My mom and I had a challenging relationship. She wanted to be best friends and I just wanted to not be around her at all because I was so tuned into her feelings and took them on as my own.
I had no idea that I was doing this and so turned a lot of anger and sadness projected onto me back onto her. There were times where we were both cruel and unloving to each other because the sad/bitter/deeply unhappy feelings kept recirculating between us.
Looking back, though, I don’t really hold that in my heart. What I do hold is how she loved me without question. Never, not one day in my life did I ever feel less than fully loved by her and my dad. She encouraged me to do whatever I wanted to and that there were no limits even as she herself felt shut down and limited by her lot in life.
My mom was one of the strongest women I have ever known and when she wanted something, she moved heaven and earth to get it. During the time of Lauren’s passing, I was in such a state that I knew I couldn’t take care of her and myself so I chose myself. (I don’t think I was very nice about it, either.) I told her that she had to find a way to the funeral (of someone she loved probably as much as she loved me) on her own and that I couldn’t do it.
Mom, me and Lauren Thanksgiving 2003
Damn if that woman didn’t commandeer a bus from the nursing home she was in + a driver + a nurse to take her 90 minutes away for the funeral and the gathering afterwards. She did what it took to get there and only in hindsight did I see how amazing that was given her physical condition (she couldn’t walk at all) and general health (she died 8 months later).
The things she did for love (for me, for my dad, for all those to whom she gave her whole heart and soul) were amazing and that’s what I remember most about my mom. She gave everything she had within her to others because she loved that deeply.
Beautiful Lisa, just beautiful. And she knows, you know that in your heart.
This is a lovely piece of writing. Happy Mother’s Day from one orphan to another.
Wow, your Mom sounds amazing. Bravo to you for recognizing that. May She bless both of you and keep you in Her arms of Love, Peace, and Joy.