Posts in category Light Bulb

Things that ping me

September 21, 2015 Written by Lisa

All of what follows is my Interesting Point of View as I wonder why it keeps showing up and pinging me:

I have two friends on FB who are really (REALLY) open about their sex life. Like, one person mentioned what a good weekend she had that included some great sex. And I was all “do I need to know this?” realizing all the while that it was poking me in some place. What came to mind initially was that I am not one to ever *EVER* discuss that in public. (In private and with certain people, sure but on Facebook? Oh hells to the no!)

So to see people who I know personally talking about it (and not in a magazine article or some place that feels fictional) felt weird. And I was aware of the weirdness.No judgement on them at all for doing so. Just an awareness that this very shadow side of me cringes in the light. I am also aware that I’ve lost any connection I’ve ever had with that part of myself for a lot of reasons, none of which I will go into here. That’s one of the reasons people discussing it in that way pings me. That Lisa feels long gone.

What else nudges and pokes me? More awareness that I really don’t do anything outside of my business much at all. Hobbies? hahahah Yeah. So, to remedy this, I am getting off the computer and doing things.

So far, my ‘doing things offline’ repertoire includes cleaning the pool of leaves (and occasionally frogs), crocheting nothing at all but doing it to integrate lessons I’m downloading, vacuuming my bedroom and all around the cat litter box (yes, I’ve had to resort to cleaning to get my ass off the couch) and cooking (when we get Blue Apron deliveries). None of which engages me much (if at all) but I’ve got to do SOMETHING. I realized that I loved the Paint Night in Utah and being able to splash colors on a canvas so I bought myself some Crayola paint and will play in that this week.

Balance is a helpful thing, so I’m learning. Also, when my business doesn’t light me up, it’s good to have other go-to’s that do. (And sadly, lately, it’s been the former more than I’d like to mention.)

This is where I leave you, she said

June 28, 2015 Written by Lisa

The transformation that happened while I was at Ignite 2015 didn’t start the day I walked in the door. It started more than a year ago when I was here in Utah for a retreat. I received a Shamanic healing from a wonderful woman and released the energy of my mother.

Sidebar: my mom and I had a very contentious relationship. She loved me more than life itself and I ran away from that smothering love as fast as I could. I think I represented all that she felt she could not achieve in this life and so often (I felt) lived through me. Releasing her energy meant that I could be more of myself and less swayed by energies and thought forms from her life.

It has taken me one year to process releasing that energy and finding my way to just Lisa.

Doing that work involved returning to ye old corporate place of employ, realizing that I could no longer be caged (literally or figuratively) and that I had to be the one to stand up and say “I have to go.”

It involved losing a friendship (or what I thought was a friendship) and claiming that I wanted people to care about me in the way I care about them. It involved so many tears, I can’t even begin to tell you.

Through all of that, I learned who I am, underneath the layers of pretense and fears of being unloved.

So, when I entered the doors of Ignite, a transformational experience and so much more, I had a sense of something brewing.

The first day we did a guided meditation led by the wonderful woman who helped me release my mother’s energy last year.

In mine, I was ice skating (a thing I’ve never really done in my life) at a hockey rink. It was small and darkish.

But I was on skates, just gliding around on my own. In the vision, I skated over and took Duty’s hand and pulled him onto the ice with me. We skated together in this interesting way, bent over at the waist, facing forward and skating as fast as we could together, him holding me so so so tight as if to say “I’ve got you. Let’s go faster!”

We skated back to the edge and then I saw my cousin’s 3 sons who skated out and danced all around me.

Skated back to the edge and there was my sweet sweet Lauren who came out to meet me on the ice as we danced and twirled together in a golden light. As I took her back to the edge, I saw my mom and dad, grandmom and grandpa and Aunt Janet all waving to me from the sidelines.

Finally, I skated back to the middle of the ice and danced alone, in the spotlight.
This was such a profound vision to me that I found myself in a puddle of tears, head down on the table, soaking the tablecloth with them.

I know what this means (it’s hella obvious, amirite?) but it was made so clear to me on night #2.

As I sat at the table waiting for the event to begin for the evening, I felt a sharp edge on my finger. It was my mom’s ring that I’ve worn for much of my adult life. This ring, given to her by her parents when she was 16 (so it’s about 70 years old at this point) is one of my treasures. And this ring had broken apart, a separation on the left side of the band.

The symbolism of that was not at all lost on me.

Here in Utah, where just last year my mom’s energy was separated out from mine, it became real.

When I went back to my room, my mom’s spirit came to me and said exactly this:
“I’ve carried you this far, for better or worse. You’re on your own now. This is where I leave you.”

And it was said with so much love, as if she knew it was time.

I know (and she reassured me) that she’s not going anywhere – she is right where she’s always been – in my heart. And yet, it was clear that her energy truly separated out from mine in this place.

In another small meditation on the final day of the event, I saw the ice skating rink. This time, it was huge. Like Olympic sized and there were bright lights and big space. I skated out and alone on that big ice, so happy to be there. So happy to hear the music and skate to it on my own.

A powerful drum circle closed out the energy of the event. As I beat that drum with 60 other women in a room full of high vibration and grounded energy, I realized, this is who I am. Authentically me.

I am here. Finally.

The work I’ve done over the past year has gotten me here. More work will show up (as it does) to take me where I’m going.

I open the door and say Welcome.

Blah blah blah, Guides and Teachers

Life without my mother’s energy

May 24, 2014 Written by Lisa

I loved my mother dearly because she was an amazingly strong woman who lived through so many awful situations in her life.

My grandmother forbid her from marrying the only man she truly loved (who loved her back wholeheartedly) because it was 1954 and he was divorced and that was shameful and unacceptable in the Catholic church. She became sort of a recluse after that and grieved that loss for years. (Can’t say I blame her – I have letters he sent her and oh, he loved her in a way my dad did not.)

The man she married (my dad) lost his eyesight a year and a half into the marriage and both his legs when I was 10. She worked full-time, taking care of us both without much regard for what she wanted and needed. When I tell you my dad could be a hard-core shithead, that doesn’t even cover it some days. He was angry about a lot of things in his life (booted out of the monastery for being sick and never getting to live his dream of being a priest and his loss of eyesight and legs pretty much equaled zero autonomy) and took much of it out on her. She took it and took it and took it, being wounded to the very core by his words and actions.

And to find that the only child she would ever have adored and loved this man over and above her? The icing on the cake, I’m sure. So much hurt, so much pain she endured.

She was just 44 when my dad died and she never entertained any thoughts about another relationship with someone. As far as she was concerned, she was DONE with that and all her focus turned to me.

Who, of course, did not want that focus and fought it off tooth and nail. I was so very cruel to my mother for a good part of my teen years, desperately trying to get away from her oppressive hopelessness. We would often get into punching and slapping fights, I am sorry to say. Separating out from her became my life’s work because we were enmeshed from the very beginning.

And so, when her energy departed during the shamanic healing session, I emerged for the first time without her influence. Without the clinging, the desperation and the fear that someone I loved would be cruelly taken from me. I no longer carry the feeling that all I get is the “shitty end of the stick” (as she was wont to say).

I get to be just Lisa.

It feels like I walked into a whole new world where I am strong, where I don’t fear being abandoned, where I can stand in what I know to be true about myself and leave all the crap behind.

It’s her stuff. It’s what she came to work on in the world. How she did with her soul’s agreement is not for me to know. All I know is that I feel free. Like I’ve been sprung from prison after being wrongly accused and incarcerated for 53 years.

It’s taken me this long to be able to step into the next part of my journey. It’s taken me years of therapy, coaching, crying and hiding to get to this place.

I wish I could find the words to convey what a profound moment this is in my life. I feel like a child seeing DisneyLand for the very first time and am filled with wonder and the desire to go on every ride right RIGHT NOW.

Shedding all that doesn’t work for me (pretzel snarfing is a big one!) and inviting in what does has been the order of the week. I don’t think Duty can tell the difference (yet) or if he does, he’s not saying anything. Try as I might to explain all this to him, I just don’t think he gets it. He shrugs and says “Well, if you feel a difference, that’s all that matters.” (sigh) I want to scream at him saying “Don’t you see? EVERYTHING has changed!!” but I don’t because 1) he doesn’t deserve screaming and 2) it will show up in time and he’ll notice it when he’s ready (or not).

As in all matters highly spiritual, I share my joy with those who DO get it: my biz coach and my personal coach. The former saw it happen before her eyes and the latter is helping me manage the enormous sea change that’s taking place. (I am deeply indebted to both women.)

I love my mother with all my heart. And I am glad her energy is gone.

Guides and Teachers, Happy Stuff, Pretty Sure Ive gone insane, teh WooWoo

Adventures in Archie-land* – Part One

May 21, 2014 Written by Lisa

(Waves hi to everyone!) I’m baaack!

What an amazing, transformative trip I had. Hence, the Parts One and Two (and maybe more, who knows?).

From start to finish, it was amazing and I came back a different person than I was when I left on Wednesday. Well, maybe not so much *different* as just more me. Me in a bigger way. The real High Priestess of the Woo** is here and she’s not retreating, not apologizing and definitely not hiding.

My business coach, Angella Johnson, introduced me to a lovely woman named Paula who is a shaman.

A shaman is a healer who moves into an altered state of consciousness to access a hidden reality in the spirit world for purposes of bringing back healing, power, and information. The word shaman comes from Siberia and means “one who sees in the dark” (the hidden realities), and widely refers to those who are medicine women/men, healers, and seers. Shamans believe that all problems, physical, emotional or mental, have their root cause in spiritual imbalance. A shaman works to restore balance and wholeness by addressing the root cause of the problem. Many methods are used in shamanic healing, including soul retrieval, retrieval of a spiritual ally, removal of unwanted energies, soul remembering, ancestral work, psychopomp (helping the deceased to cross over into the Light) and hands on healing. Shamans never work alone, but in conjunction with spiritual allies who guide them in providing what is needed for people. In my own practice I tell clients this is not my work, but rather Spirit working through me. My goal is always to be a clear and open channel for God’s healing, wisdom, and love to flow through me for the healing of the client.

We had planned to do our soul work session on the phone but when Paula heard I’d be in the NewPark City area, she asked if I’d like to do it in person. “Sure!”, thought I. That might be interesting.

I’m very familiar with the work of shamans, having studied many, many paths before mine opened up to me clearly. Paula is a natural. She resonates with the energy of the earth and the native ancestors. It was lovely to feel.

This is a long story so I shall do the TL;DR version:

During our session, it became clear that there was an energy attached to me that would not leave. The energy was not malevolent (as in a possession) but definitely NOT doing me any good. Turns out, it was my mom. She really, really did not want to leave. I get that.

My mom was always very attached to me, seeing me as an extension of herself (dare I say a better extension?) and was terrified that one day I’d just abandon her for good. (That boggled my mind always. She could be a pain in the ass (as any mom can be) but I loved her dearly and had no plans to abandon her ever.)

So, I had to “command” her to leave my energy or the healing couldn’t go forward. I did (thanking her for all the gifts and love and lessons) and we proceeded. While there were LOTS of other pieces I’ll explain eventually (or not, if I forget), this part was the most impactful although I didn’t see it until the last day of the retreat.

I have given up my fear of being seen in the world.

That is huge for me. I loved disappearing into the woodwork, trying to remain invisible so I wouldn’t be noticed or judged. (Weird for a chick who fancies herself the HPotW, right?)

“Let me not take up any space so my existence won’t bother you” has been the voice inside my head for a long time.

I am done with all that.

I’m here, I claim my work in a way I did not before and I no longer wish to hide. Whether that all belonged to my mother, parts of it her and parts of it me, I don’t know. Doesn’t matter. It’s gone.

In place of that came a confidence I don’t think I’ve ever had. I feel centered and strong.

And this truth-teller emerged, just saying what I think about stuff. I had not one but two “come to Jesus” talks with students yesterday about how they just fart around and don’t get anywhere. (I did say it nicer than that but that’s the crux of it.)

I’m done with bullshit and time wasters and energy leaks. I’m stepping out of two commitments I made that no longer fit and making sure I do it smoothly so as not to disrupt (much) the flow of their business. And I am revamping Level Two of my program to only hold space for those who are committed to doing intuitive work professionally. (I’ve created a different program for those who want to do it but without the expectations of a certification course.)

Shit has changed hardcore. I’ve changed hardcore.

There is no going back. And that’s a good thing, Martha.

(Part Two to follow)

* Archie = David Archuleta who came in second to the wonderful sekrit boyfriend and who is also a good Mormon boy from Utah.

** I will forever be indebted to the one person who saw this in me. Yes, it was said with a heavy dose of snark, but as soon as I heard it, I was all “Yep, that’s who I am at soul level”. He reminded me of it by being a willing guinea pig for all the woo I could pull out my ass even if he didn’t get it or believe it himself. In this and many other ways, he’s been a master teacher in my life and I honor that by owning this title in the biggest possible way.

Blah blah blah, General Blatherings, Guides and Teachers, teh WooWoo

I hate when Duty is right

April 8, 2014 Written by Lisa

Hate it!

But at least I can acknowledge it AND take action.

Sunday night, out of the blue, he turned to me and mentioned something about how my coach said that working outside the home (at ye olde place of employ) kept me focused and grounded.

(True, she did say that.)

He suggested that I look for something, even volunteer work, to find that groundedness again since I’ve been blathering about how I did nothing at all (pretty much) for PI last week.

I asked what made him think of that and he replied “I don’t know. It just popped into my head.”

That, my friends, is the voice of my Guides speaking. I know it when I hear it.

Dammit.

So, yesterday I perused the local animal shelter’s volunteer listings and think I’ll send in an application to clean cat boxes or something. It will get me out of the house, doing something of service and playing with kitty cats and doggies. Nothing grounds you better than animals which is why I think I’ve always had so many in my adult years. (At one time, I had four cats, two guinea pigs and a dog along with the ever present partridge-in-a-pear-tree. Need grounding much, Lisa?)

I chide Duty about being, well, let’s say he’s not the most conscious being alive but damn if that wisdom doesn’t slip out now and again. I once told him he was a teacher to me and he never (EVER!) lets me forget that.

He is, though.

And I appreciate it.

Blah blah blah