Dear Three People who read Snarkypants,
I spared you some serious depressive whining (yes, worse than usual!) this last week. I went into a bad, bad ditch that I wasn’t sure how to get out of. The kind of ditch where you go back to bed and sleep for three hours, all the while thinking “what’s the point of even being here?” – that kind of ditch.
I didn’t want to tell Duty because I didn’t want to worry him so I just told him I was sad and not sure what was up. Today was particularly bad as the grumblies were accompanied by the sleeping and the ideation of what life would be like if I weren’t here. (I wish I were being dramatic.)
As I was getting dressed (oh, about noon), it was as if a light bulb went on over my head. I started taking meds for my sluggy thyroid about 2 months ago and noticed about 3 weeks ago that I kept going back to sleep in the morning after I take them.
Then I noticed that whole “let me just hang out in this ditch for a while” wishes that only got stronger and stronger no matter what I did to “cheer myself up”.
I came downstairs, grabbed the laptop and got to Googling and sure enough, if the dosage is too low (or in some cases, synthetic vs. organic), it can cause wicked bad depression.
Hmmm. So, I called the doctor’s office to see if I can talk to him but he’s on vacation and the earliest I can see him is in two weeks. Oh, and the nurse practitioner? She’s on vacation, too, and she’ll call me next week or as soon as she can.
Now, it’s true that I downplayed the depression issue because I didn’t want them to send me to the psych ward but you’d think there’d be some sense of urgency on their part other than “Oh, gee. Sorry.” If I pushed the issue, I could have seen the other doctor but I chose not to. I need to get bloodwork done so he can look at my levels anyway so I’m going to do that tomorrow and I’m stopping the meds until at least I see him at the end of the month.
I’m just so relieved that it’s not me because I was worried, yo. When my depression gets going it usually presents as apathy but this was beyond apathy. Like apathy x infinity + depths of loneliness and sad junk that I couldn’t wish away.
Depression is scary shit.
Ow. I’m so sorry you hurt. And I’m so glad you understand it’s NOT YOU. It’s biochemical. So even though it’s scary as shit, it’s easier to fix. You’ll be fine. You know you’ll be fine.
I went through something similar a few years ago. When menopause hit me like a ton of bricks, I believed that I was taking up space, using up air, that could be better used by someone/anyone else. I couldn’t stand myself or my life. I was perpetually on the verge of tears, until a moment of lucidity broke through and I got on the phone to my doctors. My GP and shrink conferred and put me on Lexapro for a short time. It made all the difference in the world.
I’ve suffered the other kind of depression. PhDs like to call it situational depression. I call it going down the Stoney End, after the song where Streisand sings that “the sky has lost control and the fury of the broken thunder’s come to match my raging soul.” With biochemical depression, there’s no fury, no thunder, no rage. Just heaviness and sadness.
So you just get with your doctor and get to the bottom of this. Take care of yourself. You’ll come through on the other side. You know you will!
Jeebus! I’m glad you’re out of that ditch and figured what’s going on. Hang tight!
Well, if you get the blood work done, great. But I don’t understand not seeing the other doc, at least for an initial consultation! You don’t necessarily have to abide by what s/he says, but it can start the ball rolling. As you say, depression is serious stuff. I don’t like the idea of you waiting.