I am a Libra and can see two sides to almost everything. This causes me no end of consternation in my life because I’m sure to those who carry strong opinions on things, I seem very wishy-washy. For the record, yes, I do have my opinions about stuff (politics, metaphysical things, the appropriate use of punctuation in writing) but in many instances, I can swing both ways with equal feeling. Isn’t that odd?
What am I really trying to say here? This job thing is really kicking my ass. I don’t like being a manager, I’m not a good one, I hate feeling like everything I do is wrong and it’s just not a place I want to expend my energy. Yet, we are in a position to need the income that it provides. This leads me into an internal discussion about how I am such a spoiled person. I rarely ever do anything that I don’t *want* to do. Read a book for five hours and eat cereal for dinner? No problem. I have no one to attend to beyond myself (and Duty and pets) and yet, I’m a whiny ass about things. I don’t want to go to this job anymore. And having to make myself do something I don’t want to do isn’t sitting well with the enlightened side of me who sees that there are lessons I must get before I can move on.
I see others who are struggling to provide for their family and don’t have the same opportunities I have been given and think that they would kill for this job and the money it affords. They’d take it on gladly. And part of me thinks that I should vacate it so someone like that can step into it. (There’s that Libra again – or is it just the side of myself that doesn’t want to try to slog through it?)
This mish-mash of feelings has frozen me – I move neither forward nor backward. I sit on the couch in the sunroom and play a computer game in order to escape the feelings of inadequacy this is stirring within me. And big ones they are. I am not used to doing poorly in a job and having someone constantly tell me that I am not doing it right, I don’t know the right things, I am too much in my little world to be a manager (that last part is right, I will say.) I feel I have “soldiered up” and done what I needed to do to get on a better track there but it’s still not enough. (Whine, whine, whine)
Bottom line: I feel stuck. I hesitate to take a new job, knowing that I will leave as soon as our finances allow so I can go do my healing work. Yet, staying in this place (metaphysically speaking) won’t get me to that space of being free to do what is in my heart. And right now, I am angry with myself for junking up what is a really nice life.
(Ponders the concept that meds have crapped out and this may account for why I am being extra hard on myself of late.)
Suggestions, love, good energy and a swift kick in the ass are all welcomed. (Duty usually handles most of that but I need some extra today, apparently.)