1. Eddie Izzard – oh you knew he’d be first on the list, didn’t you? Bloody hell! He’d wear fantabulous makeup, stilletto heels and make goofy faces at the other end of the table. He’d be the first to arrive and the last to leave (the next day! ha! as if, I know)
2. Jon Stewart – because the best complement to a british transvestite is a snarky New Yorker. Even if he never said a word during the meal, I’d be happy just to be in his energy. JonnyStew can also stay late, if he so wishes.
3. Princess Diana – because she can teach me how to project an aura of confidence even when you don’t feel confident. (True secret – sometimes I pretend I’m her when I’m in certain social situations and am nervous about meeting people. Don’t tell anyone, k?)
4. Anne Lamott – she’s such a delightfully snarky writer and I know she’d be sure to give us some good dinner discussion. Besides, she’s the only white woman I’ve ever met (and yes, I HAVE met her) with dreads. She rocks. And she can come for sketti at my house anytime.
5. Jennifer Anniston – and just shut up. I like her and think she’s purty. She can tell us what a putz Brad Pitt is (I so am not into him) and we can make her feel better about him being stuck with a psycho gf (Angelina) and 37 kids. Eddie and Jon will make her laugh and she and Di can model pretty clothes for us. (Yes, I know Di has moved on to another plane of existence. Just float on with me here, mmmkay?)
6. Al Gore – he will banter back and forth with Jon Stewart and we all might learn something. He must say the words “lockbox” at least once during the evening.
7. Robert F Kennedy – always one of my heroes. I would love to have met someone like him with such passion for the greater good. He can take the same flight in with Princess Diana.
8. Gilda Radner – truly a great comedian and just did amazing work for cancer support. She can sit next to Anne Lamott. I suspect they’d get along just fine.
9. James Gandolfini (but only if he comes in character as Tony Soprano) – I dig Tony. I think it’s the Italian thing with me. Or the alpha male thing. Or a chubster breathing heavy thing. Who knows? However, I’d be inclined to let him stay later but doubt I am his type which is probably a good thing, all considered.
10. Alex Ovechkin (star player on the Washington Caps hockey team) – all that boyish enthusiasm, tenuous grasp of the english language and fabulous thighs in one package. (fans self) Yeah, he can sit right here next to mama.
11. George Costanza (I know he’s not real but George was always my favorite Seinfeld character) – he’d bring the neurotic and act even more goofy than me on my worst day. I’d sit him next to Eddie just for kicks AND to see the look on George’s face when Eddie shows up in a skirt.
12. Jeff Probst – because he’s got the cutest dimples I ever did see and he can sit there and smile at me all night. (I don’t have high expectations for this event, can you tell?)
13. Prince – he probably wouldn’t talk or eat but he’d sure as hell put on a great show afterward. Then he and Eddie can discuss how to walk in 5″ heels.
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