First, thanks to all who left me supportive comments on the lay off. Y’all are sweeties! A special shout out to Chris, my partner in crime there. He talked me off the ledge a couple times, helped me make better decisions about calls, reminded me that I say “I’m sorry” a bit too much and made life there bearable as they took away more and more freedoms.
Having digested it for a bit, I think the only question that remains was “why me?”. Why me when the dude next to me surfed the net openly, had at least five sick days over the course of six months, almost always came in late and took half hour breaks at will? Why me when there were plenty of doltish types asking questions that my damn dog would know? My ego took a bit of a beating in this even as my spirit soared to be free of that job. In other places of employ, I was always one of the ones who stayed during lay-offs, picking up the pieces and doing more and more work for the same money. This was the first time that I was one of the ones let go and it feels both liberating and weird. This was also a place where I did more actual work during the course of a day than in others. And it was also a place where I was paid a very low wage for doing said work.
So, what did I learn by being there and then by not being there? Let us cogitate upon this for a moment.
What I learned:
1. I work best in a relatively unstructured environment. Just give me my work and let me be free to do it. (Yeah, I know. Nirvana, right?) While I understand why this POE needed major structure and oversight and would have implemented the same had I been in management, it made me feel constricted. (At least I got to wear playclothes though!)
2. Forces are at work that we may never know or understand. I have had amazing success in manifesting what I want or need by really focusing my energy on it and bringing it to me. I have wanted to be free of this job for some time and had started things in motion by my work with Regina. The more I moved into that space, the less I could tolerate being at POE. So, even though I had prompt attendance, a loving way with callers, and intelligence, I was one of the first of several chosen to go. I’m pretty sure the Uni had a hand in that since it knew where I longed to be. Y’all can scoff at me if you want. I know in my heart of hearts what is true for me.
3. Mind my own business. This one was a bit of a struggle for me (and still is). It irked the living hell out of me that the dude next to me did whatever he wanted and no one said a word (that I could tell). It felt unfair to me that I had to give up the things I liked doing (surfing when I liked and whatnot) to be the employee they required, yet he did NONE of that. Each day I had to remind myself that *I* am the only person I need be concerned with. Was *I* doing the job they paid me to do? Was *I* doing it to the best of my abilities? Was *I* acting in a manner consistent with my beliefs? If so, then that’s all that mattered. So, that was a good lesson for me to work on. I don’t know how successful I was with it (see paragraph two at the top of page) but it was brought to my conscious mind and that’s a step. (One more shout out to Chris on this one. He let me rant to him in IM day after day after day and gently reminded me that even if I didn’t see it, supervisors were paying attention.)
4. It’s time to walk my talk. The Uni has given me this opportunity to go do what I want instead of whining about not being able to do it. They’ve given me plenty of skills and classes, friends to support me, teachers to guide me and now they are saying “Go. You are ready.” I am in a VERY different space than I was this time last year. I’ve experienced the loss of the one person most dear to my heart and am healing from it. I’ve renewed my relationship with Reiki and am gaining confidence in my skills. I have friends now to walk this path with me and a loving presence and teacher in Regina. I know I had to go through some stuff before I was ready to get out there and “be the change (I) wish to see in this world”. That time is now.