Sometimes you hear a voice through
the door calling you, as fish out of
water hear the waves, or a hunting
falcon hears the drums come back.
This turning toward what you deeply
love saves you. Children fill their
shirts with rocks and carry them
around. We’re not children anymore.
Read the book of your life which has
been given you. A voice comes to
your soul saying, “Lift your foot;
cross over; move into the emptiness
of question and answer and question.””- Rumi
…. and you listen or risk a big-ass two-by-four hitting you on the head. I have reached the point of listening or being conked. I think I’ll listen.
This week really showed me what I have to do because I’ve seen the toll this job is taking on me – mind, body and soul. I know that sounds so damn dramatic and such a little “first world” problem because I also recognize that I am so lucky to have a job (in this field – in this economy). Yet, I cannot – CAN NOT – ignore the messages I’m getting.
Messages and Lessons:
a) I cannot do it all. I’ve tried. It’s not working. (Is this how single parents feel? God bless them. I cannot imagine and there’s no quitting that job!)
b) Switching gears every single minute of every work day has exhausted me. No matter what I’m working on, I have to drop it all to attend to clients coming in, phones ringing, checks to deposit, things to fax and follow up on and of course, all the lovely BSM duties like filing reports, doing the bills for the office, ordering fucking coffee so there’s not a mutiny, etc. I can’t focus on ONE thing without interruption. Not one thing.
c) I’m bothered by the fact that I’m *expected* to take this on. Sure, let “mentor boy” go and do something else, Lisa will take care of it all. Right? No. Not right. So not right.
d) That I no longer even have energy or desire for Practically Intuitive is a huge, huge message to me. That was the thing that brought me the most joy and now I feel like I can’t even rouse up enthusiasm for it.
So what that the back room isn’t done? So what that I’ve had one appointment for October? So what that I am brain dead? (sobs) That I feel this way about the work of my soul tells me a lot about what I’ve got to do.
I’ve surrendered to the Universe this entire issue – asked for options to be put in front of me so that I can evaluate them and decide on a course of action.
I don’t want to leave this office for another office in the same field but if that’s what’s for my highest good, then I’ll do that.
If I get to focus on just one job until I decide to leave and that’s for my highest good, I’ll do that, too.
And if it’s in my highest good to leave it all behind and focus entirely on Practically Intuitive (and risk the attendant loss of income for now), then I’m there.
Whatever I determine (with the help of my soul, my Guides and Teachers and all those in the spiritual realm who assist me) is for the highest good is what I’m stepping into next.
But first, I must make my voice known. Step one of many to come.
Thank you all for your words of support, love, comfort and butt kicks (Hi Jody!). It means a lot to me.
(BTW, down 12 pounds now. Not going to make 25 for the birthday but I will take 12 for now.)