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Posts in category BitchLog
Ever feel like the 3 million things you do to make someone’s life easier, better, happier just go unnoticed or taken for granted? I do.
(Side note: as “seer of all sides”, I recognize that I’m not the only one that feels this way, my mom likely felt it, all moms / good friends / teachers / lovely people feel it. I just have to get this out.)
I love Duty with all my heart and know he loves me in his own way. But some days, all the stuff I do that I think makes his life easier just gets taken for granted.
For example, I make sure his phone is charged up, his keys, work badge, wallet, etc. are all in one place for him in the morning. He bought the wrong kind of coffee at the store yesterday and was going to take it back. I put it in a bag with the receipt taped to it so he could take it. I make sure his glasses are always by his computer when he leaves them laying all over the house.
And so what? Right? These are the things that go unnoticed or at least if he does notice them, unremarked upon. I say thank you often for things he does around the house. He tells me to stop saying it, that I’ve already said it. (He hates when something is said more than once.)
There are pros and cons to being married to someone who walks through life in some sort of oblivious fog. Today, it feels very con-like. And I feel very unappreciated.
Come to realize one of the few places I ever felt appreciated was Ye Olde Place of Employ. Apparently, my vat of stored appreciation has run dry.
There’s so much ‘stuff’ on FB these days – noise, sadness, arguing, etc. that I can’t overly add to that without feeling like I’m just dumping so I’ll do that in my safe space here. Take that as fair warning that this will be a whiny-ass post and read or move along as suits your needs. (Thank you.)
I just cannot with the following:
- Noise. Oh my God! OH MY GOD. I do my best work in silence and it also restores me so having none of that and in fact, quite the opposite of that, has thrown me off kilter hard-core. Not only is there noise, but there is no space for me to go in the house where there is quiet. All the spaces available have Duty, television, dogs, a cat and noise. I used to retreat to my bedroom for that but since it’s under construction, no can do. So, this girl is feeling it big time. I’ll live and yes, first world problems but dang. It’s messing with me.
- Work. Remember mama saying last time that she’s bitten off more than she can chew? Mama has bitten off half a damn cow! This is good in that it’s forcing me to create priorities but it’s also stressing me out at a time when that’s really not helpful to said work at all. Routine is/will be/has to be my friend. The office space I’m using temporarily isn’t the best but it will do for now. The only difference really between it and the quiet room in the library is that I can bring coffee in there if I want and also do phone calls.
- Dogs. This is why I probably would have made a shitty mom because I am over my dogs and their incessant barking, whining and general neediness. Most days, I can hold space for that but minus the quiet, add the chaos and overwhelm and you’ve reached my limit. It’s my fault they are spoiled, I know. Again, mama-suckage in full-view.
- Chubs. Yes, I’ve abandoned taking care of myself so fast, it was just a blur. Yesterday, I ate cereal for breakfast and lunch. (It could be worse, I know. Still, poor choices.) Again, again and again, I go away from my body because it’s too much effort when I know – I KNOW – that it’s going to hurt me in the end. I don’t know how to love myself into less of me. I don’t know that I know how to take up space without all the space I take up. I just don’t know.
- Connection. One of the ways I’ve allowed people into my space is neediness. If they need something, I. AM. THERE. Then, after a while, where that’s all that exists, I am very unhappy and begin to dislike them. (Which is shitty, because this is not their fault at all. I’ve allowed it. Just like with the dogs.) There are some people who I connect with in a different way where they own their stuff, I own mine, we talk and laugh and keep moving. But those relationships are few. Still, they feed me. And I have been starving myself (possibly why the cookies fill a need, you know?)
Okay, that’s it for now. The banging and drilling has begun in earnest and the dogs are on high alert and my peaceful is now not peaceful any longer. There is a rainbow, however. The new bathroom will be magnificent when it’s done and I’ll be able to move around in the shower, flush the toilet less than 30 times for one pee, my bedroom will no longer be a paneled space and the energy will be different. That’s a good thing.
(Thanks for reading. Maybe this is what The Whine Line site should be. Just me and my whining so you only go there if you are ready for that.)
After many months of farting around on my own time, things are moving and shaking on a couple fronts.
- Bathroom demo and reconstruction starts today. After many fits and starts and dates pushed back and other stuff, the construction begins. I’ve been sleeping on the couch in the sunroom since I got home from Utah and I actually don’t mind it, per se, but it will be nice when the room is done and I have a bed again. Bonus: I’ll have a usable bathroom too! The one that came with the house was barely acceptable – the previous owner just tossed it in there so he could say it was a two-bathroom house. We are upgrading it because it’s needed AND it will add value to the house when we eventually sell it rather than detract from it.
- Working outside the house for a change – because of the bathroom demo + barking dogs 24/7, I rented some space in my friend’s office to have quiet time to do the calls/video stuff. Now that we’re moving into full swing on Angella’s program, I’ve got to be on those calls as well as doing the monthly coaching calls with each client. Thus, quiet time is needed. Plus, I work better when I’m in a dedicated space for 2-3 hours. We’ll see how it all plays out. Yesterday, as I was on a Zoom video call (think: Skype but much better), the wireless network there decided to do some serious lagging so I had to get on my phone and do it from there. It threw me off my center and I was not as present as I wanted to be. C’est la vie, eh?
- Taking care of my own clients – always a priority and I see I can’t juggle a whole lot of them AND Angella’s too so have to be mindful of who I work with and the scope of the work. People are asking me for copywriting stuff and I’m not sure I really want to do that. I like editing but not the actual writing. Oh, who knows?
- Mama has bitten off more than she can chew, yo. I’m learning that I don’t have to move immediately into an opportunity because I feel a nudge. Right now I’ve got my business, working with Angella, Profiling work, Crisis Text Line training, copywriting and various and sundry other things. (Toss some vacation at the beach in there (YEY!) and that’s a lot.) No more taking on new stuff for the rest of the year (or a week, whichever way the wind blows).
- What would a post from me be without complaining, right? (And if you’re reading this, this complaint is not about you because this person doesn’t know this blog exists): Dear Person, I was taken aback in our very short interaction yesterday to see your narcissism in full bloom. I knew it was always bad and rankled me but when you don’t have that energy in your world, even a short dose of it feels like being struck by lightning. Jesus, are you self-centered and to a degree that is breath-taking. The whole conversation (well, monologue by you) left me feeling suffocated and desperately looking for a way out. Yeah, we’re not doing that again. Ever. I’m out. I have space for one narcissist in my life and that post is taken so …. Bye Felicia!
And now for something completely different!
So, I’ve discussed how spending time in the male dominated Reddit ‘Making a Murderer’ forum has allowed my true (not all love-and-light) voice to emerge. That’s a good thing, all told, I think.
I really strive to be kind and fair in my comments on Facebook and other places. (Except for one tweet that I sent Sarah Palin and I regret it.) I wonder, though, if it’s not time for me to be more forceful with my voice.
The empath in me wants to couch my words so no one’s feelings are hurt. I weigh and measure everything I say so there’s no damage to anyone (that I can control). I’ve done this ALL MY LIFE.
And at the ripe old age of 55, I think I’m done with that. Just now, a friend of mine (Dena Patrick) posted something she wrote on Facebook and some of it damn near smacked me in the head:
“Perhaps activism in general isn’t in alignment with peace and compassion because the nature of activism — even nonviolent activism — inevitably is calling out some behavior, and thus those who are engaged in said behavior.”
That was eye-opening to me. I’d not call myself an activist of any kind but I’ve been pondering the value of speaking out in a more forceful way than I have and the fears it brings up in me (of not being liked, of offending someone, of hurting someone, even) and her words spoke to that perfectly.
Can I be a ‘give no fucks’ kind of person and still be a kind,compassionate being? Like, in my head it’s one or the other. I’m not sure, honestly.
In 2012, I was very vocal and really sort of overbearing about what was going on politically and was trying to wake people up from their Fox “news” induced stupor. Someone I look up to chastised me (which was out of character so I know it was really bothering her) and I allowed it to shut me down. (Also, I have come to learn you can’t awaken someone who finds value in sleeping and everyone’s on their own path.)
Last year, when I was talking to the woman who created the Archetype Alignment Grid about joining the program, she referenced this post over on PI and asked if that was the kind of thing I write about regularly because it was very harsh, in her opinion. I ran away from it so fast because I feared her disapproval (why?) and not being the ‘kind’ of person she wanted representing her.
Thing is, I’d say it again and in the same way. Did I, though? Nope. Shut that voice down.
I think I’ve said before that the calling to the Reddit forums has not just been about guilt or innocence or playing detective although those parts are fun. My feeling is that it’s about finding my true voice and learning when and how to use it. (It can get a bit sharp so I try to use that sharpness judiciously.)
That’s what’s on my mind today.
Also too: I am getting close to smacking Dude I’m working with. He doesn’t listen to what I say even when I say it really clearly.
Case in point:
Via email and with a spreadsheet attached, I said: “Here’s a list of people who were in MyEmma in the Global Broker list but I couldn’t find them in ACT. (I searched for about 10 of them and didn’t find any.)” (NB: MyEmma = mail program, ACT = database)
He responded: “What are the names below? Are they in global brokers? Are they in ACT?”
WTF? Did I not just fucking tell you what they were? Did I not just say (and in highlights too!) that they are in the Global Broker list but NOT in ACT?
Kids, I am doing my best to learn how to work with him so he understands the info I send. But I fear we are not meshing here and it’s causing me aggravation and I’m not into that. (On top of that, he has not sent me the $300 he owes me yet which annoys me even though I’ve sent him invoices.)
I’m giving this one more month and then I’m out if it doesn’t change. (sigh)