The Queen’s Meme #3

The Queen’s Meme No. 3 is called the Culinary Meme.

The Cooking Meme (What Is The Meaning of Thyme and Other Deep Questions)

1. If you could put thyme in a bottle, what is the first thing that you’d like to do?
Thyme waits for no one so I’d put a cork in it, put it in my pocket and go do something immediately. No telling what the ‘something’ is, of course. But I ain’t waiting, that’s for sure.

2. Do eggs really crack or do they merely have a nervous breakdown?
I think the little breakdown is when you boil them and they get a teeny crack and then the white stuff comes out and gets all gross around the edges. That’s when you know the shit’s gonna hit the fan. By the time that’s happened, it is irrelevant whether they crack or not. It’s a done deal.

3. Why are you whipping the butter? What did it ever do to you?
Bad bad butter! You are all greasy and won’t wash off in water and melt right before our very eyes. Why, I have a good mind just to put you in the closet and forget all about you! But then, you somehow manage to warm my bitty heart by slathering so nicely on the warm, crusty bread and even eaten alone, you are yummy. So, let’s not tell anyone that the kind of whipping we do in private is of the … gentler kind.

4. Do your spoons spoon in the drawer? Have you ever noticed? And more importantly, if wooden spoons spoon do they get splinters?
I just wanna know if a spoon will spoon with me. I don’t care about splinters or a chilly metallic feel. I just needs me some spooning. (And yes, I have noticed and like my life, my spoons don’t spoon. /sob/)

5. You hear: “Dumpling, my Dumpling, come hither.” The candles are lit, the fondue is dipping, the Godiva is pouring, the scallions are steaming and the music is playing…..but wait, the windows are open. Why did you close them?
Because my damn neighbors are busy either hacking up a lung (here, have another cigarette, Greg), playing bagpipes (yes, I love the song “Amazing Grace” as well) or zooming up and down the street in their dumbass faux race car. I cannot have my ‘private time’ with any kind of distractions. I can hear angels speak, so you think I don’t have finely tuned hearing? Think again. (And close that other window, would you?)

6. Do you need a recipe to cook or are you a bohemian chef? Show us your reckless and wild side in the kitchen. Don’t have one? Here’s a recipe I made just for you: You will need a spatula, a whisk, a gallon of Chardonnay, a banana and a rump roast. What is the name of your dish?
/Puts the banana and rump roast into a big pan inside the oven, turns it on and hopes for the best. Takes several swigs from the bottle of Chardonnay which then emboldens me to pick up the spatula and whisk. Chases dog and cat around the house with said implements until I pass out from self-medicating. Cat and dog have seen this movie, so they take the banana roast out of the oven and place it on the table whereup they feast for many hours. The End. P.S. I eventually wake up and realize it’s all been a bizarre dream except for the empty wine glass on the floor and a weird banana taste in my mouth. Hmmm./

Oh wait, you just wanted a name? Well then. How about Banana Pupkins?

7. After dinner, the dishes are so dirty that the dishwasher refuses to wash them. What did they say to get in hot water?
My dishwasher would never do such a thing! It knows how important it is to me and how I love on it just right so it obeys me without question.

(This whole meme has gone off on a very “Alice in Wonderland” tangent, hasn’t it?)

8. Is your pot black?
Why yes, the kettle told me so!

9. What is the sexiest spice or condiment in your cabinet? What makes it so?
I’d have to say the cumin for reasons that should be obvious to you.

10. How much crock is really in your crock pot?
So much crock that I need three separate pots to hold it all! With lids! And little feeties at the bottom! Extra lots of crock. I haz it.