Posts in category Suckage

Oh thank God it’s not me!

October 7, 2015 Written by Lisa

Dear Three People who read Snarkypants,

I spared you some serious depressive whining (yes, worse than usual!) this last week. I went into a bad, bad ditch that I wasn’t sure how to get out of. The kind of ditch where you go back to bed and sleep for three hours, all the while thinking “what’s the point of even being here?” – that kind of ditch.

I didn’t want to tell Duty because I didn’t want to worry him so I just told him I was sad and not sure what was up. Today was particularly bad as the grumblies were accompanied by the sleeping and the ideation of what life would be like if I weren’t here. (I wish I were being dramatic.)

As I was getting dressed (oh, about noon), it was as if a light bulb went on over my head. I started taking meds for my sluggy thyroid about 2 months ago and noticed about 3 weeks ago that I kept going back to sleep in the morning after I take them.

Then I noticed that whole “let me just hang out in this ditch for a while” wishes that only got stronger and stronger no matter what I did to “cheer myself up”.

I came downstairs, grabbed the laptop and got to Googling and sure enough, if the dosage is too low (or in some cases, synthetic vs. organic), it can cause wicked bad depression.

Hmmm. So, I called the doctor’s office to see if I can talk to him but he’s on vacation and the earliest I can see him is in two weeks. Oh, and the nurse practitioner? She’s on vacation, too, and she’ll call me next week or as soon as she can.

Now, it’s true that I downplayed the depression issue because I didn’t want them to send me to the psych ward but you’d think there’d be some sense of urgency on their part other than “Oh, gee. Sorry.” If I pushed the issue, I could have seen the other doctor but I chose not to. I need to get bloodwork done so he can look at my levels anyway so I’m going to do that tomorrow and I’m stopping the meds until at least I see him at the end of the month.

I’m just so relieved that it’s not me because I was worried, yo. When my depression gets going it usually presents as apathy but this was beyond apathy. Like apathy x infinity + depths of loneliness and sad junk that I couldn’t wish away.

Depression is scary shit.

Kicking up dust

February 28, 2015 Written by Lisa

Everything I’m trying not to feel or deal with is being kicked up. I keep trying to push it back down or away and it keeps popping to the surface, unwanted and unbidden.

Here’s what’s swirling today:

Do I seem like I don’t need people to ask how I am? Like, do I appear to be completely self-sufficient that I don’t need anyone to just say “how are you?” once in a while?

Because I sure as shit don’t get that on the regular. Everyone is busy with their lives and I understand that, I really do. And I’m not trying to be all Miss Pity Me here although it’s probably going to come off that way.

I have a friend whom I love, truly. But she’s VERY wrapped up in what’s going on with her so every morning I come down to 80 messages on Facebook about this business thing or that thing and it feels like she’s always seeking my approval. I know it’s that she doesn’t have a lot of entrepreneurial pals and she needs interaction so I’m the interact-ee most often but just ONCE I’d like her to ask how I am. Just once.

Family members, too. I genuinely want to know how they are and what’s going on. And they respond but no one – NO ONE – asks how I am. I know they care and would be there in a heartbeat if I needed them and that means a lot to me but jeez, can you take 3 minutes out of your whirlwind schedule to say “Hi, how’s it going?”

See and here’s the thing – I feel greedy for even wanting this.

I’m pretty sure it’s me who has positioned myself as the one who checks on others and to whom others come for advice when they need it or a boost or whatever. And it’s me who apparently has appeared not to need anything.

The only two people who I go to are people I pay – my two coaches. Those are the two women who check in with me, who ask about me, who support me when shit gets hard.

Not my friends, not my family. My coaches.

This just tells me that I need to start asking for what I need from the people in my life.

(Although how do you say “Uh, can you ask how I am once in a while?” without sounding like a whiny five-year-old? Not sure. And that’s what I feel like. A whiny, sad, lonely five-year-old.)

I am over anticipating everyone else’s needs and fulfilling them to the best of my abilities and having no one do that for me. I’m not busting on Duty because he takes care of me in a way no one else has but this issue exists to a degree in that relationship, too.

So, yeah. I haz a sad. And an angry. And lots of other feelings as well.

There ya go.

Blah blah blah

Well, that was unexpected!

June 1, 2014 Written by Lisa

So, Thursday I woke up with this weird tingly numbness on the left side of my face. Almost like novocaine was wearing off. Thinking I slept wrong or something, I ignored it. (As I often do with physical stuff because eww.)

When it didn’t magically go away, I looked it up online. Yeah. Don’t do that, kids. No good will come of it. I diagnosed myself with a small stroke, possible brain cancer, and Bell’s palsy. Back to ignoring.

11am came and I decided that perhaps this was a signal I should take more seriously and called the doctor’s office. They told me that since I hadn’t gotten the bloodwork done when it was requested (August 2013!), they didn’t have anything to go on and recommended that I go to the ER.

I tried (in vain, I might add) to talk them out of that, recalling the abject horror I experience every time I’ve had to go to the ER with Duty.

There are people vomiting everywhere! In the lobby (go your ass into the bathroom if you know that’s a possibility) and in the bays inside the ER itself (okay, can’t argue with that but still, gross!).

This little clairaudient with super sonic hearing cannot abide the sounds of barfing. It makes me want to flee and when you’re the patient, fleeing is not encouraged.

Fine, I’ll go to the ER then. Dammit. Call Duty and ask him to come home from work to take me. (I hate asking for things.) Of course, he does. We go this time to an ER recently built on this side of the bridge rather than trek back into Annapolis. It’s a calm, serene place where there’s (amazingly enough!) no one in the waiting room (therefore, no one barfing) and I am taken inside quickly.

Nurses shuffle around taking blood pressure, temps and all other ER things. Duty and I laugh about how this is weird – usually he’s the one on the bed and I’m sitting on a chair (trying not to hear aforementioned barfing sounds).

Finally (after a 30 minute wait), the nice doctor comes in, hears my story of weird facial numbness, mentions it could be a TIA (A transient ischemic attack (TIA) is an event, sometimes called a mini-stroke, with stroke symptoms that last less than 24 hours before disappearing.)

Farts.

That is not good.

Numbness has worn off by this time (also an indicator of a TIA) and we are released from the hospital with an appointment to see my regular doctor the next day for more tests and a referral for the lovely MRI.

As an aside: Don’t post illness stuff on Facebook, lest you get a zillion messages from people worried you are dying. Even when you try to add humor, it just makes it worse. I won’t be doing this again, ever. If you love me, you’ll know I’ve shuffled off when you hear it from Duty. (Or if you don’t love me and just read Snarkypants for shits and giggles, when I never post here again.)

Long story short(er): Doc is pretty sure it’s the TIA thing and sets me up with MRI and some carotid artery ultrasounds, bloodwork and all kinds of medical shit I really am not excited about. But, better than being paralyzed on one side of my body with foggy brain issues as that would seriously impact the work I am here to do in this lifetime and am only now getting around to doing.

No further symptoms have shown up and I feel okay.

Can I say that this is a huge pisser? After the amazing high of coming back from Utah, making strides in my PI work, feeling all forceful and directed for the almost first time in my damn life, then this happens?

Fuckety.

I am, however, not a dumbass and am taking this as a sign to pay a-bloody-ttention to my damn body.

Spoke with my favorite medical intuitive and he’s recommended a few things which, of course, I am doing. He didn’t see a cause for huge alarm and I need to let him know what the MRI and other scans/bloodwork find.

Onward. At least the Angels took good care of me, ensuring the ER had no random barfing incidents. For that (and so many other things) I am profoundly grateful.

(Thanks to Gorky, Gal, Julie and Jennifer for sending love, support and sweetness!)

BitchLog, General Blatherings, Hell freezes over, High Drama

And with love, we say goodbye to Sophia

April 15, 2014 Written by Lisa

Oh man, this was harder than I thought it would be.

Sophia had chronic kidney disease and a hyperthyroid issue and the two of them together did not play nicely. Despite watering and pilling and feeding her, she was wasting away even more so it was time to take her over the Rainbow Bridge.

I didn’t even write about it on Facebook (Horrors, I know!) because I couldn’t take a thread of sad. I was already pretty bummed about it myself and just couldn’t handle the sweet sympathy I knew I’d get.

And I want to send a special shout-out to The Gal and her kitty, Charlotte, for being so sweet and loving, holding us in her heart and thoughts throughout it all. Her messages warmed my own heart just when I needed it. Thank you, Gal. So, so much.

This beautiful Maine coon came to join our household in 2007 after her owner died. At that time, I had Lucie and Murphy and they were having no parts of a newcomer so we kept Sophie upstairs away from the other two cats. I was all for trying to get them all together but hissing and spazzing cats made Duty nervous. (ha!)

Murphy left us in May of 2008 so it was just Lucie and Sophie in the house. At that time, Duty was still traveling a lot for work and took off for England for a month. “Now’s my chance”, thought I and opened up the door (literally and figuratively) for the two to mingle. As I recall, it went pretty smoothly (for things like that) and when he came home, we were a two cat household both upstairs and down.

While the two kitties never adored each other (Lucie told a pet intuitive that Sophia called her “an old bag” and she wasn’t having any of that!), they did learn to make peace. When Lucie had a stroke and left us in September 2012, Sophie ascended the throne to Queen of the household (feline version).

She was just a great cat – rarely any litterbox issues, independent but fiercely loving. I’d wake up many nights to find her tucked under my chin purring her head off. (I called these my “3am lovies”.)

The last few weeks weren’t fun for anyone and I hated having to shove pills down her throat twice a day and stab her with a big needle every other day. She hated it and I did, too. All of it broke my heart because it felt like it was just futile. When she stopped eating no matter what I put down in front of her, and barely moved from the tiny little ball she had curled herself into, I knew it was time to let her go.

I am cat-free for the first time in 22 years. It feels weird. Godson of Love and Goofs is hella allergic to cats and has never been here. I think I’ll stay felineless for the summer so he and his fam can come enjoy the pool. By fall, it will be time to get another kitty, I’m thinking.

Peace out, Sophia. You were one-of-a-kind and in only the very best ways.

General Blatherings

I’d laugh if the whole world wasn’t affected by it

October 8, 2013 Written by Lisa

If our entire economy and pretty much life as we know it wouldn’t come crashing down just because of some morons, I’d laugh at all this political shit being thrown around. Truly I would. But I can’t. It’s too serious for that and all I can manage is some wry laughter that gives way to tears and yelling at some point.

This whole BS with the government shutdown is so freaking ridiculous. And yes, I WILL lay it at the feet of the idiotic tea party fools. I have no qualm (okay, a wee qualm but not a huge one) with traditional conservatives. At the very least, most of them don’t seem batshit insane even if we don’t agree on one single thing.

Tea Party Freaks? Jeebus, you people are just off the hook! OFF THE HOOK!

Here’s why I think that:

1) Tea Party members in congress are bought and paid for by corporations who have the cash to spend and agendas to spread. There was no such thing as a grass-roots movement to start the tea party. It did not spring up out of nowhere by some kindly folk who think they are “taxed enough already”.

It was planned all along but made to seem spontaneous by those same entities (Americans for Prosperity, for example) funded by the Koch brothers who have a craven heart and way too much money (a lethal combination). They do not give one shit about our government. Not one. They seek power and whatever else they can get for their money. And they found willing stooges only too naive (or craven themselves) to carry out the damage from within.

2) It’s been proven that the more you listen to right wing talk radio/television, the less of an understanding you have about what is actually going on. They, like the congress members, are paid to feed you bullshit so you are good little sheeple.

Thinking President Obama is not a US citizen, that he’s creating a muslim takeover, and on and on and on. Of course, they’re using his race and the “fear” of a black man taking over to scare the olds into thinking they’ll lose their social security and access to medicaid/medicare (which is – surprise – single payer health care!) It makes me sad to hear people I dearly love repeat the lies and believe the crap that’s spewed. I don’t take what I hear at face value – I go research it if it seems hard for me to believe.

Why don’t others do this, too? Don’t you think that candidates are vetted a hundred ways to Sunday BEFORE they even throw their hat into the ring? Wouldn’t it have been outed at some point if President Obama was not a US citizen? That seems like a pretty basic point so my guess is that it’s been pretty well covered and proven out. ARRRGH!!!

(Deep breath, Lisa)

I try to look at all of this from an energetic perspective and see the bigger picture: old ways of doing things are being torn down and new ways are coming through. This scares some (young and old, intelligent and not-so-intelligent) – I get that. I do.

I also get that we all view the world through our own lens and that it’s not the same for everyone so what makes logical sense to me might not to another.

But the level of hatred, division and stupidity is almost overwhelming to me.

As is well known across my personal world, I could not stand Bush/Cheney with the heat of a thousand white hot suns (as the saying goes).

Did I wish them assassinated? No.

I’d have preferred they not be running our government but for sure I didn’t go around hoping someone would off them. I even admit to feeling some small amount of compassion for Bush (for reasons I cannot fathom but have to do with peeping his aura one time and seeing something enormously sad inside). Cheney? No compassion for him. Face of evil, I think. Just my own opinion. Not wishing him harm at all.

However, you should see the tweets suggesting someone should assassinate President Obama. (The one I posted above is the most lukewarm of these. Most are pretty in-your-face nasty. And yes, I do expect they’ll be getting a visit from the Secret Service. Asshats.)

Strong stomach? Check it out here: http://publicshaming.tumblr.com/post/62927287232/people-who-will-soon-be-visited-by-the-secret-service – it’s so sad and so appalling to see this.

I don’t know how we are going to get out of this mess. I trust that we will but it’s gonna be a long hard slog, IMO.

BitchLog, High Drama