
Goofing around online, most likely. I don’t have any plans because I like to stay alive and drunken asshats make that hard.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
My oldest aunt passed away in June. My other two aunts and I flew to Indiana for her funeral and it was a lovely remembrance of her life.

5. What countries did you visit?
Is Colorado a country? (hah Is it?) Didn’t go out of the US this year but did go to Oklahoma, Indiana and Colorado.

6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?
Discipline, David Cook singing to me and only me (preferably naked (him, not me)), some Christmas spirit, 40 hours a week and the paycheck that goes along with it and a thriving woo-woo practice.

7. What date from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
April 3, 2009 - my first DC concert where I was smooshed up against the stage, so close that had I brought out my inner perve, I could have had a field day touching him. I sang so hard and so loud that I had no voice for three days after but damn, it was worth it. One of the best days of my life.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
As mentioned, my 12 day fast. I don’t think I’ve ever felt that good in my body. Strong, clear … just awesome. I also walked a 5k in May with a bunch of other DC fans. That was something I hadn’t planned on but was glad I did.

9. What was your biggest failure?
When I fell off my wagon (fasting) and realized it was more fun to just binge eat, I totally went for it and gained back all the weight I lost plus. I finish the year feeling like Pudge McGee and am really, heartbreakingly unhappy about it all.

That, and I didn’t bring out my inner perve and cop a feel off DC. (It was the closest I’d get to him all year and if I had known that, I might have.)

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Fortunately, despite my snarfing, I have a very healthy immune system. My body is in good shape besides there being too much of it.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
New bras that showed off my awesome ta-ta’s to their best advantage. It was great.

12. Where did most of your money go?
For a while there, on new bras! hah (Damn, good ones are expensive!) Then it went to paying bills.

13. What song will always remind you of 2009?
It’s not one you’d know – it’s “Make Me” by MWK (a band Dave played with a bit before Idol.) MWK co-founders Neal & Andy are in his band now and they bust this song out every once in a while. I think it’s the most played song on my Itunes list. Love the line “Make me fall for you // as if I had nothing else to do” – (I secretly think Neal is a poser but he does write some kick ass lyrics.)

14. What do you wish you’d done more of?
I’m so sorry but I cannot divulge this as it’s classified information. Your life would be in danger and I would hate to put you in that position. Definitely shared on a need-to-know basis and only one person would need to know that and that person is well aware of it. (At least I think they are!)

15. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Cryptic answers like the one above. Well, YOU wish I’d done less of it, right? LOL

For reals, I wish I had not run amok with food.

16. What was your favourite TV program?
This year I was totally into “Mad Men” and “Dexter” along with staples like “Intervention”. Cousin O’Cool has recommended “True Blood” and I’m starting that series as soon as Netflix gets its ass in gear. She said Season 2 was pretty close to porn and I’m all about the porn (vampire or not).

17. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
I really don’t hate anyone. There are a few I prefer not to spend time with but I don’t hate anyone. (Dick Cheney, if I had to name names but I’ve “hated” him all along so that’s nothing new. Man is pure evil, in my opinion.)

18. What was the best book you read?
I did tear through the “Twilight” saga this year and while I can’t say they were well written, they were decent enough to pull me though four books the size of bricks. I enjoyed the ride. Just don’t name your damn baby Renesmee.

19. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Awww, you know the answer to that one! I also took a liking to Matt Nathanson after seeing him open for Cookie. He was awesome in concert. Funny and sexy and just cool.

20. What was your favorite film of this year?
I don’t see many movies in the theatre so it’s hard to say. I enjoyed “Julie and Julia” and am looking forward to seeing “Up in the air” (despite my strong aversion to anything with smarmy George Clooney in it) and “Blindsided”. Oh wait, I watched “The Proposal” and really, really enjoyed it.

21. What did you do on your birthday?
Some fam and I went to Buca diBeppo’s in Washington right before my birthday and that was a nice celebration.

22. What kept you sane?
Visits to Cooklandia, the internets, and most especially, Cousin O’Cool who, despite being 18 years younger than me, is like the big sister I never had. She’s awesome – funny, smart, really snarky and very grounded. I love her lots.

23. Who did you miss?
Always miss my Lauren. Not one day … seriously, not. one. day. goes by when I don’t think of her. I also missed my mom and grandma.

24. Who was the best new person you met?
My friend Areti whom I met at the Pathways Expo in October. I hope we get to be good buddies in 2010.

25. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009:
To really, truly effect change, I have to shift stuff in the physical world – it’s not enough to just think about it or ponder it. I have to actually take steps to move into it.

Oh, and touch David Cook while you can because you might not get another chance. heh

Sunday Stealing: The ABC’s of Meme

A- Advocate for: Peace. Or cookies. I think the world would be better off with a large helping of both.

B- Best Feature: My mind. (also, boobies. I mention them a lot because they just don’t get enough attention. heh)

C- Could do without: All this rain. I love rain but this is more than enough for me.

D- Dreams and desires: I haz dem and I’m not sharing. Oh okay. Since you asked – I dream of leaving my dumbass job in the financial services field and having my own practice as a coach and mentor to others who truly want to make profound changes in their lives and are ready to do the work. Also, I want to be tall and thin and be the secret object of one David Cook’s lustful fantasies.

E- Essential items: Laptop, coffee, journal

F- Favorite pasttime: Farting around – I have perfected it over many years

G- Good at: see above. Also, writing. (Believe it or not, I can form full sentences. Or can I?)

H- Have never tried: Smoking – never will. Bleah.

I- If I had a million dollars: I’d pay off all debts, set my three aunts up for life and go on a six month tour of Italy.

J- Junkie for: Are you familiar with the name David Cook? I thought so.

K- Kindred spirit: Gotta say, my Goddaughter of Love will always hold that crown. But she had the amazing ability to be that for ANYONE she encountered. She just “got” people on their own level and made them feel loved and understood. What a wonderful gift.

L- Little known fact: I cannot touch pictures of snakes in books. They give me the heebee-jeebes.

M- Memorable moment: Standing so close to (not-so-sekrit) boyfriend that I could touch him (but realizing that would be inappropriate not to mention all kinds of cougary).

N- Never again will I: have four cats, two guinea pigs and a dog. Good lord, that was a total menagerie.

O- Occasional indulgence: Hmmm, occasional? Having a whole Cin-a-bon. I have one maybe once a year and try not to feel guilty doing so.

P- Profession: Financial services operations – in various forms.

Q- Quote: “Take a minute just to breathe and think of everything you wanted and what you got instead.”

R- Reason to smile: Birthday cake!

S- Sorry about: being a slug my whole life all weekend

T- Things you are worrying about right now: Cashflow issues. Where did all these bills come from?

U- Uninterested in: Stupid shit about Hollywood people. Jon, Kate, Anna Nicole … blah blah fucking blah.

V- Very scared of: Gaining back all my weight from surgery twelve years ago. Will. not. happen.

W- Worst habits: Eating from boredom. And not exercising at all.

Y- Yummiest dessert: Bread pudding with vanilla ice cream

X- X marks my ideal vacation spot: A beachy place with lots of quiet, ocean, books and adult beverages.

Z- Zodiac sign: Libra (but the very last degree of it before it turns Scorpio) so while I have a big dose of being all about the balance, I am a very “behind-the-scenes” kind of chick (Scorpio influence).

** Please to forgive current affectation of “Also, (whatever).” – Over at Balloon Juice it’s used to make fun of Sarah Palin’s odd speechifying. I’ve noticed that it has made its way here as well and wanted to let you all in on the joke lest you think I suck at writing. heh