Thursday 13 – Glam Squad edition

A few things I’ve learned from watching Ten Years Younger and the rest just random whining only vaguely related to the show.

(As always, to comment scroll BACK UP TO THE TOP OF THIS POST and click on the word HEARTS)

For those who aren’t aware of this lovely little show, here’s the lowdown from Damone’s own website:

As a part of the “Glam-Squad,” Damone, along with various glamour experts, transform aging misfits into thriving beauties with makeovers designed to take ten years off their aging looks in ten days. The show airs regularly on TLC.

AGING MISFITS??? (sobs) I’m not a misfit! Just aging. More like an aging goof. But not a misfit. (sobs some more) But I have learned a couple tips from this show and I present some of them herewith. The rest is just random whining. As usual.

1. Damone says always use sponges to apply your foundation. Otherwise, the oils and crap from your fingers get on your face and make your zitty bits worse.

2. Even though Jen has hair that alternates between pink and purple depending on what season of the show you catch, she still gives amazingly great haircuts and color. I’ve yet to see her give a cut that was less than perfect. And when they ask the “victim” what they like best about the makeover, 9 times out of 10, it’s the haircut/color. Jen rocks. She’s lesbian and if she can make my hair look great every day, I would consider switching teams for her.

3. Mark Montano is a little bitch. My hatred of MM has been noted on these pages before. (I’d link but I’m lazy. Trust me. I really, really dislike his punk ass.) He replaced my most beloved host – the sexy Josh Greene so on that alone, I’d hate him but oh no, it goes beyond that, my friends. “Stylist”??? WTF? My pet monkey Marcel has a better grasp of how to dress people than this goof. Plus, he’s one of the most condecending individuals I’ve ever seen. FEH.

4. Some of the guesses people make about the actual age of the person being “made over” are so completely out of the range of possibility, it makes you wonder what planet they stepped off of. (Pardon the dangling participle. I’m tired, K?) Some young non-aging non-misfit will be up there and someone will say “hmm, 65?” I just wish for once moronic mark montano would say something like “what drugs are you huffing?” (See? I can bring it all back to how lame MM is. Just watch!!)

5. Did you know that the eyebrows are the most “underestimated” feature of your face? That’s what Damone says and I believe him. There was a cool woman in a salon in Rehoboth Beach, DE who was the QUEEEEEN of brow waxing and I would periodically drive from noVA to DE to have her do my brows. Then she left. And my brows look like poo because I cannot find anyone who will do them like she did. I have asked Duty to send me to Cali for my birfday to get a haircut by Jen and brows by Damone. He laughed at me and went back to watching episode #908 of “Law and Order”. (sigh)

6. Whitening up your teeth seems to really make a HUGE difference in your smile. I’d say most of the “makeover peeps” get their teeth whitened and it’s making me hate to look in the mirror. My coffee addiction has not been kind to my enamel and if I had a spare $500, I think I’d take my butt over to the dentist and demand that whitening. Anyone know any good, less expensive way to do that?

7. Dermatology treatments? Apparently hurt like a bitch. Oh. my. God. Most of those who have the glycolic skin peels mention how much it hurt. It looks really painful. I’ll take a pass, thanks.

8. It helps to try on different style clothing than you normally wear. It might look better on you than on a hanger. (And yes, Mother. It is duly noted for the record that you’ve been telling me for ages.) So, be bold and try something new.

9. In addition to doing my eyebrows to perfection, I would love for Damone to do my daily makeup. I’m pretty sure he’s gay as well but I’d switch teams for him too. Wait. I don’t think that would help at all. Damn. Okay, just Jen then. Perhaps she can do makeup too! :)

10. The stylist they had before they got MMM (moronic mark montano) was pretty decent. I don’t know what happened to her and/or why MMM came on board but they need someone who is a bit more tactful that you-know-who. I just went back to his bio on the TLC site and he has some good credentials but I think he’s on the wrong show.

11. People are very emotional about their hair. Especially women with very long hair. Props to Jen for encouraging those who have a lot cut off to donate to Locks of Love. If you don’t know what that is, check out that site. It’s a wonderful cause.

12. This kind of show is best watched on Tivo. That way, you can fast forward past the mean comments people make about the “victim”, outrageously incorrect guesses on age, MMM’s condecending “interviews” with the poor person and the painful dermatological sessions. I stop at the part where they tell their real age (MMM: “Penny Sue, how old ARE you?” said in his best Chandler Bing intonation), FF past lasik and dermatology and get to the good part – hair, clothes and eyebrows makeup.

13. Dressing up is fun! Especially when someone else foots the bill for your makeover! :) And if someone pampers you while doing that. Gosh, can someone sign me up for one of these shows? I don’t care which one. Take pity on me. Please. I’m begging you.