All the things I just cannot with

There’s so much ‘stuff’ on FB these days – noise, sadness, arguing, etc. that I can’t overly add to that without feeling like I’m just dumping so I’ll do that in my safe space here. Take that as fair warning that this will be a whiny-ass post and read or move along as suits your needs. (Thank you.)

I just cannot with the following:

• Noise. Oh my God! OH MY GOD. I do my best work in silence and it also restores me so having none of that and in fact, quite the opposite of that, has thrown me off kilter hard-core. Not only is there noise, but there is no space for me to go in the house where there is quiet. All the spaces available have Duty, television, dogs, a cat and noise. I used to retreat to my bedroom for that but since it’s under construction, no can do. So, this girl is feeling it big time. I’ll live and yes, first world problems but dang. It’s messing with me.

• Work. Remember mama saying last time that she’s bitten off more than she can chew? Mama has bitten off half a damn cow! This is good in that it’s forcing me to create priorities but it’s also stressing me out at a time when that’s really not helpful to said work at all. Routine is/will be/has to be my friend. The office space I’m using temporarily isn’t the best but it will do for now. The only difference really between it and the quiet room in the library is that I can bring coffee in there if I want and also do phone calls.

• Dogs. This is why I probably would have made a shitty mom because I am over my dogs and their incessant barking, whining and general neediness. Most days, I can hold space for that but minus the quiet, add the chaos and overwhelm and you’ve reached my limit. It’s my fault they are spoiled, I know. Again, mama-suckage in full-view.

• Chubs. Yes, I’ve abandoned taking care of myself so fast, it was just a blur. Yesterday, I ate cereal for breakfast and lunch. (It could be worse, I know. Still, poor choices.) Again, again and again, I go away from my body because it’s too much effort when I know – I KNOW – that it’s going to hurt me in the end. I don’t know how to love myself into less of me. I don’t know that I know how to take up space without all the space I take up. I just don’t know.

• Connection. One of the ways I’ve allowed people into my space is neediness. If they need something, I. AM. THERE. Then, after a while, where that’s all that exists, I am very unhappy and begin to dislike them. (Which is shitty, because this is not their fault at all. I’ve allowed it. Just like with the dogs.) There are some people who I connect with in a different way where they own their stuff, I own mine, we talk and laugh and keep moving. But those relationships are few. Still, they feed me. And I have been starving myself (possibly why the cookies fill a need, you know?)

Okay, that’s it for now. The banging and drilling has begun in earnest and the dogs are on high alert and my peaceful is now not peaceful any longer. There is a rainbow, however. The new bathroom will be magnificent when it’s done and I’ll be able to move around in the shower, flush the toilet less than 30 times for one pee, my bedroom will no longer be a paneled space and the energy will be different. That’s a good thing.

(Thanks for reading. Maybe this is what The Whine Line site should be. Just me and my whining so you only go there if you are ready for that.)