And now, for your Thursday snarking pleasure, I present (drum roll):
1. Trader Joe’s Trek Mix – a nummy mix of nuts, cranberries and chocolate, vanilla and peanut butter bits. I can go through a fairly large size bag in 24 hours, handful by handful. I’m trying not to buy them but I cannot seem to help myself. And I am beginning to go through my closet of fat clothes, pantful by pantful. Must. NOT. buy. these. again.
2. Glenn (and yep, that’s his real name) who was (of all things) a card carrying militia dude. He followed some byzantine bible teachings, advocated separating the races out and living amongst your “own kind” and was at that time fighting the IRS about taking money out of his paycheck unlawfully (he felt) since he didn’t believe it was constitutional to pay taxes. The saddest part about this was that I was in such a desperate state at the time I dated him that I was in a state of denial about all of this (as well as various and sundry issues about not celebrating christmas (to each his/her own but where’s my presents)) and continued on. I planned a wedding when he hadn’t even asked me to marry him! Oh lord. I am terribly embarassed about this period in my life, to say the least. I wish I could say “one day I’ll laugh about it all” but really, I’d sooner take my delete key and just backspace over this whole thing.
3. Rold Gold hard pretzels – I single handedly kept them in business for a good part of 2002/2003 as I sat at my desk eating bags and bags of these things, gaining weight by the minute. Have you ever seen the number of carbs in those things?? Not a good way to process sadness and anger, peeps. Be you warned.
4. Deoderant man (can’t remember his name for reasons that shall become apparent) who was actually quite a smart dude but did this odddd thing. He said he put his deoderant ON the underarms of the shirt he was wearing rather than under his actual arms. Uh, what? I have a feeling that was but the tip of the iceberg with this kind gentleman.
5. Brownies – oh my God. I love love love these things. LOVE THEM. Want to marry them. Want to have little brownie children! MMMMM. (can you feel the passion I have for these little bits of heaven?)
6. Ned Meshmont (not his real name but way too close for words) – oh, where to begin with a fat man telling me that my weight is an issue for him. I said “I find that odd since you are sitting there across from me at least 70lbs overweight yourself” to which he responded “yeah, ironic, isn’t it?”. But he still wanted to be my friend. Oh yes! Please do! I love to be insulted by my friends!! (I shan’t go into his other issues which included a need for anything remotely sexual to be completely neat and clean. (Yeah, that’s the best way to engage in it, I find.) as well as having some of the most bizarre friends this side of the Mississippi.) Again, desperation is not a pretty thing, friends.
7. Goetze’s Cow Tails – for the love of all that is holy, DO NOT start eating these things. DO. NOT. DO. IT. Addiction times 100000. I am having to wean myself off of them slowly. (mmmmm, caramel and creme, mmmm)
8. Some dude named Richard – all I can really recall of him are these two things which were complete and utter deal breakers for me: first, at a mexican restaurant on our inaugural date, he referred to guacamole as GUATAMOLE. And he was serious!! That’s just wrong, friends. While I would have ditched him on that alone (I’m a vocab hardass), I kept on dating him. (The D word rears its ugly head.) The final straw was him showing up at my apartment one morning, throwing pebbles at my upstairs window and when I opened it up to see who was doing it, he said (and I quote): “Lisa, why ain’t you called me?” Mm hmm Why ain’t I called him, indeed. Oh, for any number of reasons but mostly because my ears are delicate and I cannot take words being mangled in that way for very long. Buh bye.
9. Mashed potatoes from Boston Market – the best cure for sadness, lonliness, desperation and whatever ails ya. When I was so so so sick a year and a half ago from some flu thingy, Duty knew just what would make it all better. He took his sweet self over to BosMar and got me some of the creamy comforts I craved. (How’s that for alliteration? La would be proud.) And yes, it DID make things all better.
10. Bad boyfriend Bill: oh my goodness. Well, he did have one redeeming quality which I won’t go into here but is probably why I see myself as 28 years old in my head. But in all other respects, he was just a horrible, horrible person. Lying, belittling, cheating … I could go on and on and friggin’ on but I won’t. I know that he was put in my life for pivotal reasons (getting me to Richmond where I grew into my adult self) but the price I paid for that was high. (D word again, yo).
11. Thin Mint cookies: I don’t know anyone who doesn’t consider these tasty treats the work of Satan (and not the Satan who plays hockey, either!). I have eaten a sleeve of the damn things at one sitting many times over. Now, I know my weakness and just don’t buy them. In fact, I buy a kind I don’t like and bring them into work so others can
12. Mark Pokrifka: a HS fix up who won my heart by uttering these words as we sped off to a dance: “See? My car has a stick shift. Girls like that, you know. Makes them feel like they are in control. ” Even then, I had a total and complete WTF? moment. I think I spent the rest of the night in the corner avoiding him AND his stick shift. (Just eww. Hope he got a better line later on in his dating career!)
13. Coffee – specifically “Dunkin Donuts” coffee. Been drinking it much of my adult life and am spoiled by it. Lots of cream and two splendas please. I’m pretty sure I could best Brangelina in donating all the money I’ve spent over the years on DD coffee to a small Namibian village. Except for the cream, the splenda and the caffeine, this isn’t all that bad of an addiction! hah
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