I shared this post in a Facebook group I run and it occurred to me that I should also put it here so I can look back on it and realize how far I’ve come from this point of view. (Bold print are my thoughts that I didn’t share elsewhere.)
(I know all my recent posts have been shitty and sad. Sorry. Please to come back when this period has passed.)
One of the things I struggle with is receiving. I am good at knowing what someone else needs but damn if I’ll put out what I need except to a therapist or a coach. I rarely tell anyone what’s going on deep down with me. (I think the idea that I’m paying them allows me to feel like I can be real. Oy! That’s an interesting point of view, eh?) —> this is worthy of deeper introspection, I think. I had no conscious idea this was true until I wrote it. This may be why I love therapists and coaches. A friend at ye olde place of employ always called her therapist “Paid Mommy” and maybe that’s what it is. Hmm.
This came out recently when my husband wanted to buy me a lovely ring for our anniversary and took me to a shop and said “Find the one you like and don’t look at the price.” I could not do it. (Yes, I peeped the price of the one I wanted and just about had a heart attack.) All told, the ring I liked would end up being about $6000. And I could not say yes. Even though hubs said he put money away for this, I could not say yes.
Looking at this, I came upon all kinds of interesting feelings – I don’t deserve that, I’m not the kind of person to sport a flashy ring, it’s too much money, and on and on. It churned up so much gunk that it took me about 2 weeks to even be willing to look at it beyond noticing the fact that I couldn’t receive it.
Where else was I saying NO to something I wanted? Where else was I thinking I was saying YES but mostly it was a “I don’t believe that can really happen for me”?
Don’t think for a second that an inability to truly receive doesn’t affect your business because it totally does. Your point of view creates your reality. If I am attached to being the kind of person who doesn’t sport expensive jewelry, then that is what my reality will be.
(Would I like nice jewelry? Yes, I would but when it came down to it, I got scared. (OF WHAT???? Right?). Here’s what I realized as I wrote this – I love it if I don’t have to say YES to it. Meaning, if it’s a gift, I love it. If I had no choice about the decision, I’ll have that. The friend I wrote about above had tons and tons of money and loved spending it on people. She gave me all the beautiful jewelry I own and I can name every piece. I received it with enormous gratitude that she picked something special out for me and that I didn’t have to make a decision. When she took me clothes shopping 3 years ago and bought me close to a $1000 wardrobe, I could only accept it because she overrode my protestations. See? No choice had to be made on my part.
I say all this to ask you where you might not be open to receiving in your life / business. Are you willing to receive ALL of it? The money, the adulation, the contributions? If not, why not? If yes, how can you expand that to an even greater extent? And this means accepting the judgement, too. I think I’ve mentioned this elsewhere or maybe here but when you accept the judgement, you’re not saying you agree with it. But you are willing to be you and accept that people will judge you for their own reasons that have almost nothing to do with you. I’m working on the latter part but it’s hard.
I understand. I think I have a bit of this lack in myself, too. But, little pinpricks of messages are making me sense that I am changing. My body is healing its psoriasis, which has been awful for 18 months (well, helped along by what I consider an honest miracle), I am writing a novel that is silly, fun, and a gas, very commercial, about which I have such a feeling of pleasure and certainty of success, and I am extremely content. I think it stems from writing the RIGHT thing. I received the inspiration, accepted it, instead of questioning and telling myself that it was embarrassing to write. I ACCEPTED THE INSPIRATION. This is vital. Please read Elizabeth Gilbert’s BIG MAGIC. I have a very, very strong feeling that you need to not think rationally about receiving — instead, go easy and loose, listen to the music, feel the joy & peace, stop pushing yourself. Let it all go. Then, I believe YOUR inspiration will come, and when it does, say YES.
I feel like I owe you a therapy payment for the light bulb moments I had reading this!