I am a Libra and can see two sides to almost everything. This causes me no end of consternation in my life because I’m sure to those who carry strong opinions on things, I seem very wishy-washy. For the record, yes, I do have my opinions about stuff (politics, metaphysical things, the appropriate use of punctuation in writing) but in many instances, I can swing both ways with equal feeling. Isn’t that odd?
What am I really trying to say here? This job thing is really kicking my ass. I don’t like being a manager, I’m not a good one, I hate feeling like everything I do is wrong and it’s just not a place I want to expend my energy. Yet, we are in a position to need the income that it provides. This leads me into an internal discussion about how I am such a spoiled person. I rarely ever do anything that I don’t *want* to do. Read a book for five hours and eat cereal for dinner? No problem. I have no one to attend to beyond myself (and Duty and pets) and yet, I’m a whiny ass about things. I don’t want to go to this job anymore. And having to make myself do something I don’t want to do isn’t sitting well with the enlightened side of me who sees that there are lessons I must get before I can move on.
I see others who are struggling to provide for their family and don’t have the same opportunities I have been given and think that they would kill for this job and the money it affords. They’d take it on gladly. And part of me thinks that I should vacate it so someone like that can step into it. (There’s that Libra again – or is it just the side of myself that doesn’t want to try to slog through it?)
This mish-mash of feelings has frozen me – I move neither forward nor backward. I sit on the couch in the sunroom and play a computer game in order to escape the feelings of inadequacy this is stirring within me. And big ones they are. I am not used to doing poorly in a job and having someone constantly tell me that I am not doing it right, I don’t know the right things, I am too much in my little world to be a manager (that last part is right, I will say.) I feel I have “soldiered up” and done what I needed to do to get on a better track there but it’s still not enough. (Whine, whine, whine)
Bottom line: I feel stuck. I hesitate to take a new job, knowing that I will leave as soon as our finances allow so I can go do my healing work. Yet, staying in this place (metaphysically speaking) won’t get me to that space of being free to do what is in my heart. And right now, I am angry with myself for junking up what is a really nice life.
(Ponders the concept that meds have crapped out and this may account for why I am being extra hard on myself of late.)
Suggestions, love, good energy and a swift kick in the ass are all welcomed. (Duty usually handles most of that but I need some extra today, apparently.)
Oh my, you are so much like your Dad (my brother) that it scares me. To say you can go either of two ways on almost any topic? Your Dad perfected that. He couldn’t see worth a damn, but oh could he talk…and talk…and talk…on either side of any topic. He had strong feelings, yes, on one side., but if it meant there would be no further discussion on the topic, he would quickly switch gears and take the opposite view. And he could argue, discuss it with the best of them. He was really something. And when Mimi (his mother) got tired of the discussion, she would end it with a curt, one word, “BULLSHIT.” We all knew what that signified, and would all just move on to the next topic!
Stay well. Keep thinking. Your Dad is proud as heck of you for who you are and what you have become!!!!!
First, Dearie, you need to know you are not alone. Second Big Stuff is happening. HUGE stuff is coming and we all feel stuck and weird right now. That supposed to make you feel better…. ;)
Did you know that your natal jupiter is in your 6th house of work?
Jupiter is the Explorer: daily routine, work and health take on great signifance in your life. You may like to incorporate your personal beliefs into your daily work and health routines.
See you are made this way!!! If you cannot put your spin on things it ain’t gonna work.
Plus you natal Jupiter is right on the Galatic Center. Guess who else is hanging our there? Yep, our friend, King of the Underworld. Pluto just went direct. I know he and jupiter are meeting up for a Super conjuction and that will take place on your natal jupiter. ALl I know is that means BIG, TRANSFORMATIONAL CHANGES. You have teaches that can help with all the in-depth meaning but I bet you already know the answer, deep down.
I am, as you know, doing something I don’t like. I can’t leave even if I wanted to. I try to act grateful even if I am not, ya know? That helps. But, girlfriend, if you can find something else. GO! Life is too short to be unhappy. I know that you are doing some deep work you just can’t see it right now. Maybe the lesson is your supposed to stand up for yourself and leave something that does not make you happy. And, ya know what, people leave jobs all the time these days.
Now that I have blabbed on…. I am sending you buckets and buckets of Love and Light! Love U!
Ooooh, I’m loving the new layout here. Great job Lisa.
Not a Libra but a Virgo here. I don’t make a great manager, mom or alpha anything in anyway whatsoever. Peeps believe that I can – but still… nuh uh… nope… not for me.
Pulling out of a rut here now… finally decided that at least once a week I’m going to give myself something to look forward to – no matter what. I’m loving it. =O)
I’m torn about what you should do because, generally speaking, I’m not someone who likes to leave jobs. I try to work things out with people first. That said, I agree with the other people who commented that life is short and no one should be stuck working for a boss who is really awful.
I guess that for me, a boss has to be truly abusive before I’m ready to walk out. Truly uncompromising and abhorrent.
And before I left, I would try to work things out, get all my ducks in order, line up a new job first, and only then, only then, would I leave. And I wouldn’t burn any bridges as I left either.
I had a recent situation not with a boss but with a friend who I felt had been very disrespectful to me. I had previously promised him that I would never end our friendship without talking to him first (in other words, I wouldn’t “drop” him by not returning his calls or e-mails). I went to visit him and he was pretty disrespectful to me – well, downright rude, to be honest, at certain points.
I decided to speak to him about this, and he surprised me by agreeing with me – he said that he had been selfish, self-absorbed, a downright jerk.
I also realized that there had been some misunderstandings between us in our communication and expectations, and they weren’t malicious misunderstandings, they were misunderstandings that just happened because of different expectations or differences in our upbringing and social conditioning, perhaps gender differences, etc.
I don’t know what responsibilities your job entails and how much room there is for compromise and negotiation. I do think that bosses are under tremendous stress these days, with fewer workers (thus longer hours for everyone) and more responsibilities than ever before because of downsizing.
That said, I’m not excusing or condoning his behavior, only observing and commenting as an outsider to this whole situation.
In the end, you have to listen to your own but, and I have a pretty strong feeling that gut of yours is very powerful, Lisa. Your intuition is stronger than that of most.
I agree with Ami – start looking. We spend too many hours at work not to enjoy it and the people there. I’ve been blessed with wonderful bosses – they ARE out there. You are too talented to be doing something you abhor. See if there is something so you can be a publishing editor on-line. You can correct grammatical errors while sitting on the couch drinking coffee…spell check doesn’t catch everything, you know.
Life is too short my friend. There are other jobs out there and you are a smart person. Perhaps at least looking for another job will help you keep your chin up. Or maybe setting a goal of at least sending out three resumes for potential jobs. Heck, aim for a job or two that even seems out of reach but looks like you would enjoy it. I have a friend, who is now a family doctor, who talked his way into medical school when his grades weren’t quite what they should be. Nothing is impossible and you know that.
Oh sweetie. I feel like the responsible thing to do is just validate that its a hard thing and not offer input but my instincts are raging here. This could be due to the fact that I was raised with a very strong idea (and with a very strong work ethic) THERE IS NOTHING WORSE THAN A JOB YOU DONT WANT TO GO TO. Please buddy, if you can at all do this, start looking for something right now! Is that at all possible? Because this is one of the most spiritually draining situations you can possibly be in (short of actually living in a space that feels like this). Its by definition abusive to yourself. Its so easy to talk yourself back into this kind of situation. Even though my dad was totally on board with the get out of jobs you hate thing, i still had that same guilt that something was wrong with me because i couldnt be happy there. Good luck sweetie. Keep us posted!
Doesn’t being a grown-up just SUCK???
You will soon know what the right thing to do is, and I am willing to bet you are having a crisis of medication that is leading to a crisis of insecurity at job performance.
I know EXACTLY what you mean about that feeling of inadequacy … I live with it daily and work for a man who is CONSTANTLY moving the bar. It seems at times like I can’t catch a break … just when I feel like I have hit my stride, he comes along and wants more from me. Oh that I had the freedom to up and walk.
However, I (we) have responsibilities (that sucky grown-up thing) and we do what we have to do.
Use your two-sided Libra balance thing to make sense of what is truly important and how to find your happiness within that realm.
I have total confidence in you. Get your meds checked out … life is hard enough without having to swim upstream against a raging wind.
I love you!
I don’t have any easy answers for you right now, Lisa. I need to ponder your situation a bit more before I am able to share anything helpful. But just know that you have been heard. I’m listening.