I typed out a big long explanation of the issue I mentioned in the post below and after reading it all, I decided it was like foreplay that went nowhere. (Which sucks, so I’ve heard.) And it wasn’t even the issue, as much as what’s underneath it.
Here’s the deal: Someone at work “warned” someone else about me (and my woo-woo ways, apparently) saying that “the devil comes in all kinds of disguises” and to that I loudly respond “What the fucking fuck?” Me? Me? I mean, come on, at least pick something that’s in the realm of possibilities. Last I checked, I was busy feeding my birds and squirrels and chatting with the angels. I’m pretty sure that’s not something the devil would do. (Although I hear Hitler was a vegetarian and a painter so who can say?)
Last year I got a variation on it from a family member who spat it out to me in the most hateful email I have ever received. This time around it was from a co-worker and it was said behind my back. I don’t know that I will confront her because it was not said to me directly and I don’t necessarily want to stir that up at work. However, when I was thinking about it today after writing my earlier screed, it came into my consciousness that the reasons behind the comment and the vicious email were very similar. Each person saw me as trying to take someone from them that they loved and needed. And it didn’t matter that it was never my intention to do that nor did that happen. In their world, I am a threat.
So they poked at me with a sharp stick in a place where they knew it would hurt. And it did. My higher self reminds me that this is all about them and their fears: fears of losing their mother (and mother figure), fear of someone being “different” than them, fear of many things. I’d like to shrug it off. Perhaps that is my challenge: how do I handle attacks upon my beliefs and integrity even as I know the reasons behind it?
In the case of the family member, it took me a whole day to decide how to respond to her because I didn’t want to fling the shit right back at her. (Okay, I wanted to do it. I chose not to do it.) In the case of my co-worker, well, I’m not sure about that yet. I can say that any warmth for her (which was on the wane anyway) is gone. I think civility is all she’s entitled to at this point.
I get why both these women attacked me. And understanding that, I’ve worked hard to find a way of relating to them that comes from a place of compassion. But compassion does not equal me accepting their projected bullshit. They can liken me to the devil if they want or whatever it is that they most fear in their life. That doesn’t say one thing about me and everything about them.
So, that’s not much of a rant, is it? But I just had to get that out there for some reason. (I’m tired of writing all the juicy stuff in my journal. Heh)