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While that last post was completely and utterly an accurate picture of my state of mind when I wrote it, I look at it now (having climbed out of the ditch) and think “Oh Geez, girl. Drama Queen much?” I may as well have written it whilst reclining on my fainting couch.
I’m tempted to delete it but I won’t. For the past nine years, Snarkypants has been an honest reflection of who I was and who I am and who I am becoming. To delete the less than “shiny, happy people” posts feels like it would be a lie. I am who I am. So be it.
Anyway, out of the ditch (which might have been caused, in retrospect, by too many benedryl tabs when I couldn’t fall asleep. Two usually does the trick but not this time so if two is good, four is better, right? Yeah, no. Not so much.) and doing okay.
I’ve been really looking hard at the reasons I’ve disappeared from my woo-practice and really my life. I think it had to do with feeling like I was so so close to my dream and when Duty gave me a lot of pushback about leaving the day job, I saw that I was going to have to fight through this to claim what I wanted. Instead, I retreated and decided to “make do” for now. And that felt like I just gave up.
I haven’t given up. I will get there and now with a better understanding what it will take for me to stand up and say what I want. I always keep the peace, even at my own expense, because conflict scares me and I don’t know how to work though it.
Yep, I’m nearly 51 and can say without equivocation that I can barely tolerate any kind of conflict at all. Most of my life is structured so that I avoid it altogether. But that’s probably not realistic – at least not when it comes to taking a stand for what I want.
I’m going to have to look some personal demons in the face on this one. And it won’t be fun. But then, is demon-looking EVER fun? I think not!
PS: Thanks for the words of comfort on that post. I was a mess, wasn’t I?
For me, in learning to handle conflict — which I avoid, too! — I’ve found it helpful to think about the conflict as something belonging to both people. So, with Duty and the issue of quitting work, I would suggest you think about the entire THING as belonging to both of you. It isn’t conflict BETWEEN you. It’s discussion, conversation, exploration of who you are, who he is, and who you are TOGETHER. You don’t have to fight. You just have to be open and ready to listen to each other.
You weren’t a mess, you were an unhappy Snarkela. It happens to all of us. I’m glad you’re leaving the post up. It was a heartfelt, articulate portrait of who you were that day, just as this post reflects today’s stronger you.
Re: your comment on my blog on Amy Winehouse. Back to Black was already a couple years old when I suddenly picked it up and fell in love with MY Amy song, “My Tears Dry on Their Own.” It makes me think of something you told me once — that angels talk to me through music. Amy Winehouse may be an unlikely messenger for the angels, but something made me spontaneously pick up that CD.