A letter to La on her birthday

Hi sweetie,

It’s a lovely day out today and I’m glad. Seeing the blooming flowers and trees brings me joy and I think of you when I see them as well. Okay, the truth is I think of you when I see anything (ha! You found me out!). As in your life you were with me in my heart, it is even more true now after you’ve moved to your angelic home.

I want to thank you for the many, many reminders that you are always with me. They help keep me focused on what is in front of me every day instead of drifting off into my sadness over missing you. Which still overwhelmes me at times but I am working through it. I still actually can’t believe you aren’t around – I think I’m secretly pretending that you are just away and being a crap pen pal. The whole thing just seems so surreal to me, you know? And yet, I know that this was the way it was meant to go down. All of it. If I hold tight to the things I believe are true in this world, and I do, then I have to believe that all of the things that have happened are lessons. We can choose to learn the lessons or we can ignore them. I am choosing to learn them and you have been one of my greatest teachers, La.

Not to deify you or anything because oh my goodness, you’d hate that. After all, you were at heart just a kid moving through life laughing, taking pictures, writing wacky comments on your blog and just living. Pretty much what anyone else does day to day. Yet, the way you worked through this illness, with that smile on your face, a sense of humor and your incredible faith is a reminder to me that guides and teachers are everywhere. Even now, I continue to be amazed at how many lives you touched in the course of your life and most especially the past few years. Amazed but not surprised. The thing that popped into my mind about it was that somehow you managed to truly “get” the essence of each person and help them feel loved for exactly who they are. You did that with me and when I looked at the big picture, I see you did that with everyone from your friends to your family (I think here of my mom and how she loved you. You always reflected that love back to her a hundredfold in a pure way, without any yuck attached to it at all. She needed that pure love, something I cannot give her. ) While it came naturally to you, know that it’s something many people are unable to do at all in their life. To radiate pure joy, love and light was one of your best gifts.

Today, your 20th birthday, I celebrate who you were and who you will always be in my heart. It is purely selfish of me to wish you were back here on this earth. I miss your presence and emails and blog entries. I miss your goofiness – which allowed my inner twelve year old to shine and feel loved. And most of all, I miss your heart – so big it couldn’t be contained. All I wanted was your highest good and my wish has been granted. Because where you are today and for the rest of all time, *is* your highest good.

I love and miss you more than ANY words on ANY pages can communicate. But you know that, right?

And yes, seriously, the force IS “really rather strong with you, Luke”.

Love and stuff,
Godmommy

ps: nothing

(Crossposted at my spiritual home on the web.)