Posts in category Suckage

“I love you, goodbye”

December 21, 2012 Written by Lisa

“Some words are sad to say
Some leave me tongue-tied
But the hardest thing to tell you
But the hardest words I know
Are I love you goodbye
I love you goodbye”

 

That’s the chorus  from a little known Thomas Dolby song that I happen to adore and it just seems to fit this year as I’ve said goodbye to Max, Lucie, my good friend Lynn and now Duty’s dad who passed away suddenly on Wednesday night.

There’s a lot I said goodbye to this year along with my furbabies, good friends and father-in-law.

poster

Each person, pet, event and more shapes who we are now, for better or worse.

And even though this year had a lot of “I love you, Goodbye” in it, there’s always lessons, joys, triumphs and the knowledge that we are all here to do our work, whatever that is.

Merry Christmas to my treasured three readers and I wish you many blessings in the holiday season.

 

PS: I’m not going anywhere. Even if I’m not here all the time, this is my safe place. :)

General Blatherings

Just in a mood, you know?

November 27, 2012 Written by Lisa

Not sure if it’s because I anticipate my call at 9am to be a difficult one. (Why I think this, I don’t know. After all, it isn’t me doing all the heavy energetic lifting, it’s the Divine. Still. I can’t wait to get past this call.)

Or if it’s because it’s raining and I’d rather go back to bed than talk on the phone to three people today.

I have little pockets of joy (yesterday I was listening to Charlie Brown Christmas and putting up our big (fake) tree and was just really happy in that moment) but there’s a lot of up and down with it. And mostly I feel disgruntled.

Here’s a list of what’s disgruntling me today (because I know you want to read it):

1) Call at 9am
2) Family is drifting apart
3) I’m still eating like shit. (and this is under my control yet I won’t do it)
4) I’m bored with the internets
5) Lots of bucks being laid out for Miss Kitty P. Stinkersons
6) Didn’t handle getting deposits from the people who agreed to join my program and have had to chase them. One missed the deadline so she’s out and the other starts December 5 when she makes the downpayment. Must do that better next time – it’s about holding boundaries and I didn’t do that well.

That’s all I can think of now – there’s probably more but that’s for my journal and not the internets.

Signed,
Lisa P. Grumpyass

BitchLog, Blah blah blah

20 years is a really long time in cat years

September 23, 2012 Written by Lisa

My sweet girl Lucie went off to kitty heaven yesterday to join her brothers Midjull and Stimpy and sister Cindy, and Mommy (her mommy).

I’ll miss her goofy-ass self – waking me up at 5:45 each morning (she had issues when the time changed and her kitty clock didn’t), peeing outside the litter box but pooing inside (I’d have preferred the pooing be on the outside, truth be known), her very regal bearing as befitting a feline of advanced years, her indignation (as voiced by an animal communicator) when we added Sophia to the mix, whining for food and treats and lots more.

Originally promised to my friend Margaret who ended up not being able to take her, Lucie stayed with me, Mommy, Midjull and Murphy and together they formed a little herd of cats that followed me around the house wherever I went.

We’ve lost two of our oldest beloved pets this year and no matter what, it’s hard. Max hit us hardest but Lucie was my snuggle bunny and has been with me forever and I feel her loss so much. I miss her so.

All part of the bargain we share with them and even though the end is hard, I wouldn’t trade the twenty years I had with her for anything.

General Blatherings

Oh, so so so much to tell

May 14, 2012 Written by Lisa

Those that follow me on Facebook know all this but there might be one or two of you who don’t so I’ll spill it.

The Dog of Love leaves us

With the heaviest of hearts and a feeling for which there are no words, Duty and I sent Max over the Rainbow Bridge on April 26th.  Losing a dog is really very different (for me) than the loss of a cat.  It breaks my heart each time, for sure, but this one – well, this just about killed us both.  Because I was with him all day every day, I saw this pain and struggle.  That last day I cried many times saying to him “I don’t know how to help you.” – He couldn’t walk on his back legs and had diarrhea and couldn’t get outside – oh kids, it was just awful.

No matter how many dogs I will ever have (story for another time), I will always love Max the most.  He was a best friend, a companion, a buddy and just a happy little dog.  I had him for 15 years and was so lucky he picked me for his mama.

 

 Getting Naked (metaphorically speaking, of course!)

Soon after Max departed and Duty and I hard-core wallowed in our sadness, I ended up stepping into an opportunity to attend a seminar in Richmond VA put on by David Neagle.  It was a three-day event in my former hometown, just two(ish) hours away by car.  Neagle is a coach to many multi-million dollar coaches out there and he knows his stuff cold.  He’s an engaging speaker and I couldn’t think of a better way to spend three days than learning from this man.

This seminar was really about conquering fears head on and coming to understand value and worth as entrepreneurs.  This is an area that might as well be Greek to me because I have never really had to address it.  When you work for someone else, it doesn’t always come into play other than asking for a raise, getting a 2% one because that’s all they give anyway and tough luck to you.  Setting a price for my services has been an interesting experience and watching how it intersects self-worth and whatnot has been enlightening.

What? You want to hear about the nekkid part? LOL  Pretty much everyone who was there understands that when you go to a DN event, you kind of throw yourself out there, naked for others to see.  And when he’s asking questions like “What’s your greatest fear – the one that stops you dead in your tracks?” and everyone has to read theirs to the group (and for everyone on the livestream too!) well, it gets a bit intimidating.

Yours truly did her best to hide in a group, like I always do.  But I really became more conscious of doing it and that helped propel me past the fear.  I did speak at the microphone albeit it for just a few seconds (and yes, I cried, like everyone else!) and shared my desire to remain invisible.   And that’s a topic I am continuing to explore.  In fact, my podcast for this week at PI talks about how I’m willing to let that go (scared but willing!) in order to be more fully who I am doing my woo-type work.

Lots of shifts and changes the past few weeks …. I’m trying to process all of it and keep moving. (It’s the latter part that is often difficult for me, I’m coming to learn.) And here’s the newest piece for me – thirty years of working to a deadline and/or being held accountable sets up a pattern that can make it difficult to keep your own self accountable (she said, pretending it’s not a lot harder than it feels).

So yeah, lots going on. Not much I can put into words now.  This is the best I can do.

Shifts and changes, shifts and changes, shifts and changes.  I feel like that’s my life right now.  And that’s okay (I suppose).

General Blatherings

Sad and helpless

January 5, 2012 Written by Lisa

That describes yours truly upon reading my friend’s CaringBridge page.

Her recent CATscan came back to show that her recurrent breast cancer continues to spread like wildfire and is now in her liver.

The doctors give her maybe a year to live.

I’m sad for about a hundred reasons but I’ll only list three:

a) It didn’t have to go this way – her docs mis-diagnosed her from the get-go and had they caught it in time, she would have had a fighting chance.

b) She’s brutally honest in her posts about her condition and how she’s feeling (angry, hurt, etc) and I find I have nothing to say other than that I love her, am keeping her and her husband in my prayers and …. that’s it. What CAN you say? There are no words. Just none.

c) she’s my age and it again reminds me of my mortality

I can sit here on the couch and say that I have no fear of dying precisely because I am not in a place now where I am forced to confront that issue. Who knows what I’d feel if I were?

For right now, I feel transported back to October 2005 when I went to my cousin’s to celebrate my birthday with Lauren and the family. It was after Lauren’s cancer had come back and we all knew the diagnosis was grim. I sat on the couch, hugging her and crying all over her. Cousin O’Love came over, sat down and hugged us too and there we sat, all three of us hugging, knowing that our time together would be short.

I know, to the core of my being, that there is more to all of this than what we see. I’ve experienced it.

But that doesn’t mean that I don’t feel the deep, deep wells of sadness that news like this brings.

Each soul chooses its path. My friend’s soul has chosen hers. All I can do is be there and hug her. And remind her of the fun times we used to share when we worked together at a local department store – all the foibles we shared.

Sigh. There are no words.

Lauren
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