Be forewarned, a whiny and complainy post follows.
Caveat: I live a comfortable and peaceful life. Roof over my head, lots of love and friends, freedom to do the work my soul is here to do. I know that and I am beyond thankful and I offer that thanks to the Uni every single day.
There’s a weird undercurrent of unhappiness that runs just below the surface of everything I do.
Yesterday, while in the shower and washing my hair, I allowed myself the space to whine and complain out loud about all the stuff that was bugging me. It felt cathartic to just get it out with no judgment of myself for it (plus, no one else was forced to listen!) and it made me momentarily feel better.
I have pops of joy pretty much every day (watching the doggies play in the snow, talking with my students on the phone, etc.) but always that undercurrent. It’s more ennui than anything else, I’d say. Not anger, not melancholy, just sort of the feeling that something isn’t right.
This morning, I did what I do every morning: get up, drink coffee, let the dogs out, let the dogs in, surf the web, drink more coffee, dogs out and in, push Sophie’s head off my laptop keyboard, and contemplate the day ahead. I asked myself “What would make me happy today?” and outside of running away to stay at a fancy hotel with nice sheets and a big tub, I couldn’t think of anything.
I acknowledge that I am the only one who can change this situation. There’s nothing outside me (not a kiss from Sherlock (those hands!) nor a tub with bubbles and lavender sniffs to soothe me) that can shift this for me. It has to come from within. I know that. I teach that to others.
I think I am waiting for something outside me to shake things up. I really do.
(That is most assuredly NOT an invitation to do so in a craptastic way, Universe!)
Which puzzles me because I KNOW I’m the only one who can make that change and still I don’t take any action at all. NONE.
- Diet/Nutrition? Fatter than ever thanks to copious amounts of guacamole while away and pretzels when home.
- Exercise? None. Not one bit. Barely getting off the couch.
- De-Cluttering? Hahahahahahhahaha
- Getting out of the house? But but but …. the dogs! (even though my recent experiment of leaving them alone (crated) for increasing amounts of time was successful.)
- Course work for Level One? Meh. Working on it.
- Book reviews due Jan 27? Haven’t even started. Couldn’t care less. (And yes, I’m giving these up after this go-round.)
- My office isn’t set up to work. What needs changing? Everything. Will I do it? No and I’ll whine about it on top of doing nothing.
What will make me happy today? I don’t know.
But I better find out or I’ll end up in a deep(er) pit than I sit in now.