Warning: this is turning out really long. Sorry about that.
Back in January, I had an astrologer look at my natal chart for this year to give me a sense of what energies will be around me. Now, you all probably know I’m not a believer in events written in stone but I do think there are energies around that offer space to grow and change in them. So, that’s mostly what I was seeking.
Both the astrologer and another friend who did a year forecast month-by-month indicated things were brewing in April and so, fearing the worst (as I do!), I have been in a frenzy and holding my breath waiting to see what energies were coming.
They started swirling early for me and leaving Crossfit (and Pilates) were a result of the revelations that came through. Pretty big ones, actually. I worked with them, left crossfit and kept on walking, having done that rather large piece of it.
Next step, then? (Because there’s always a next step, yo.)
Fortunately, my coach Jaelin can hear my Guides really, really well (when I can’t) and she was able to bring them through to tell me a couple things:
1) Quit with the fear energy – nothing bad is coming in this time of transformation (aka: April)
2) There’s a thread of pissy energy moving around underneath things that seems to be related to my dad. (that was a WHUT? moment because I really was very close to my dad and even though I run into abandonment BS every once in a while from his departure early in my life (he died when I was 14), I wasn’t angry about that at all.) My Guides said I needed to get the Ah-Ha on my own so neither they nor Jaelin could tell me what that was about. I was asked to write a letter to him and see if I couldn’t get underneath the sadness.
So that afternoon, I sat out in the sun and wrote. Seven pages later, I found out what the anger was about.
This is a LONG story so let me sum it up for y’all – due to the actions by my grandmother (who I’m sure thought she was doing the right thing), my mother was not allowed to be with a man she loved and who fully and completely loved her back. It was the early 1950s and this man was divorced and in the Catholic church at that time, it was a major sin to cavort with divorced people. My grandmother separated them and made it clear to my mom that she WILL NOT have anything to do with him. By the time my mom met my dad (probably 3 years later) she was determined not to lose another man so she did whatever he said to do.
I recall my father being less than kind to my mother many, many times. It could have been his own frustration at losing his sight or the fact that he, too, had something he loved wrenched away from him (his calling to be a priest) – I don’t know. I do know I vividly remember him being shitty to her on the regular.
Turns out I was angry with my grandmother and my father for stripping away any vestiges of self-esteem my mom had left and when my dad died, I took on the role of her emotional caretaker. (I remember her at his funeral squeezing my hand so hard and my thought at that moment (I was 14, mind you) was “I’m gonna have to take care of her the rest of my life.”)
The words came pouring out – the sadness and the anger at having a husk of a person left in my care when I barely knew what was going on myself. (To those who are reading this who knew my mom, I acknowledge that you may have seen the situation differently than I did. This is written from my (clearly biased but oh-so-real-to-me perspective.))
It was good to get it out – I would never have come up with that consciously – it was in the writing and opening up to that place inside that I didn’t want to look at that it came through.
YEY, right? The thread of pissy has abated somewhat and yes, there is more to write about it but that will come in time.
Talking to Jaelin today about all that and relating to her the story of my mom and the man she loved first, I wondered aloud why she didn’t ask for what she wanted. Why didn’t she stand up to my grandmother and say “This is what I want!”? In fact, I did more than wonder. I got myself all het up about why she didn’t move forward and why she allowed herself to get less than she wanted.
ProTip: when there’s a huge charge around a topic (you know the kind that gets you all fired up and you don’t even know why?), there’s something pretty big and juicy behind it for you to see, if you’re willing.
Then Jaelin tossed me the zinger (and that’s always the hallmark of a good coach!) “What is it YOU want and where are you repeating the pattern of not saying “this is what I want!”
In any setting, in any context, in any area of my life, if you ask me in what way am I like my mother, I will recoil in horror because, to me, she lived a sad, dysfunctional, miserable life. (Again, my perspective and it’s biased, obviously.)
As we drilled down into this topic it seems there are a few places where this pattern is showing up. (ICK) Jaelin said the good part is that much of this fear I have about opening up and trusting is not mine. It belongs (energetically) to my mom. I can acknowledge that and release it, if I am willing.
It’s time to ALLOW it to be easy. It wasn’t easy for my mom and having walked that struggle with her (often AS her, energetically), it’s somewhat intimidating to me. How do you turn off the mind that loves to go in 800 directions with every possible scenario and just ALLOW love in – all the way in?
When the Universe comes knocking at your door with inner work to do, I’ve learned that you best answer in your nicest attire with your positive attitude cap on. There’s no hiding in the closet from Universal lessons (Remember the big ole smack in the head I got in January with my former teacher because I didn’t listen earlier?)
Scared? Fearful? Unhappy? Doesn’t matter. Dare to let the Universe in with the bag of magic and TRUST that it’s shown up at this time, in this way for your highest good.
So, I keep on taking this work as it comes and doing the writing and the processing so that when the April transformative energies depart, I will be where I need to be to do my work.
(Does this all sound like I’m making a BFD out of nothing? I think it does. Still, it’s HUGE work for me. And as a spiritual teacher, I have to do the same work in my own life as I do with my clients. I always say that I have no hesitation in getting down in the emotional septic tank with anyone. Can I get in it for myself? The answer is YES.)