Most of my life these days seems to encompass the words “Why bother?”.
Apathy is traditionally a sign that my usually-held-at-bay depression is creeping in but this is more a symptom of ennui, I think. I’m stuck in a cage until the end of the year (yes, it’s not too far away now) and feel like I’ve lost some motivation/enthusiasm for my own work.
My wonderful coach Jaelin and I are working on this weird underlying issue from a bizillion lifetimes ago that seems to be jacking my shit up hardcore. (Yes, I know I’ve had tons of lifetime muck show up this year, haven’t I? It’s what happens when you try to climb out of your cocoon and be a bigger version of who you are.)
Primal fear of … something. She feels it has to do with caveman times and fear of being eaten by a very large creature. And, in fact, that lifetime WAS cut short by that very thing.
Apparently, I’ve been dragging that fear of being consumed (and, of course, dead) from lifetime to lifetime. I guess it’s showing up now so that I can ditch it for good. This all came out as a result of my taking a tumble Tuesday (good alliteration there!) when I slid on some wet marble going into the lobby of the office building.
That was fun.
Sprained my ankle and broke my pinky toe somehow. Good thing I’ve got some padding because this girl went down hard. So embarrassing. Because I think nothing is an accident, coach and I did some digging to find out what this is about. (Hence, caveman times)
I’m home today because I just couldn’t face going in to the office. Most days I can push through the malaise but today I just couldn’t. So, home, making myself do PI things. The swelling has gone down some but the pinky toe is bruised and painful. Ain’t nothing they can do for broken wee toes, alas.
If you’ve been wondering where I am, I am doggie paddling my way through sadness, ennui, boredom, loneliness and other assorted icky emotions. As always, I’ll come out the other end just fine.